“Just think,” Christine said, putting the first crust in the oven, “if you had never read her mail, she would still have a big crush on you. She’d still be gossiping about you to her girlfriend. That should make you feel good.”
It didn’t.
THAT NIGHT, LINCOLN played his character so recklessly, the poor dwarf lost three toes and was cursed with blindness. Lincoln ate too much pizza, drank two big mugs of Dave’s home brew, and slept fitfully on the couch.
The next morning, Christine made him oatmeal and tried to tell him to hold on to the momentum in his life, to try to channel it into a healthier direction. “Remember,” she said, “not all those who wander are lost.”
He thanked her for breakfast and for everything else and hurried out, hoping she wouldn’t see how irritated he was. It seemed like such a pointless, flaky thing to say. Even if it was his favorite line from The Lord of the Rings.
From: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder
To: Beth Fremont
Sent: Mon, 12/06/1999 9:28 AM
Subject: I’ll bet you’re the kind of girl who’s already picked out baby names.
Am I right? What are they?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Like I’m going to tell you. A pregnant person.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I’m not going to steal them.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> That’s what they all say. Are you starting to pick out names?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I’m not. Mitch is. Actually, he already has a name that he likes: Cody.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> For a girl or a boy?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Either.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Hmm.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Go ahead. I know it’s awful.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> It really is. For either a boy or a girl.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I know.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> That name feathers its bangs.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I know.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> It collects dream catchers.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I know.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> It cries out for the middle name “Dawn.”
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I know, I know, I know.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> So, did you say, “No child of mine will be named Cody, not in this lifetime, not in the next 50 lifetimes.”
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I said, “Let’s wait on names until we know what we’re having.”
And he said, “But that’s the beauty of Cody. It works for everything.”
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I know it’s mean to laugh at someone who might have to name her firstborn Cody, but I can’t help it. It works for everything.
What names do you like?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I don’t know. I can’t even think about it that way, like something with a name.
I feel like Mitch should get to pick out the name because he’s more invested in this whole idea. It’s like, when you’re going out to dinner and you don’t really care where you go, but the other person really wants to go to the Chinese buffet. Maybe you don’t love the Chinese buffet, but it’s kind of rude to argue when you don’t even really care.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Um. I think you’ve got a lot invested in this baby. You’re the one carrying it.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Yes, but Mitch is more attached to it.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Your umbilical cord begs to differ.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Do you think I have an umbilical cord already? I’m only six weeks along.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Isn’t that what feeds the baby?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Yes, but it doesn’t pop out of nowhere. It’s not like you already have a cord in your uterus that’s just waiting for an outlet to plug into.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I think it forms with the baby. Isn’t this covered in that What to Expect When You’re Expecting book?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> I’m sure I wouldn’t know. I can’t stand books like that. Why should every pregnant woman be expected to read the same book? Or any book? Being pregnant isn’t that complicated. What to Expect When You’re Expecting shouldn’t be a book. It should be a Post-it: “Take your vitamins. Don’t drink vodka. Get used to empire waistlines.”
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I might have to see if there’s a What to Expect When Your Crabby Best Friend is Expecting book. I want to know about the umbilical cord.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> It’s nice of you to say I’m your best friend.
<<Beth to Jennifer>> You are my best friend, dummy.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Really? You’re my best friend. But I always assumed that somebody else was your best friend, and I was totally okay with that. You don’t have to say that I’m your best friend just to make me feel good.