Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? How many times had she heard Austin say that? When one of his buddies complained about a woman who was getting too clingy, that was the first thing Austin would say. He and his friends used to gather together and laugh at those women who put out too soon. They called them desperate losers. They weren't even worthy of pity, only ridicule. Now she was one of them.
On television shows and movies other women did this. They hooked up with their trainers and laughed about it at lunch. Why couldn't she? Why couldn't she just accept it for what it was and move on? Axel was always out of her league. She should have known this would happen. She was nothing to him. She was just a way for him to pass a bored afternoon.
A new pang of sadness plunged through her chest. More tears came to her eyes. How was it possible she had more tears to give? How could she find new things to be sad about? Why was this so hard? If only she could go back and stop it. She should have restrained herself. She should have held back. Now she was just another notch on Axel's belt.
She got out of the shower and went to her bedroom where she fell onto her bed. She curled up on her side and stared out the window. The tears were almost done. Every now and again a new one would spring forth and slip down her cheek, but, now, she mostly felt empty.
I wonder who used to live up here? Marie thought as she stared past the white curtains, which were gently flapping against the window. How many other eyes had stared out this window? This used to be the servants' quarters. There would have been young girls sleeping in this room. They would wake early and start the fires and make breakfast for the family. They would work from morning until night for pennies and they would be glad for it.
She wished she could go back in time and be one of those simple girls. She would work in the mansion, get her hands dirty, and break her back with labor. She would go to bed too tired at night to even think about sinning. She would marry a local butcher or a one of the Hawk family employees. Her life would have been harder, but in another way it would have been infinitely easier, simpler at least.
Her eyes were growing heavy. She reached for her phone and set the alarm to three, when she needed to leave to pick up Cate from daycare. Her face felt warm against the soft pillow and her body sunk into the bed. Eventually her eyes closed and she fell into a deep sleep that lasted the entire afternoon.
She woke to the gentle chime of her alarm. The first thing she realized was how thirsty she was. She downed two full glasses of water and then changed out of her robe into jeans and a t-shirt. Her hair was ruined from sleeping in it wet and she pulled it back into a messy bun. She looked at herself in the mirror. The sleep had done her well. The redness of her eyes was gone. Her face looked dewy and well-rested.
She was able to breathe without crying. It was a step in the right direction, at least. She was able to move around without sobs taking over her body. She felt … not better exactly, but different in some way. She realized she was making the same mistakes again. She was letting some man push her around. She was letting someone else dictate her feelings.
She wasn't going to hide in this house. She didn't have anything to be ashamed about. She was a modern, single woman; she could sleep with whomever she wanted. She had just made a bad choice; that was all. Axel was exactly the man she thought he was. She remembered calling him rude at the gym. She had been right about him then. He was brutish and cruel. He was a fighter. His job was to beat other men bloody and then collect the reward.
She stepped out into the street, wincing in the bright sunlight. The grey had burned off and the day had turned bright and cheery. She headed towards the daycare center. The gym was on the way and she didn't go around it. She didn't hide from him. She wasn't going to change her life to avoid him. They had hooked up and that was it.
But why was that it? Why had he just left like that? Had she been bad at it? Had she done something wrong? He had just left her lying there on the massage table like she was trash waiting to be thrown away. She frowned as she walked. Who was he to treat her like that? Marie was a good woman. She worked hard; she tried to be nice and think of others.
She deserved respect. She deserved to be treated better than that. Fuck Axel Connelly and fuck the tears she had cried over him. If this was how he wanted it to be, so be it. But Marie was not quitting the program. She would call and ask for a different trainer. She would tell anyone who asked that Axel wasn't a good trainer and that was why she went with someone else. She clenched her jaw as the gym came into view. She walked past the windows with her head held high. She didn't even bother with a glance inside. It didn't matter to her what was going on in there; she didn't care.
She was going to learn how to kick ass and she was going to do it in Axel's gym and if that made him uncomfortable, good. Let him be uncomfortable. Let him feel the awkwardness. It would be good for him. He could use a good punch to his ego, a reminder that he wasn't the end all be all of her world. She was going to keep living, she was going to keep moving forward and nothing, certainly no man, was going to stop her.
Chapter Sixteen
"Why is this bin filled with dirty towels?" Axel demanded, his voice echoing through the gym.
Several people looked up at him with annoyed expressions on their faces. He had interrupted their routines. He shook his head furiously at the full bin as one of the trainers jogged up to him.
"These are supposed to be emptied every four hours whether they're full or not," Axel said to the trainer.
"It hasn't been four hours since the last time we changed them," the trainer said as he looked at Axel confused. "It's only eleven o'clock. I don't need to change it until twelve. The bin's not even half full."
"Well change it now," Axel spit. "It looks disgusting. I don't want this place to smell like old gym towels. I don't want customers coming in here and seeing piles of disgusting, used towels just sitting around." He slammed his hand onto the wall and stalked off leaving a confused employee in his wake.
He stalked down to the boxing gym and into his small office. He closed and locked the door and slumped down in his chair. He had handled that badly, very badly. He shouldn't have done that. He should not have slept with her and certainly not in the gym. He had handled every part of this badly.
He shouldn't have left her like that. He should have at least helped her dressed and walked her to the door. Instead he left her naked and alone on a massage bed in a strange place. He didn't know why he felt this way. This was far from his first random hook-up. Girls at the bar, girls at the fights, even a girl he met on a plane once, all those times he had his fun and moved on, but not this time.
Should he call her, or text? But what would he say. He wasn't going to date her. He could only offer her empty promises and false hopes. He put his head in his hands. She was different. That was the answer. Something about her was different. She wasn't like Tiffany or the girl on the plane. She was realer somehow. Her feelings were real to him and he hated to think that he had made her sad.
He stood up and walked over to the heavy bag. He ignored everyone else. He didn't put on gloves or tape up his knuckles. He stood in front of it and hit it firmly with his good hand. It swung on the chain and he hit it again and again. He kicked and punched at it as if it were the devil himself. It was his own face and body he was pummeling and he deserved every punch. His hands ached and then the harsh material of the bag scratched his knuckles raw and every punch came with an added sting.
***
He overslept the next day. Axel usually never needed an alarm. His body was a well-trained machine. But that Thursday he slept until almost ten o'clock. His phone was on silent and he missed ten calls from Hayden who was back in town. He ignored the texts and calls and bleary-eyed he rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. His bed had never felt more comfortable.
It took all his strength to pull himself from it. He didn't know why he was feeling so sluggish. Normally he jumped out of bed in the morning. He texted Hayden that he was running late. Running was the last thing he was doing. He shuffled to his coffee maker and made himself a pot of coffee and then drank it slowly standing over his kitchen sink.
He needed to train. He kept reminding himself of that fact over and over again. The fight was coming up. He had a lot of work to do. He would kick himself later for procrastinating like this. But his feet refused to move as his brain commanded. He was slow and sluggish. His coffee finished he walked back to his room and dressed in his gym clothes.