When she entered the concrete room, Jordan stared at her a long time, but never really looked directly at her. Instead, he studied the space around her, as if he searched for something. She wondered what went through his tripping brain, and didn't even try to guess. Remaining still, she just looked at him.
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, he stepped up to her and put his hands on her shoulders, his gaze searching her face. She expected to start to see the effects of her being close to him, but he didn't even wince.
"Thank you for coming," he said.
She nodded and tried to smile.
"Did you wear a white thong on our wedding day?"
Garrett snickered behind her, and Brody and Lucas tried to hide their smiles. Heat rose in her cheeks at the question.
"Did I undress you, then get down on my knees and bury my head between your thighs?"
Oh, God. She didn't know whether to be mortified that he asked the questions in front of everyone, or thrilled that it seemed as if he remembered something about them.
Brody broke in. "I think that's enough of those questions, Jordan."
Jordan narrowed his gaze and rotated his head slightly, as if Brody's voice surprised him.
He turned back to Ava. "I'm sorry. Once I saw you, I forgot they were there. Can we talk privately?"
Her heart thundered in her chest. He seemed to be pretty mellow and in a fairly good mood. And, he'd remembered parts of their wedding night. She felt no fear of him, and she nodded.
He guided her over to the bed, then sat down and patted the space next to him.
She hesitated for a moment, then took a seat. Glancing around, she found Brody, Lucas, and Garrett still standing in the room, watching them. They had no privacy, but Jordan seemed to think they did.
"So, was I right about our wedding night?" he whispered into her ear.
Pursing her lips together, she nodded. He smelled of sweat, and he needed a shower.
Being this close to him, their arms and thighs touching, she longed for him to hold her, despite the light scent of body odor wafting off of him.
She leaned in and spoke in a low tone. "Are you remembering us, Jordan?"
He stared at her for a few moments, their gazes locked. His pupils had dilated slightly, and beads of perspiration dotted his forehead despite the cooler basement temperature.
Finally, he shook his head, and her heart sank. She hadn't realized how hopeful she'd been that this crazy plan would work.
His breath caressed her ear as he spoke, sending a delicious chill through her.
"I dreamt it. Your drunk cousin hit on me all night the wedding, and I was so happy to finally be alone with you. Your dress was so soft and pretty, and you looked so beautiful. We made love that night."
Tears pricked her eyes, and she nodded.
He continued his whispers. "In the dream, I was so happy and I loved you so much. I felt it in my chest. It was like someone put a vise on my heart and tried to squeeze the life out of me, but in a good way."
She couldn't help but laugh at that one.
Suddenly, he pulled away and stood. Her heart raced with a tinge of fear as he stared down at her. Feeling vulnerable, she crossed her arms over her chest and stared up at him, hoping her panic didn't show on her face.
After a moment, he finally spoke. "Do you know what I see when I look at you?"
"No."
"I see every color."
He turned away, and she glanced over at Brody, Lucas, Ruben, and Garrett, who watched him closely.
Jordan pointed at the four of them. "These guys only have one color. Brody is blue. Lucas is black, Ruben is orange, and Garrett is brown. But you're not. You're a rainbow."
She furrowed her brow and stood, unsure what to say. The sincerity in his voice actually made her look down at her arm to see if she had developed a rainbow, but she saw nothing. He truly believed what he said, and it unnerved her.
"Can you see it?" he asked.
"No, I can't, Jordan."
This was the stuff that she hadn't wanted to be a part of. It saddened her to see him this way.
"Do you know what I think it means?"
She almost said no, but then thought it may upset him if she did. This whole color thing had become strange enough for her, and she wanted to keep him calm. "Yes. Tell me what you think it means."
"Life. It means all the good things in life. You are love and joy. You're laughter and puppies and ice cream and holding hands with the one you love. You're football and beer and cool spring mornings."
Tears stung her eyes again and she grinned. He sounded like a lunatic, but the sweet words still tugged at her heart.
