He'd actually wanted to come with her this morning.
"I'm going to a goddamn army physical, Zach. To see if I'm fit to return to duty. What do you think it would say if I turned up with you holding my goddamn hand?"
Maybe the trip had been a mistake. Maybe they should have come separately because they were getting testy with each other.
She felt irritable. On edge. Scared. Miserable.
Staring out the window at the green landscape filtered through a mist of constant rain, she had a longing to be back in the arid sunshine of Spain. Well, maybe once she reenlisted she would be back in the heat. Just not Spain.
And she'd never see Zach again.
Pain twisted in her gut. All this talk about visiting L.A. was nothing but talk. She knew in her heart it would never happen. She was a novelty, that was all, and once he was back in his own world and she was in hers, he would forget her. Oh, they'd no doubt be "friends" and he'd maybe even send her a Christmas card and include a photo of Skip. Would he buy Skip a diamond collar so he'd fit in with the pampered pooches in L.A.?
God, she was a miserable bitch.
As of today, she had everything she'd been terrified would be taken from her. She could reenlist, go back to doing something useful with her life.
And even if she stayed, chances were, Zach would move on. He'd not promised her anything. And sooner or later, he'd see through her. See her as she really was. And that would be even worse. She'd be left with nothing.
Stop thinking about it.
But she'd shut out her worries of the future for too long. She'd only managed it because she'd spent every moment with Zach and he had a way of filling her mind and body that pushed everything else away. Now they poured in on her.
She needed him to hold her, make love to her so she could forget for a little while longer. But when she arrived back at the hotel, it was to find two men standing on either side of his hotel door. So far, the security had been pretty much invisible. She vaguely recognized them as Jake's people, but she didn't know their names. They let her through once she'd shown her ID.
"How did it go?" Zach asked as she came through the door.
"Well. I have to wait for the official all-clear, but it went well."
He nodded, but she couldn't tell whether he was happy or sad at the news. He pulled on his jacket. "I was waiting for you to come back. I have to go to a meeting with Jake."
"They've found something?"
"Maybe."
She didn't want to be alone right now. "I could come."
But he shook his head. "I don't think so, sweetheart. He's sent a couple of guys to babysit me. Why don't you relax for the afternoon, and we'll spend the evening together."
Her eyes narrowed. "Like a good girl," she muttered. He hadn't actually said the words but she could almost hear them.
But before she could say anything else, he gave her a swift kiss on the lips and headed for the door. "I missed you."
She plunked herself down on the sofa and stared at the closed door. The idea of spending the afternoon cooped up in a hotel room-however luxurious-was really not an option.
She jumped up and paced the room a couple of times, pulled her ponytail free and ran her hands through her hair, pressing her scalp as though she could somehow force out the answers. She'd never been one to avoid uncomfortable truths. Now she needed to face her fears head-on and find a way through.
Why couldn't she just be happy she was getting her life back?
Actually, that was an easy one.
Because getting her old life back meant losing her new one. Losing Zach. And at the thought, her heart tripped a beat then slowed to a dull thud she could actually hear.
Oh God. She loved him. Really loved him.
So much for "just" sex.
Had she ever really believed that she could give herself to a man so completely and keep her heart free?
Yes.
He had crept up on her, until he was twined around her heart.
Like fucking barbed wire. And it hurt.
All she knew of love was pain and loss. Why would this be any different?
An image of Sam flashed in her mind. Sam giggling, smiling, always happy. Then afterward, her mother's accusing stare. Her father's expression, blank as though he saw right through her. As if she wasn't even there.
But for a moment, instead of pain, she felt a surge of all-consuming anger.
She'd been a child. They should have kept her safe, loved her unconditionally. Accepted her faults. That's what they'd promised to do. She had an urge to stand before her father. Yell at him that she was sorry about Sam, but she was still alive. Maybe if she'd done that back then, she might have broken through to him. But she'd been too scared and too guilty.
She was going crazy in here alone.
