Without warning, she was back in that night. Her mother yelling … "You don't love me. You wouldn't care if I was dead." The door slamming. The police … She shoved the memory back into its corner.
Her father had never married again. Kim found it amazing he'd married at all. He was a loner, immersed in his work, something secretive for the British government. He'd found Kim an encumbrance and an irritation. She'd spent most of her time at boarding school, even the holidays, with the exception of a week each year they vacationed together. It had never been a happy time.
He didn't dislike her, she was sure, but he did resent her. And she'd never been able to feel comfortable with him. The questions hovering over her mother's death, the questions she hadn't dared ask, had ensured that. And when she'd left school, he hadn't known what to do with her. She had a place at Oxford but didn't want to go. She was fed up with education, needed to do something, work out what she wanted from life. And then she'd met Michael.
Another bad memory.
She sipped her champagne, careful not to drink too much. She was sure Jake would stick to his word to not make love to her unless she asked. But to be on the safe side, she didn't want to lower her inhibitions. She suspected it wouldn't take much alcohol to drop her barriers sufficiently to beg him to finish that massage. Considerably less than it would take for Jake to decide his scruples wouldn't allow him to do it.
Why couldn't life be simple? She wouldn't have these issues with Steve. But only because she didn't care one way or the other about him. Caring was dangerous.
She whispered to Jake and then headed across to the ladies' room. Her lipstick was gone-this makeup thing was a full-time job. Coming out, she walked straight into Nadia.
"He doesn't love you," Nadia said.
Kim was aware that Jake was only acting, and she didn't want him to love her, really she didn't. All the same, Nadia's words twisted a knife in her guts. She gritted her teeth against the pain. "Yes, he does."
Nadia continued as if Kim hadn't spoken. "He just feels sorry for you."
God, the woman was a bitch. "No, he doesn't."
"But it won't last, and he'll come back to me."
"No, he won't."
Nadia stepped closer. Kim hoped she wasn't going to get physical. Or maybe she hoped she would. She searched the room for Jake, couldn't see him anywhere, but his brother caught her eye and came over.
"Nadia, you want to dance?"
"No-"
Damon ignored her resistance, put his arm around her waist, and led her away. Nadia, thankfully, wasn't so far gone that she'd descend into an unruly scrabble.
Kim sighed and leaned back against the pillar. She nabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and did a little people-watching. Finally, she located Jake talking with his father. As though he felt her eyes on him, he raised his head and stared at her.
A slow smile curled his lips and started an ache in her chest. She wanted him. But indulging in a sexual relationship would change everything. It would lead to caring. And he'd want to control her because he cared. And she might let him.
How could they ever go back to the way things had been?
He said something to his father and put down his glass. His attention never left her as he strolled across the floor and held out his hand. "Dance with me?"
She shut down her internal arguments; she'd worry about them tomorrow. Asking him to make love to her was out of the question, but she'd enjoy what she could have. She stepped into his arms, wrapped hers around his waist, and laid her head on his chest. It felt like coming home.
And she'd worry about that tomorrow as well.
Chapter Thirteen
"Have you heard a word I've said for the last half hour?" Jess asked.
Kim shook her head, trying to get her brain in gear. "Sorry, what did you say?"
"I asked what you think looks good." Jess had met her for brunch the morning after the party. "Why do I get the impression your mind isn't on food?"
Probably because it wasn't. Her mind was on something else entirely.
"I can't stop thinking about sex with Jake," she said.
Beside her, Jess dropped her menu and cast Kim a disbelieving sideways glance. "On his desk?"
"Not necessarily." Anywhere and everywhere, actually.
"I thought you'd decided it was never going to happen … again?"
"I did. I guess I must be sexually frustrated."
"So why not just do it?"
Wasn't it obvious? "Because I don't want to have sex with Jake. Well, I do, but it's not that simple." She took a deep breath. Time to put her fears into words. "I think Jake might want more than sex."
"As in … ?"