He moved to the bed and sat down, putting his head in his hands. "I feel dizzy."
As he held his head, she knew the experiment had been a failure. He hadn't broken through any boundaries in his brain, but instead rambled on about colors and their meanings. Her husband was gone. He wouldn't remember their past, and her stomach clenched.
Before, she'd wondered what would be worse: to have him dead, or to have him alive and not remember what they'd shared. She still didn't know the answer to it, because the pain that railed through her body equaled the agony she'd experienced when he'd died.
She wanted to march up to her bedroom, curl up in a fetal position, pull the covers over her head, and never get up again-the exact same helplessness she had experienced a year ago when she'd thought him dead and nothing mattered.
It had taken a lot of time and energy to get her functioning again, and she'd painstakingly built herself back up, day by day, hour by hour. Now, as she stared at her husband who couldn't remember her, she found her carefully reconstructed self beginning to crumble all over again.
He looked up at her, his eyes welling with tears. "I'm a bad person, Ava. I know that now. I don't deserve to be anywhere near you, but right here-" he pounded his chest with a fist, "-right here, it feels like that's exactly where I should be, where I need to be."
She imagined the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the structure that permanently listed to one side. One day, the thing would fall and crumble to the ground. Right now, that's what she felt like, except she already fell through the air, and she couldn't find a way to brace for impact. She'd shatter apart.
"I don't remember your favorite flower, or color, or whether you like your coffee black or with cream. I don't know what ice cream you like, or if you prefer red or white wine, or hell, if you even drink wine. I don't recall if you eat steak, or if you're a vegetarian. I don't know if you prefer a shower or a bath, or if you like horror movies."
He stood and took his hands in hers as tears tracked down his face. "But I do remember how much I love you. I feel it throughout my body, Ava."
Her own cheeks wetted. "What are you saying, Jordan?"
"I don't know. I just know that I need to be with you."
"You mean, like us starting over without your memories?"
He stared at her for a long time as the pad of his thumb caressed her finger, then he spoke in a whisper. "Yeah, I guess that's exactly what I'm saying. It's wrong of me to ask. It's selfish. I see the rainbow around you, and I'm supposed to be with you. You're my life."
She tried to imagine being with him and him not remembering their past. Would it be possible?
The love in her heart for him had never waned. It beat strongly every day, and she'd never tried to stop it or even tamper it down. Hell, she hadn't even cleaned out his closet or gotten rid of any of his other belongings. She'd kept everything just as it had been the day he'd left for Guatemala, and maybe on some level deep within her soul, she'd known eventually, they'd be reunited again.
However, she'd never in her wildest dreams imagined that he wouldn't remember their past.
So she reached another impasse. Would life be better with the Jordan who couldn't remember anything about what they'd done together as a couple, or without him?
She really didn't have to think too hard on this one. Yes, it was scary, and she still didn't know if she fully trusted him, but she would willingly fling herself off this cliff and hope to land safely in his arms. They could rebuild, and make new memories together.
His face cracked into a goofy grin; one she'd never seen before. It had to be the LSD.
"Don't answer me now. Just consider it, okay?"
She nodded, unable to think straight as her emotions seemed to override any logical thoughts, and although she'd never stopped loving Jordan, she really didn't know the man standing in front of her, his gaze pleading and hope seeming to shine from his very being.
The Jordan she knew had disappeared, and this man had taken his place. All she really knew about him was that he killed people for a living.
Yet, her heart ached at the thought of walking away from him.
"Can I please hug you?"
God, how she wanted to feel his strong arms around her, to press against his wide, hard chest. It used to be the best feeling in the world, and whenever he did hold her, nothing could touch her. It had once been her safe space, and she longed to feel that again.
She glanced over at Brody and Lucas, who watched him carefully, then nodded.
As she laid her head against his chest and felt his strong arms circle her, her body and emotions settled, just as they always did when in his embrace. She had found her home once again, and it felt as good as snuggling up by the fire under a blanket on a cold, winter day.