Lincoln pressed a palm into one eye. “She had breasts.”
“Really,” his mother said flatly. She had a way of asking “really” that wasn’t ever a question. It was more of a challenge.
“I’m not gay.”
“Of course you’re not gay.”
“I was just, I was going to ask you if you found Tom Cruise attractive because I don’t find Julia Roberts attractive, and I was wondering if it was maybe all a big lie perpetuated by the media.”
“You don’t find Julia Roberts attractive? Huh. Really.”
ON FRIDAY, LINCOLN got up late. He caught the last half of Quantum Leap, helped his mom move a couch, then met his sister at the mall to help her pick out a new cell phone. They ate hot dogs afterward in the food court, and Lincoln showed Eve his library book.
“So,” she asked, “what color is your parachute?”
“Green,” he guessed. It could be green.
Eve was so pleased with this progress that she insisted on buying him an Orange Julius. Then she remembered that he was making more money than she was now and insisted that he buy her an Orange Julius.
That night at work, he felt like he was wearing somebody else’s pants. A thinner somebody else’s pants. He shouldn’t have eaten two hot dogs. He should get some exercise. Maybe he could sneak a piece of exercise equipment into the office. What could he fit in his backpack? Free weights? A ThighMaster? His mom’s inflatable yoga ball?
He ate three cartons of vending machine yogurt for dinner and spent four hours playing Tetris on his computer. Maybe he could sneak in his PlayStation, too. He could still see the Tetris blocks falling on the inside of his eyelids when he finally checked the WebFence folder.
From: Beth Fremont
To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder
Sent: Fri, 09/03/1999 2:08 PM
Subject: This weekend.
Hey, all this week’s movies came out on Wednesday, so I have tonight off, and Chris has a show.
Do you still need a break from your funky husband? Do you want to get together? See a movie or something?
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Why would you want to see a movie when you have the night off from seeing movies? I don’t write headlines on my days off. (Though I do correct grammar. It gets on Mitch’s nerves.)
I would love to see a movie, but tonight is North’s first home game. Mitch will have already set out the blue-and-gold sweatshirt he bought me for my birthday. My evening will be spent sitting on a cold, hard bleacher, watching my husband conduct “Tequila” and “All Hail the Golden Vikings.” (And weirdly enjoying it.)
Hey, why don’t you join us? Come to the game. I’ll even let you borrow some Vikingwear—how do you feel about stocking hats with horns?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> Hey, why don’t I? Maybe because I’m still too cool to sit with the band kids?
I don’t know …I guess that could be fun. I could make scandalous eye contact with hot high school guys.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> High school guys only appear hot to high school girls. It’s something to do with the fluorescent lighting in the classrooms, I think. They’re actually really skinny and spotty, and they have giant feet. Why don’t you go to Chris’s show?
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I don’t go to his shows anymore. And I know you’re going to ask me why not, so I’ll just tell you: In college, I never missed a show. I would spend an hour putting on eyeliner and another hour putting on Chris’s eyeliner. I’d get to the club early, help them set up, sit through the first two bands, then make sure I was sitting front and left, so that when he looked up from his guitar, I would be at the center of his field of vision. Like Courteney Cox in the “Dancing in the Dark” video. It was nirvana.
(Pre-Nirvana nirvana.)
And then I started working for the Entertainment section. And all of Chris’s friends found out about my job and started coming up to me during shows to give me tapes and pretend that they liked me.
And then Stef and Chris got in that fight about me working for the newspaper …
And I work most weekend nights anyway, so …
It’s just easier to stay home on show nights and wait up for him.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> What fight? And doesn’t Chris miss you at the shows? (You never talk about college. I can just see you swooning, in full groupie mode.)
<<Beth to Jennifer>> I do so talk about college. Don’t I? I loved college. I wish I could go back.
The fight was stupid: Stef was convinced that the band would get better coverage if I didn’t work for The Courier.
<<Jennifer to Beth>> Ooo, I hate Stef. He has Yoko Ono issues.