Attach ments(85)
“I’d be happy to help,” Lincoln said. “Really. Congratulations. Both of you.”
HE SPENT THE next three nights at his apartment. He bought a mattress and a box spring and a lamp. He bought a toothbrush cup and a soap dish and soap that smelled like vetiver. He stood for twenty minutes in the bedding aisle at Target, trying to choose a manly sheet set, then picked the ones with a violet pattern, because he liked violets and who else was ever going to see his sheets, anyway?
From: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder
To: Beth Fremont
Sent: Wed, 02/16/2000 10:00 AM
Subject: Greetings from the most self-centered person in the world.
I realized last night, as I was lying awake telling myself what a despicable person I am, that I really am a despicable person. I’m at the very least a terrible friend. In all these weeks, I haven’t stepped outside of my wretched self even once to ask you about Kiley’s wedding. I am so sorry.
So please, tell me. How was the wedding?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Why are you lying awake, thinking that you’re a terrible person?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> To keep my mind occupied when I can’t sleep. Some people count sheep. I self-loathe.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I can see why you might have trouble sleeping right now, but I can’t see why you would be hating yourself.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> You can’t? Really?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> No. What happened was terrible, but you’re not terrible.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> What happened happened because I’m terrible. How was the wedding?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> No, it didn’t. Of course it didn’t. Do you really believe that bad things happen to people because they deserve it?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> In general, no. In this case, yes.
Remember when my midwife told me to talk to the baby, that it could feel my emotions and intent?
And I said that was crazy, and you said you thought there was probably something to it?
Well, I agree with you now. There was something to it.
The baby could feel what I wanted. I was sending out maternal vibes through my umbilical cord or whatever. And for the first six or seven weeks, the message I was sending was, “Go away.” Go away, go away, go away. And it did.
You can disagree with me all you want and tell me that it isn’t my fault, that these things just happen. But I know that underneath your loving reassurances, you know better than anyone how negative I was, how anxious and angry and mean. I know that it made you uncomfortable.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I agree that you were conflicted and unhappy, but lots of unhappy people have children. You can’t turn off a pregnancy with negative thinking.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Not just negative. Corrosive.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> But you got through that. You accepted being pregnant. You more than accepted it, you were happy about it.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Ironic, huh? (Is that ironic or is it just sad? I get confused sometimes.)
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Please don’t. Don’t oversimplify everything you’ve been through like that.
You had to feel those awful feelings. You had to face them down—confront your bitterness and pessimism—and decide that you didn’t want to be that way anymore.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Just in time to be horrifically disappointed. That’s what I get.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> If you’re determined to see what happened as some sort of universal justice, consider that the lesson here might not be to retreat into cynicism, even if that’s where you feel most comfortable. Maybe the lesson is, rise up.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Well, that seems a bit harsh.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I thought you wanted me to be honest.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> If that’s how you are when you’re honest, I think I’d rather you stick to the usual sentiments, stuff I can file under “Encouragement,” “Cope,” or “Sorry something died inside of you.” I don’t really need “Snap out of it.”
<<Beth to Jennifer>> That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> How is that not what you meant? That’s what you said.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Then I shouldn’t have said it.
From: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder
To: Beth Fremont
Sent: Wed, 02/16/2000 3:15 PM
Subject: Anyway …
How was the wedding?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Does this mean you’ve forgiven me for being insensitive?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> To be perfectly honest, no. I might not completely forgive you until one of us is on her deathbed. (I can’t help it, I’m fond of a grudge.) But until I make another friend, I can’t afford to be angry with you.