Elroy sent her his warmest smile. "Thank you for inviting me to your lovely home. It's just as I'd imagined it would be." This was true. He had imagined the worst. The best way to handle the sweet ones was by being even sweeter. And no one could be sweeter than Elroy when he wanted to be.
Patty led them into a family room off the kitchen with brown shag carpet and beer barrel tables next to brown and orange colonial furniture. She introduced Elroy to two small children watching a vacuous TV show that had loud piercing characters. The most expensive piece in the ugly room was the humungous TV, no doubt a place where Oscar and son Jeremy sat and watched football games all weekend, drinking beer and eating processed meat sandwiches. The room even smelled of stale beer and pretzels. Elroy wanted to put his hands over his ears, but smiled at little six-year-old Cadin and four-year-old Lorna and told Patty they were adorable. The rude little fuckers didn't even look up at him or their Uncle Kyle. They didn't say a word. They continued to watch the TV with glazed eyes and empty heads.
While Patty went back to the kitchen to prepare a dinner that smelled like crotch rot, Kyle and Elroy sat at opposite ends of the sofa in the family room. Elroy glanced at the fake Christmas tree and made a face. It was one of those newer fake trees that could be assembled in three parts, and pre-lit. It had been shoved into a corner next to a brown brick fireplace with a fake log and it rotated in constant circles. The ornaments were all plastic and it looked as if they'd been thrown on the tree instead of hung with care. Elroy sighed and took a quick breath. He never thought he'd see the day when he found a room where the fake wood paneling was the best feature.
Kyle pulled a book out of his backpack and started to read. Elroy pulled his phone out of his pocket and tried to find a signal. But they were too far out in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere to get onto the Internet. He couldn't do social media, he couldn't check his e-mail, and he couldn't even look at porn. He wound up reading a copy of People that had been left on the dark pine coffee table next to three half empty glasses of orange soda and a crushed beer can. The cover had been torn and he couldn't find a date of publication. When he opened the magazine and started to read about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's sordid affairs, he had to wonder how long that magazine had actually been there. He'd met Ben Affleck at a charity event in Boston last year and he was married now to a wonderful woman. He was just as adorable and now a successful, well-respected film director. And that annoying, self-promoting Jennifer Lopez was doing some kind of a reality show he couldn't name. It made him smile to read the old article long after they'd broken up.
From what Elroy could gather from the limited information he had, Kyle's stepdad and stepbrother were at work. Elroy wondered about all that talking that Kyle liked to do, because now that Kyle was in batshit, backwoods Vermont with his family, he barely said two words aloud. Now that Elroy would have liked him to talk more, he locked his lips together and buried his face in a book. At one point, Elroy wondered if he'd forgotten how to talk. Evidently, the stepdad and son of Huberly and Sons Construction were both out finishing up a kitchen remodel in the next town. Elroy had overheard that when Kyle's mom answered the telephone.
The sister-in-law, the mother of the two hideous little children who never stopped watching TV, came home from work a few minutes after Elroy and Kyle had arrived. Although no one made it clear to Elroy, he eventually managed to figure out she worked at a local tavern called Buddy's Joint. At first, Elroy's face lit up. From where he sat on the sofa he happened to be looking at the back door and could see anyone enter. He only caught a glimpse of her and she was out of sight again. But so far she was the only one who looked like she knew how to have a little fun. She had big bleached blond hair, long campy red fingernails with sparkles, and she wore a short black cocktail waitress uniform that showed cleavage cinched to her chin. Her figure was trim and she wore high heels taller than most of the drag queens Elroy had seen in Provincetown during Halloween weekend. For a moment, he actually grew excited. But the minute she opened her mouth to speak, Elroy lost all hope with her as well. Kyle's mom asked, "How was your day?" and the sister-in-law said, "I swear if those fucking fags at Buddy's don't give me a raise soon I'm quitting."
She said this after she'd walked through the door, before she knew Elroy and Kyle had arrived. Elroy figured she hadn't seen his car because he'd parked beside the big old pick-up truck. She was in the kitchen with Elroy's mom and hadn't even taken her coat off yet. Elroy sent Kyle a glance and Kyle stared down at his book with a red face.
