She'd been in bed most of the day, and thankfully, everyone had left her alone. She hadn't wanted to see anyone, and didn't want to deal with reality. Her life with Jordan as she knew it had ended, and the pain of the loss tore through her, just as it had when she'd thought he'd died. Once again, she felt as if she wanted to sleep her life away.
Moments later, the knock sounded again, and she cursed. She didn't want to deal with anyone right now, and wished everyone would just leave her alone.
The third time, she sat up in bed and yelled, "What!"
The panel slowly opened, and she gasped at the sight of her visitor.
Jordan stood in the doorway. He'd obviously had a shower, as his hair looked shiny clean, not shiny from being greasy, and his face was free of scruff. He wore a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt taut across his big chest. A small smile played on his lips.
She supposed she should feel some type of fear at seeing him in her bedroom. After all, he had killed many people the past year.
When she searched for any sort of emotion, none emerged. She'd become numb one again.
They stared at each other a beat, then he spoke. "Can I come in?"
It was then she realized he carried two mugs, which sparked a bit of happiness. She'd wanted coffee a few hours ago, but hadn't wanted to get up.
She nodded and pushed her hair behind her ear, her fingers feeling that the stuff had become a matted mess in her fitful sleep. Moving up against the headboard, she pulled the sheet up over her tank top. It seemed odd to do so, but Jordan had sort of become a stranger to her. He wasn't the man he'd been.
He set down the cups on the bed stand, then pulled the desk chair over. Leaning over, he picked up Grunt, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do. The dog licked his face and grunted with delight.
Jordan sat down and smiled, keeping the dog on his lap, but his gaze firmly set on her. "You're really cute when you first wake up."
She blushed and looked down at her hands. His words sent waves of happiness through her.
"I brought you coffee. I didn't know if you wanted cream or not, so I have one with cream, the other black."
Meeting his gaze again, she smiled. It was a sweet gesture. "With cream, please."
He handed her the cup and she sipped the hot liquid. It burnt her lips and tongue, but tasted wonderful. Grunt calmed down and jumped over to the bed, curling up at the end.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Physically, I feel fine. Mentally … I have some things I need to get straight in my head, other things I need to come to terms with. Once I can work out that stuff, I think I'll be good."
She really didn't want to know what that 'stuff' was, so she didn't ask. However, she had a feeling he had come to tell her, though.
Leaning back in the chair so it teetered on two legs, he laced his hands in between his legs. "I wanted to talk to you about what I said yesterday, and also ask a favor."
Nodding, she tried to brace herself for whatever he had to say, but she really didn't have anything left. He'd been half out of his mind on LSD, and she wouldn't be one bit surprised if he told her he didn't want them to start over, as he'd proclaimed.
"So, yesterday was a bit strange, huh?"
She met his gaze and nodded. "Yes. You definitely acted … weird."
He chuckled. "Yeah, the colors were everywhere. It was pretty crazy."
They sat in silence for a moment as she tried to swallow more coffee, her heart thudding in her chest. She wished he'd just say what he had to and get this over with.
He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. "I meant it when I said I saw a rainbow around you, and what it represented to me."
Life. It means all the good things in life. You are love and joy. You're laughter and puppies and ice cream and holding hands with the one you love. You're football and beer and cool spring mornings.
"It was sweet of you to say."
He surprised her when he moved over to the bed and sat down. Slowly, he reached out and took her hand.
"I also meant what I said about us starting over, Ava. I don't know you, but I do know that I'm supposed to be with you. I feel that for certain throughout my body, and especially right here, in the center of my chest. I may not know whether you like cream in your coffee or not, but I know that I love you. I can learn about your favorite color, what time you like to go to bed, and if you like horror movies. I'll pick up on all that pretty quick."
Tears pricked her eyes. She'd lost the Jordan she'd known, but now she had the opportunity to start over with this one, a cold-blooded killer. Did he even resemble the same person he'd been when they'd been together?
Only time would tell. She'd have to talk to him, to try to get to know him again. For all she knew, he could have all the same likes and dislikes. Maybe he hadn't changed all that much, and he just didn't know it.
He squeezed her hand. "Please say you'll give us a chance, Ava. I need you in my life, just like I need my heart to pump blood throughout my body."
The only thing she wanted to do was protect herself from more heartache. She didn't know if she could take much more of it. She supposed death had almost destroyed her, and she teetered on the edge of slipping back into that dark, awful time.
However, she did know that if she said no to his proposal, she'd never find out if they could make the relationship work. That would lead to a lot of 'what if's' and probably some doubts, which she hated. If she could avoid them, she would.
She'd had regrets after Jordan's death-mainly the fact that they didn't get to spend more time together. Time had been, and always would be, the most elusive thing, the one precious commodity one could never get back.
As she stared at him, he looked exactly the same-strong, healthy, and masculine; yet, the familiar softness that had been there didn't seem to exist anymore. He held more of an edge.
His ebony gaze pleaded with her, begged her, but his eyes still held a hard glint that had never been there before he'd left for Guatemala.
No, he may not be the same, but then again, neither was she. Tragedy and loss had a tendency to alter people, to oftentimes break them down, and as they rebuilt, to make them a bit stronger.
If she didn't do this, she'd regret it.
"Yes, Jordan. I'd like to see where we end up, as well. I just hope neither of us has changed so much that it doesn't work anymore."
He grinned, then reached out and palmed her cheek. "I think it will. We may be different now, but what I feel inside me seems like a good foundation for us to grow on."
As she closed her eyes, her whole body warmed at his touch, just the way it used to. His fingertips felt a bit like sandpaper, but they still made her ache for more.
When she gazed at him, she could see that he felt the same way, with his hooded lids and parted lips. How she longed for him to pounce on her, to feel his weight almost crushing her as they made love.
He leaned in and their mouths met in a soft kiss. Their lips gently moved over each other's and it felt right and perfect and just the way it used to.
As he pulled away, she sighed.
"I think we need to take things slow," he said, his voice gravelly, but then he laughed. "Not that I really want to, but I think it's best."
She nodded in agreement as she brought her fingers to her lips. If he had crawled into bed with her, she wouldn't have stopped him.
A thought occurred to her: he didn't experience any pain while near her. He hadn't yesterday, either, but she'd chalked that up to the LSD. Today, she didn't understand it.
"Why aren't you writhing on the floor in agony?"
He shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know. I was wondering about that myself. The only thing I can think of is that I've stopped fighting how I feel about you, and I've accepted that I love you, even if I can't remember our past together. There's nothing for my brain to combat anymore. Either that or something positive did come out of that LSD session."
His answer seemed a little far-fetched, but so had the past few days. Never in her wildest dreams could she have ever imagined any of this taking place.
Life had a way of throwing curve balls at you, and sometimes, if you didn't duck at the right time, you got smacked with one. You just never knew what was coming and when, and she had to roll with what had been dealt. That meant accepting things she didn't understand, such as Jordan no longer being in pain, and Garrett turning into a bear.
He reached over to the bed and picked up Grunt, placing the mutt on his lap. "So, this little guy seems pretty important. Do you want to tell me about him?"
She smiled, her heart feeling lighter than it had in over a year. Today, she and Jordan started over. "I'd love to."
They had been talking for about an hour when another knock sounded on her door.
"Shit," Jordan whispered as he stood to answer it.
Ruben stepped in and looked Jordan up and down, then glanced over at Ava. He must have decided everything seemed okay because he finally smiled.
"Didn't mean to interrupt anything, but Joe's waiting for you, Jordan."