“I want you to leave,” I said.
“Where am I going to go?”
“I can’t let that be my problem.”
“You can’t? You’re unable to care about me?”
“You can stay with Stef. Or your parents.”
“This is my home, too.”
“Then I’ll go,” I said. “You’ll have to sign a new lease.” That was a lousy thing to say. I know he can’t afford the rent by himself.
“Beth, come on. Stop doing this. Look at me.”
“I can’t look at you anymore.”
We argued for a while longer before he agreed to leave. I left then, so that he could pack. I went over to my parents’ house.
My parents …who were jubilant when I told them what happened. I think they were happier about my breakup than Kiley’s wedding. “I knew it was a mistake to let him be in the family picture,” my mother said. “My smart, strong girl,” my dad kept saying.
Chris called me once while he was packing to ask about the record player. It’s mine, but he’s the only one who ever listens to records. I told him he could take it and the rest of the stereo equipment, too. “Jesus,” he said, “if I knew you were going to be so nice, I wouldn’t have already packed all of your CDs.” That made me laugh a little. “Yesterday,” he said, “you were all mine. Every freckle. And today, we’re talking about who gets the VCR.”
“I get the VCR,” I said.
I haven’t talked to him since. He calls me, but I don’t call him back. I’m too weak. He left one of his sweaters in the closet, and I’ve been crying into it for five weeks. I feel like I kicked one of my own kidneys out of the apartment.
Okay, I think that’s it. That’s what happened at my sister’s wedding.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Beth …I’m speechless. I’m practically type-less. Why did you wait so long to tell me?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I tried to call you from Arby’s, but you weren’t home, and when I called you that Monday, I found out that you’d had an even worse weekend than I’d had. Once you told me about the baby, I couldn’t tell you about Chris. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to waste even a tiny little bit of energy on me.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> You’re such a good friend.
I’m just shocked. I really didn’t think you’d ever break up with him.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Even though you wanted me to.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Sometimes.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I always knew he was selfish and self-indulgent and kind of lazy; those are practically prerequisites for playing lead guitar. I also knew that music was pretty much the only thing in life that he felt was worth the hassle. But I thought I was part of the “pretty much.” How could I stay with him, once I knew that he felt like being in love with me was his cross to bear?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> You couldn’t.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> The idea that he would be so overcome by love that marriage would just flatten him …
<<Jennifer to Beth>> It’s a cop-out.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Yeah, I know. When I think about it, which is pretty much constantly, I can’t decide if …
a. He’s capable of growing up and having a real relationship with someone. He just doesn’t love me enough. Or …
b. He’s not capable and also a jerk.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Probably both.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> But mostly the latter.
Do you think I’ve wasted the last nine years of my life?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Nyah, only the last two or three. You couldn’t have known when you spotted him in the student union that his heart was three sizes too small.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I think you might be humoring me. I think you think that Chris has been emotionally unavailable from day one—and that I wanted that for some awful reason.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> You’re right. I do think that.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> So I brought this on myself?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t think it matters what I think or what I did or didn’t see coming. You had to see it for yourself. You had to see it through.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Thank you for being honest.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> If I ask you a hard question, will you answer it honestly?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Yes.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Do you think I’m responsible for my miscarriage?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> No.
Ninety-three percent no. I don’t think your attitude is to blame, but I don’t think it helped.