Trust Jess to want the details. But Kim didn't have any to give. Except the marriage proposal thing, but that hadn't been serious. "I don't know. Just a feeling."
"Well, don't sound so tragic. It doesn't have to be a disaster."
Kim scowled. "How do you work that out? This is Jake. And more to the point, this is me. It's a catastrophe of gargantuan proportions waiting to happen."
"Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you can both fall in love and have babies and live happily ever after."
Kim bared her teeth. She really wished Jess hadn't mentioned babies. It was still too early to do a test, but the worry nagged at her mind. "I don't want to fall in love."
She could see no good end to this.
They hadn't left the party last night until the early hours of the morning. Kim had been exhausted after not sleeping well for the last week, and that, combined with all the night shifts she'd worked, had knocked her out. In the end, not asking Jake for sex hadn't been an issue. When they'd gotten home, he'd kissed her almost chastely on the forehead and told her to go to sleep. He'd been gone by the time she'd awakened.
"Why don't you want to fall in love?" Jess asked.
"Because he'll want to dominate me, tell me what to do. I swore I would never let that happen again."
"Jake isn't your ex-husband."
"No, in some ways he's worse." Michael had had power over her because she'd been young and scared and naive and still suffering from her mother's death. Once she grew up, battled her personal demons, she'd have left him with no regrets. Jake had just hurried the process along by helping her. Given her a job, a future, and a chance for independence. But unlike Michael, Jake could have real power over her because she cared about him.
"How?" Jess asked.
"When I was with Michael, it was as though what I wanted didn't matter because I didn't matter. And that I deserved whatever he did to me because he was right and I was nothing. I felt so helpless and so angry. If I'd had confidence in myself, I would have left him the first time he-"
Jess rested a hand on her arm. "You're not nothing! You were a kid, and your bastard ex took advantage of that."
"I know Jake's not like Michael. But he likes his own way, too. What if I give in and get to the point where I can't say no anymore, and I turn into a doormat and-"
"You're not the same person you were back then. You're certainly no doormat-you're a strong, independent woman."
Kim gave her a weak smile. "And you're my friend. You have to say that."
"I wouldn't be your friend if you were a doormat. I hate doormats!"
She wanted to explain how she'd felt during that time, make Jess understand, but she couldn't without mentioning her mother. And she'd never talked about her mother with anyone, as though speaking her fears out loud would make them true. But maybe there was one way she could explain. She took a deep breath. "I thought about killing myself when I was with Michael."
"What?"
"I felt like I had no way out and no way to fight back. One night I stole his precious car and I kept thinking about how pissed he would be if I crashed it or drove it into the Thames. And how it would solve all my problems. And-"
"Aw, honey, come here." Jess pulled her into a hug across the table. For a minute, she held her tight, then leaned back and stared into her face. "The important thing is you didn't."
"No. In the end I wanted to live. But I came so close. And now I can't help wondering if things go wrong, I'll end up feeling that way again-so dark, like I can't find my way out. Maybe it's part of me. Some sort of weakness."
"You're not weak."
"I won't risk it. I'll never put my life in anyone else's hands again."
Jess patted her arm. "So no wedding bells for you and Jake. But what do you want?"
"For Jake and me to be friends again."
"Why don't you tell him that?"
The memory of his lips on hers flashed in her mind. How could she go through the rest of her life and never feel that again? "Because I can't stop thinking about sex with him."
Jessica grinned. "You could move away from the temptation and find another job," she said. "I've got contacts. I could get you in somewhere."
"I might take you up on that. But I'll worry about a job once the Nadia situation is sorted. In the meantime, I just want to go back to the way things were with Jake."
"Well, here's my view on the subject," Jess said. "Sex never lasts. It's exciting for a while, and then it burns out. So all you have to do is advance the process and burn it out quicker."
"How do I do that?"
"When I was a teenager, I used to drink cider with my friends. One weekend, I drank so much of the stuff that I couldn't face any more. Ugh! Just the sight of a bottle of cider is still enough to make me want to throw up."