But what if it was love?
The thought strikes my heart and causes a lump to grow in my throat. I try to stand, but a wave of lightheadedness and nausea make me slowly lower myself to the floor in a crouched stance. I balance myself on the balls of my feet for a moment. Once I think I can stand, I slowly rise, but the nausea hits again and I sprint to the bathroom.
I dry-heave into the toilet and it fucking hurts.
I turn and sit on the tiled floor with my back against the cabinet. My face feels hot and I close my eyes. I'm so tired and feel so sick. It's almost as if I'm pregnant.
My eyes pop open at the thought, and my heart refuses to beat in my chest. Pregnant. Fuck! I frantically try to remember the day. It's the end of the month. Fuck! Fuck!
I don't remember the last time I got my shot. I get one every three months. I've lost track of time, but I know I get them at the beginning of the month. I went a full month without birth control. How could I be so fucking stupid?
Fuck, no fucking way. I put my hand to my forehead as if I'd be able to tell I had a pregnancy temperature. Fuck! We've only been fooling around for a few weeks.
It only takes once.
Panic sets in and I storm through my apartment, picking up boxes until I get to a small one marked bathroom supplies. It was still half packed up until today, when I tossed the rest of the contents back in. I dig through it and find an old pregnancy test. The kind with a + sign for positive. It's not in a box so I look on the thick foil surrounding it for an expiration date, but I don't see one anywhere.
My skin heats and anxiety runs through me. I can't be pregnant. I can't.
I rip it open and leave the foil on the floor as I dart to the bathroom.
I’ve never been shy or anxious about peeing before, but it takes way too long for me to get a stream going, probably because I'm so nervous. Finally, my bodily functions obey and I put the stick under the stream for what seems like a long enough time and then slip the cap back on. I wipe it off with some toilet paper and set it down on the sink to wait, but I don’t have to.
As the liquid runs through the window, I can already see it. Positive.
A faint + sign shows up almost immediately.
I stare at it without breathing.
I can’t believe it. I’m pregnant.
Nausea and lightheadedness hit me at once, as if my body wants to confirm what the test is saying. I fall off the toilet and turn to hug the bowl as the sickness comes up. My skin flushes with heat, followed by chills as I wipe my mouth and try to sit up.
I’m pregnant.
I never planned for this. I never even considered children or a life where I settled down. I just didn’t think it was for me. That kind of life was for my sister.
My hand hesitantly touches my belly, and tears well in my eyes. She would have loved to have a baby. But not with a man like Tommy.
I stand at the sink and turn on the water to gargle it and try to feel better.
I can’t be far along. The thought enters my mind quickly, that I could leave and he’d never know. He’d most likely never find out. Even if he did, he’s not the type of man who’d want a child. Right? If he found me, if he ever thought to look for me and found me with his child, I don't know what he'd do.
The thought makes my chest hurt even more. I'm bringing a child into this world and I don't even know if the man I think I love would want either of us.
I've felt strong my entire life. But right now, all I feel is weak.
I slowly stand and try to calm my breathing.
I can't just leave. I have to tell him.
If he doesn't want this baby, I'll leave and never come back. But if he does...I pause my steps and lean against the wall. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I can't stay. I doubt he'd ever leave his familia. As if they'd give him a choice. I close my eyes and shake my head as I walk to the bed, gripping the locket in my hand. I lie back and try to think of what my sister would do. I know what she'd do. She'd tell him she was pregnant. And she'd move on with her life, loving her child. She may have never seen herself as strong. But she was. She was so fucking strong for always doing the right thing and sticking to what she believed in.
“I need you.” My fingers slowly scroll over the locket's tiny engravings. “I need you right now.” I whisper my words in a pained voice as tears slowly roll down my cheeks.
Do the right thing. That's what she'd tell me. She'd smile. She'd make sure this baby was born into a life surrounded by nothing but love.
And I will, too. I won't settle for anything else. I wipe the tears away and get my shit together. I breathe in with a long inhalation, and breathe out just as long.
Holy fuck, I'm really pregnant. An hour ago I felt like I had nothing, and no one. And now, everything has changed.
Tonya
The walk up to Tommy's apartment is difficult. Every step toward him brings me closer to knowing whether or not he'll want me and this baby. My hand settles on my tummy as I get to the first landing and continue walking up the stairs. The outcome is most likely going to kill a piece of my soul. He can't be with me, and a man like him doesn't want to settle down with a baby. But it's the right thing to tell him. So I have to do this.