Silas listened as she went on to explain the intricacies of her volunteer work, feeling amazed all the while. She was doing something wonderfully altruistic with her life just like he'd always known she would. Regardless of how they'd ended, it was impossible for him not to be impressed.
"So … who's the lucky lady?" Joy questioned, gesturing towards the sparkling engagement band on his left hand.
Silas furrowed his brows, confused, but it only took him all of a second to realize what she was referring to. "Uh … her names Lara," he said, breaking eye contact with her. "We got engaged last month."
Joy studied his face as he spoke, feeling a lump of remorse surface in her throat when she realized one of her worst nightmares had finally come to fruition. "That's great," she lied, trying her best to sound sincere. "Really."
Silas forced himself to meet her gaze when he heard her voice crack, but it was the reality that he was standing within inches of the mother of what would have been his only child that really clawed at his psyche. He wanted so badly to embrace her, to tell her that he was sorry for allowing them to fizzle out, but it was the reminder that she wasn't his anymore which kept him guarded.
Joy read Silas's mind. "I'm alright," she assured him. "I'm just … I'm glad you're happy."
Happy.
It wasn't an emotion Silas was all that familiar with these days, but he refrained from telling her so. "Same here," he said, giving her a sad smile.
Joy struggled to keep her cool. "Your fiancée … what does she think about it?" she inquired. "The stillbirth, I mean … "
Silas tensed up at the question. "Oh … uh … " he hesitated as he tried to come up with an appropriate response, but eventually he settled on the truth. "She actually doesn't know about that … "
Joy shook her head in disbelief. Her eyes were heavy and dark, and the look of disappointment that flashed across her face immediately filled Silas with shame. "Of course," she muttered, shaking her head. "Why am I not surprised?"
Joy started for the bathroom to fetch Esther so that they could leave, but Silas grabbed hold of her arm and stopped her before she could get very far. "It's not what you think," he insisted. "I made a lot of changes after that. I had to. I couldn't live with myself for not being there for you … after. I worked really hard to become a better man, and that's the only man Lara knows. I just … I can't stand the thought of her looking down on me for something that happened nearly a decade ago … "
"What ‘happened' was we created a life together," Joy snapped, tearing her arm from his grip. "Accidental or not, there isn't any shame in that."
"I know … but … "
"No, there's no ‘but'," Joy cut in, her voice hot. "Listen, Silas … you can get a fancy job, and put on an expensive suit and watch, but none of that means a thing if you haven't changed on the inside. And you haven't. Until you tell the woman you intend on spending the rest of your life with that you once came pretty close to becoming a father, you'll still just be the same scared little boy you were back then."
Silas flinched. Even after all these years, Joy could read him like a book. As much as it pained him to admit, she was right. He could tell himself that he was a changed man all he wanted, but he wasn't. Not where it mattered most anyway. His life had become one big game of charades. It took seeing her again for him to realize that he was sick of playing.
Chapter 12
"I can't believe this," Lara ranted, tossing the negative pregnancy test in the trash along with all the rest of them. "Eleven months and still nothing. How can this be? Are you sure you're not infertile or something?"
Silas struggled not to laugh at that. "My fish can swim just fine," he said with full confidence, briefly thinking back on Joy and the baby. "We just have to be patient and keep trying. It'll happen eventually."
"How can you be so sure?" Lara retorted. "Have you ever even had your sperm count checked?"
Silas sighed. He still hadn't told her that he'd already created a child once before, and she knew nothing of his relationship with Joy either. They were intimate details he didn't feel ready to share with anyone, let alone someone as high strung as Lara could be. "Look, a man just knows, alright?" he called out to her. "But I'll go see my doctor on Monday if it makes you feel any better. You can even tagalong."
"No thanks," Lara sneered. "I'm really not interested in being in the room when the man I'm about to marry is told he can't give me children."
Silas groaned and muted the TV. "That's real nice of you," he called out, crossing the room in search of her when she didn't respond. He found her studying her reflection in the bathroom mirror, and she took a full minute to turn and address him in the doorway.
"Sorry," she whispered, rubbing her face in frustration. "I just … I don't understand why it comes so easy for some women and not for me. It's so unfair."
Silas began to feel bad for her then, something he seldom ever was, but he felt even worse when she slid down in front of the bathtub and buried her face in her hands to keep from exposing her tears to him.
"Lara, come on," he pleaded, bending down to caress her shoulder. "You have to stop being so hard on yourself. Getting all wound up like this can't be good for your levels."
Lara rolled her eyes and shrugged Silas off, grabbing a wad of tissue from the holder to blow her nose. "I'm fine," she insisted. "I just want to be alone for awhile."
Silas was hesitant to back away from her, but he did, going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of whiskey. This whole situation struck him as one big joke at his expense. It just didn't make any sense to him that he'd managed to get Joy pregnant without even trying, yet now that he was actually ready for it, he couldn't get the job done to save his life.
"Forget everything I just said," Lara called out when she entered the living room a few minutes later. "I just got off the phone with Doctor Jensen. He said he can squeeze you in on Monday at noon."
Silas groaned inwardly. Lara was always doing this. She loved spitting his ideas back to him like they were her own. "Alright," he agreed, reaching for the bottle of whiskey like a lifeline.
"Not so fast," she said, snatching it from his grip before he could pour the last of the warm liquid inside his glass. "He also said it's important that you avoid doing anything that might skew the test results."
Silas rolled his eyes. "Alright … "
Lara glared at him and crossed her arms. "You don't have to sound so put out," she reprimanded. "I swear, sometimes I really wonder if you're as invested in this as I am … "
"Seriously?" Silas scoffed and turned away from the counter to look at her. "Me bending over backwards to fulfill this dream of yours reads as ‘not invested' to you?"
"My dream?" Lara let out a humorless laugh. "That's funny, because I was under the impression that this was our dream. Or were you not the one who suggested we should start trying?"
Silas grumbled a string of curses under his breath. "Forget it," he said, making his way down the hall. "I'm heading to bed. I'll be in the guest room if you need me."
Silas left Lara standing in the living room and made his way into the guest bedroom, where he pulled off his clothing and climbed into bed. He'd been sleeping in there a lot as of late, and honestly, it was beginning to feel more and more like his own room. Not that he was complaining. Not only did it give them space to recover from whatever dumb fight they were having, but it also gave him the chance to gratify himself in other ways.
Silas snaked his hand inside his briefs and palmed his length as he thought back on his encounter with Joy at Blair's office the other day. She looked so beautiful, even more so than when they were together, and his mind immediately drifted to how good she probably looked naked as well. Womanhood had blessed her with curves that hadn't been there in her youth, and with that in mind, he allowed himself to give into the very fantasy that had been plaguing him for years … one that didn't involve the woman he'd left behind in the living room.