But it wasn’t enough, not now that I had the baby to protect.
“It sounds like an afternoon made-for-TV movie, but…” He leaned closer, brushing my hand as he stole another French fry. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”
“I wish it was.”
“Why?”
“Then it would make sense.”
I pushed the basket towards him. Grease didn’t sit well with uncertainty.
“How does a couple give each other thirty years of their life…and then walk away from it all?” I asked. “How do they burn everything good that came from their marriage and expect the rest of us to accept that it’s over?”
Nate raised his eyebrows. “Takes courage.”
“Courage?”
“Your parents were unhappy together. They split, even after thirty years of stability. They gave up their home and security to find something or someone who would make them happy.” He shook his head. “Christ, I wish my mom would do that.”
“But your parents are great,” I said. “They seem perfect together.”
His voice darkened. “Yeah. And my dad will do anything to keep it that way. Believe me. It’s not healthy to stay in a toxic relationship for any reason.”
I leaned against the bar. It might have been better to hide under it. At least it’d protect me if the world kept tumbling down.
“God, it’s so bleak,” I said. “How can any love actually last? Marriages get broken, people drift apart, and even the most stable and loving of relationships can just—poof! Be over. There’s nothing keeping people together.”
Nothing.
Not vows. Not love.
Not even children.
The fairy tales got it wrong. Snow White probably left the prince for someone less Grumpy and Sleepy. I bet Ariel discovered an entirely different sexual orientation when she looked closer at those new legs in a mirror. And Cinderella? When her kingdom didn’t implement labor laws for minimum wage workers, I doubted she just walked away in those glass slippers. Her happily-ever-after included a social and industrial revolution. Then she probably died surrounded by rats as a princeless oligarchy descended into anarchy.
It wasn’t a story I’d read to my baby.
What hope did anyone have if the stories only showed the puppy-dog eyes and first kisses? No one talked about mortgages and sickness and jobs and…accidental babies.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Nate sipped his beer. “Or am I supposed to guess?”
“Please don’t try to guess.”
“Then tell me.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” I didn’t understand. “I want that romance. I’ve always imagined passion and excitement and sharing the world with someone. I wanted commitment and love.”
“So find it.”
“With who?”
I didn’t mean to say that. I averted my eyes before humiliating myself any more than a single, unwed mother with a crush on her baby-daddy could.
“Is there even such a thing as love?” I asked.
“Christ. Come with me.”
Nate grabbed my arm. I stumbled as he led me to his office. The door slammed behind him, and he pointed to his desk. “Sit down. Stop being so fucking crazy.”
That did not help the hormones. Rage-sniffles were neither endearing nor intimidating.
“That’s what you’re going to say to me?” I crossed my arms. “Stop acting crazy?”
“I’m not Rick. You want to discuss the depth of human emotions, talk with the man who has dissected the most hearts.”
“He’s a cardiologist, not a—”
“You want my honest opinion? You know what you really need?”
This would be good. “What?”
“To get fucked.”
Exactly what I expected.
“Is that your solution to everything?” I slapped his hand away. “If I sprain an ankle, are you going to rub your dick on it?”
“If it helped!”
“Getting fucked isn’t going to help me.”
His eyes hardened, completely serious, completely invasive. He saw through my freak-out and hit the core of everything that frightened me.
“Stop worrying about other people. Stop judging their happiness based on what you think is a perfect world. It doesn’t exist.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I lived through it. My parents put appearances before reality every damn time. My mom never spoke out of turn to my father. And when I was a kid, neither did I. My dad was a very spare the rod kinda guy, if you get me.” Nate frowned. “I couldn’t play football with Bryce or Rick because we had practices when I was supposed to be at youth group. Mom wasn’t allowed to work because a woman’s role was in the household. Dad insisted we looked Christian, said the right things, acted the correct way, and never, ever disobeyed him.”
“I didn’t know.”
“No one does. They see perfection. But you know what that life is?” He bumped my chin up to meet his stare. “Boring. Filled with unhappiness. Lacking the only thing that matters in life.”
“Family?”
“Pleasure.”
“We are so wrong for each other.”
Oh sweet baby Jesus, I said that out loud.
I covered my face. This was mortifying. That comment stripped away the remnants of my dignity, the remaining bits not bookmarked between the pages of What To Expect When You’re Expecting.
My voice weakened. “I didn’t mean…I’m not saying we’re…we have different philosophies.”
Nate smirked. “We have one thing in common.”
“What’s that?”
“We both want you to be happy.”
I stilled as his words melted like chocolate. The warmth pulsed over me, coating me in a sticky, sweet, and scary moment of surrender.
“So let me make you happy now,” he whispered. “Let me take some of the stress away.”
“It won’t solve everything.”
“It won’t solve anything. It’s not selfish to want a little pleasure, baby.”
“Where would it lead?”
“Where do you want it to lead?” He eyed the desk. “It’s not a bed, but it’ll do.”
Not. What. I. Meant.
But he had no idea what I was afraid of. This wouldn’t be another mistake in his arms. I had to tell him about the baby before we moved too fast.
“Nate, I’m—”
His lips brushed mine, stealing my words, my breath, and my mind. His kiss nibbled quick and fierce. Just the touch of him against me shattered my thoughts. The uncertainty and confusion that volleyed for space in my tummy next to the baby suddenly vanished.
All that remained was the kiss.
I hadn’t kissed anyone since that night with Nate.
I never wanted to kiss anyone else again.
His lips trailed over my neck. I accidentally exposed that delicious hollow of my throat. I never thought a touch could feel as amazing as being filled by him. Every press of his mouth kneaded shivers through my body.
I mewed.
He liked that.
“What do you think?” His hands settled at my waist.
What a day to wear a skirt. It was either foresight or wishful thinking. His fingers tickled over my thigh. I bit my lip.
“Let me take your mind off everything,” he whispered.
I didn’t trust what I’d think about without the wedding and my family to distract me.
Probably how nice it felt to be touched. How my breathing trembled with every trace of his lips against my skin. That everything inside me wound into a bigger knot than the last crisis he’d untangled with a touch, taste, and night of sweet regret.
“This is a bad idea,” I murmured.
His eyes darkened. “This is the best idea we’ve had in a month.”
“You kept count?”
“Five weeks, three days since I was with you.” He palmed my thigh. The warmth spread right to my core. “You don’t remember?”
Oh, I counted the days, but for a much different reason. “You really want me?”
“What do you think?”
His hand tangled in my hair, and his kiss pressed me into the desk without a single protest. Nate grunted at the nest of receipts and papers crowding around me. He whipped the paperwork away with a swipe of his arm.
My fingers tangled with his—dark and light, soft and rough. I folded my hand in his as his breath tickled over my legs. I hadn’t opened them yet. I had no idea what would happen when I did.
Nate waited patiently at the edge of the desk, staring at me for a permission that would ruin everything.
Or would it?
A baby came with its own set of natural consequences, and what we had couldn’t get any more complicated. Was it really bad if his words, stare, and touch dizzied me in such a perfect way?
Nate was patient. He teased my legs, drawing circles up my calves and tickling behind my knee.
“I don’t know if I can do this…” I whispered.
“Do what?” He chuckled, and my legs fell open. Did I really wear the white panties with the polka-dot hearts? “Tell you what, baby. This is a freebie.”
“A freebie?”
“No strings. No expectations. Let me help you out…and I won’t expect anything else.”
“You…don’t want to have sex?”
“Of course I want to have sex. But this service is its own reward.” He arched an eyebrow. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”