After a moment of silence, the sister-in-law bounced into the family room with a huge fake smile and said, "I didn't know you boys were here. Well, isn't this nice?"
Elroy stood up to shake her hand. After the fag remark it was too late to be sincere so he faked a smile. His first-impression theory kicked in; he'd never been wrong.
Kyle closed his book slowly and stood up next.
"I'm Babe," she said, extending her hand to Elroy. "You must be Kyle's little friend from school." She looked him up and down, taking an extra second to stare at his crotch.
Elroy's eyebrows went up at once. She wasn't that much older than he was. The only thing that made him cringe more than being called a "boy" was being called little. He waited to see if she would stop chewing her bubble gum. When she didn't, he smiled and said, "Yes, I'm good old Kyle's little friend, Elroy."
"It's nice to meet you, hon," she said. She turned to Kyle and looked him up and down. Then she hugged him and said, "Sweetie, I think you've lost weight." She didn't compliment his new clothes, his new haircut, or his contact lenses. She didn't question what had happened to awkward young man who'd gone to Harvard with mismatched socks and a dented footlocker and returned as a handsome young man who could rival most male models. She went right for something negative on purpose, sticking the invisible knife in and twisting it around with a smile, not allowing Kyle to break out of the mold in which she'd always envisioned him. Oh, Elroy knew her kind all too well. He'd run into them before, both male and female.
Kyle shrugged and glanced down at the brown shag carpet with a defeated expression. All at once it looked as if he were wearing thick glasses and mismatched socks again. With one comment, she swept him back into all the torment in frustration of his teenaged years. Elroy wasn't sure whether to hug him or kick him in the ass for taking it.
Elroy smiled and squared his shoulders. He wasn't going to let her get off this easily. "And all he ever does is eat, Babe. I've never seen a guy eat so much, Babe. Why just last night he polished off two entire pizzas on his own, Babe." Elroy had never actually met anyone named Babe and it made him smile to say her name. Kyle didn't eat much. He was the pickiest eater Elroy had ever met. If they went to a restaurant, he picked and shoved his food around and they always wound up taking it home and Elroy would finish it later. What Kyle did eat was mostly junk food. Mention chocolate and his eyes glazed over. Ice cream seemed to give him an erection. But Elroy saw no point in missing an opportunity to play a few games with Babe.
Kyle's head went up. He appeared confused.
Babe glanced sideways as if she didn't believe Elroy. "Well, I'm just glad Kyle has met a friend like himself." She tossed her head back and laughed. She'd emphasized the word "friend" instead of saying boyfriend or lover or partner. And she did it in a way that suggested she was superior to them because she was straight and they were gay. "Kyle has this tendency to scare people away without even knowing it. I've always had the feeling he'd wind up a bachelor. He's never been a people person." Then she threw her head back and laughed even louder.
It was interesting to watch all this head tossing, yet her hair never moved. Later, he would find tall cans of Aqua Net hairspray-ultimate hold-under the bathroom sink. There was nothing Elroy loved more than dealing with a bitch who thought she knew it all and didn't know anything. He put his hand squarely on the small of Kyle's back and this time he laughed. "Oh, you'd be amazed at how talented shy little Kyle can be." Then he slapped Kyle on the ass right in front of her.
Kyle lurched forward.
The two goofy kids actually turned around that time to see what had happened.
Babe gaped for a moment and said, "Isn't that nice, hon? I'll go change for dinner." Either she knew she'd met her match with Elroy, or she didn't know how to reply. Either way, she couldn't seem to get out of the room fast enough.
When she was gone, Kyle spoke in a stage whisper so the kids wouldn't hear him. "What are you doing? Who knows what she thinks now? I don't want them to think we're lovers. We aren't lovers."
"But you love me," Elroy said. "You've told me that many times. And you know I love you."
"That's different," Kyle said. "You know what I mean."
Elroy sat down on the sofa and glanced at one of the kids. He couldn't remember their names-Colin and Becky, or something like that-and didn't care enough to ask. One of them was picking her nose, and the other scratched his ass. Elroy smiled at Kyle and shrugged. "She's a dumb bitch and she's homophobic. Who cares what she thinks? And if she calls me a boy one more time I'm going to stick a pencil in that bee's nest hairstyle when she's not looking."