Without giving herself time to think, she picked up the phone and punched in Jess's number. "Are you home?"
"No, I'm in a meeting with Jake and your boyfriend."
A shaft of jealousy shot through her. Zach hadn't wanted her there, but Jess was obviously needed. "Damn. Okay. I'll see you whenever."
"If it's important, I can come over."
"No. I'm just going stir-crazy. I'll go out, do some tourist stuff. Or see a movie."
In the end, she wandered the streets of London, taking little in but not thinking, either. As it got dark, she went back to the hotel, found Zach, waiting impatiently for her.
They spent the night making love with an edge of desperation that only scared her more.
Chapter Seventeen
The following morning, Zach disappeared again. He had meetings, but Dani couldn't shake the feeling he was deliberately distancing himself. The hotel room felt like a cage and she headed out and wandered the streets, watched a movie in the afternoon.
After tonight, they would have to make a decision. Or she would. But she couldn't focus on the idea of reenlisting. All she could think of was Zach and how different he'd been over the last couple of days. Was he trying to make things easy for her? So she could walk away with no regrets?
Or did he just believe the affair was over and this was how he always behaved?
It was early evening by the time she returned to the hotel, and she was sure Zach would be already gone. But the same two guys were standing outside the room. One of them waved her through without checking her ID this time. "Can you tell him that we needed to leave ten minutes ago?" he said as she passed.
She grinned, suddenly happy. "Will do."
When she opened the door, he was pulling on his jacket and she had a feeling of déjà vu. "We've got to stop meeting like this," she said, then just stared at him. He'd always had a casual sort of elegance, with his designer stubble and overlong tousled hair. Now he looked perfect. His hair had been cut so it lay smoothly against his head; he was freshly shaven and wore dark pants, a white shirt, and a dark red tie. Just staring at him made her heart ache. How could she resign herself to never seeing him again?
"Yeah. Where've you been?" He stopped putting on his jacket, tossed it on the chair instead, and came toward her, his gaze searching her face. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too, but I thought you were busy."
He halted only inches away, the expression in his eyes turning her insides molten, her breasts heavy, her nipples peaking, her sex hot, wet
She swallowed. "They told me to tell you that you should have left ten minutes ago."
"Tough luck. Because right now I need to kiss you."
"You do?"
He'd dawdled as long as he could, hoping Dani would arrive back before he had to leave. The last couple of days had been hard; she'd seemed so distant. He knew it was mostly his fault, but he'd had to keep her out of this. Just a few more hours.
He'd spent the day with Jake and Jess going over and over what would happen that night. And while he wasn't really worried anything would go wrong, he needed to see Dani one more time.
Now she was here. So close.
He tried to work out what she was feeling, but she was giving nothing away and all he could think of now was tasting her, holding her.
He lowered his mouth to hers, captured her lips. She opened to him and he pushed his tongue inside. She kissed him as though she'd missed him as well, her tongue stroking his, her hands gripping his shoulders so her nails dug in through the thin silk of his shirt.
Breaking the kiss, he slid his hands to her hips, then around to cup her ass and pick her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and he carried her into the bedroom, then turned around, kicked the door closed. He made a detour to the table by the bed, grabbed a condom and then backed her up against the smooth wall. Her sex pressed against his erection, and he needed her naked against him. He needed to be inside her.
He held her against the wall with his body while his hands shifted between them and tugged her shirt out of her pants. He ripped it down the front, buttons flying across the room, and lowered his head to nuzzle her breasts through the white cotton. His teeth nipped at her nipples while his fingers worked the fastener at her waist. He lowered the zipper and shoved her pants and panties down over her hips. She wriggled free of them, her breathing suddenly labored and the air scented with her arousal. He slipped his hand between her thighs, found her slick and hot and ready for him. As he pushed a finger inside, a whimper escaped her throat and his shaft pulsed with need.
He unfastened his own pants, pulled his aching cock free. "Put this on," he muttered, handing her the condom, then sucking in his breath as she rolled it down over his aching cock.