It wasn't the first time I hadn't been enough for someone to consider sticking around. But this time around it hurt a hell of a lot more.
My mother had been the first to walk away and while I couldn't fault her for leaving an abusive relationship, I'd never been able to make sense of why she'd left me. I hadn't gotten the chance to ask her, because I'd never heard from her again, even after my father had died. Mel had been the next one who'd found me lacking, though I couldn't exactly blame her for not having wanted to be with me since the feeling had been mutual. My issue had been with how she'd escaped the doomed marriage … by sleeping around and then blaming me for not paying enough attention to her. But the crux of it all had been when she'd left our daughter too. She hadn't even asked for joint custody when we'd divorced. It was a secret I'd kept well-hidden from Jenna until the day she'd discovered the divorce papers for herself and found the document where her mother had signed away her parental rights.
Jenna had blamed me at first, certain that I'd forced Mel to sign that paper. But the truth had come out when Jenna had packed up her stuff at the tender age of twelve and gotten a ride to her mother's apartment in the city. Mel had been less than thrilled to see our daughter on her doorstep and when Jenna had told her she'd stand up in court and tell anyone and everyone that she wanted to live with her mother instead of me, Mel had been horrified and hadn't held her punches when she'd told our child to go home where she belonged. I hadn't gotten the complete story from Jenna when she'd called me in tears to come and get her from a park near Mel's apartment, but I'd gotten the gist of it. I'd promised her that she and I would always be a family, but it hadn't been enough. Maybe if Mel hadn't ever been in her life, Jenna wouldn't have missed something she'd never had. But Mel's indifference had left the same mark on Jenna that my mother's defection had left on me. And nothing I'd said or done had been able to change that. Within a couple of months, Jenna had started acting out in school and her grades had started to slip. By her thirteenth birthday, she'd been well on her way to becoming a full-blown addict.
And I hadn't been able to stop any of it.
I forced the bad memories aside and focused on rinsing out my coffee cup. My plan for the day was simple and singular - do whatever it took to keep from thinking about Dante.
I still had quite a bit of packing to do of my personal possessions that I was taking with me. I also needed to make arrangements to have Ace transported to the stable outside of Seattle I'd found. Trent's trial would likely be ending later today or tomorrow and I was planning on attending the reading of the verdict. The prosecutor had left a message saying it would be helpful if I came for his closing argument, too. Unlike me, he was confident that my professional reputation had withstood the hit my personal one had taken. And he was going to remind the jury of that during his closing.
"Why?"
The sound of Dante's voice startled me and I swung around to see him standing near the entrance to the kitchen, his clothes soaking wet and his hair hanging in a wet mess on his face.
"Why did you say all that out there?" he asked, his voice uneven as he motioned over his shoulder to the open front door.
He looked so broken, that I couldn't even enjoy the flare of hope that sparked to life inside of me that he was still here.
Before I could even answer, he used his hands to push his sopping hair back off his face. "What do you want from me, Magnus?" he whispered in an agonized voice.
I didn't dare move because I feared he'd run.
"You," I said truthfully. "I just want you, Dante."
He looked pained as he closed his eyes and I saw his face fall. I wasn't sure why, but it clearly wasn't the answer he'd wanted to hear. But it was the only one I had. I wasn't going to freak him out with relationship talk, but I knew deep in my heart that was what I wanted. I wanted a chance to explore the feelings he stirred in me. I wanted a chance to know the real him … the him he'd given me glimpses of.
I knew this was a make or break moment for us, so I wasn't going to sugarcoat anything for him in the hopes he'd stay.
"But I want the real you," I continued. "Not the version of you who you want everyone else to see." I risked stepping a little closer to him as I spoke, though there were still half a dozen feet between us when I stopped.
"You wouldn't want the real me," he said dully, the emotion fading out of his voice.
"Try me," I suggested as I took a few more steps toward him.
"The cab driver is waiting for me."
"He can wait a little longer," I suggested. I desperately wanted to touch him, but I didn't. He was caught somewhere between hope and resignation and I was going to do anything in my power to make sure he came out on the side of hope when this thing was over.
"It's my fault," he began, his voice thick. "It's my fault Aleks is gone."
I remained quiet and didn't dare even move for fear he'd retreat back into himself. I didn't believe what he was saying for a second, though I had no doubt he believed it.
"He and I had gone to the mall. He'd gotten some money for his eighth birthday a few days earlier and he'd wanted to go to the toy store. I'd agreed to take him, but I'd wanted to stop at the arcade first. There … "
Dante's voice dropped off as he closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, they were awash in shame and humiliation. "There was this guy I had plans to meet … he owned the place."
It wasn't lost on me what Dante was talking about, nor was the fact that he'd been only sixteen when his brother had been abducted and if whatever guy he'd been meeting had owned the arcade, it meant he'd likely been considerably older than Dante.
"I bought Aleks some tokens and told him to go play some of the games until I was done. He thought … he thought I was talking to the guy about a job."
I nodded in understanding, but remained silent.
"I made Aleks promise not to leave the arcade. But when the guy and I were done, I couldn't find Aleks anywhere. Some kids said they saw him leave the arcade and head towards the toy store. I went to look for him, but I couldn't find him anywhere … "
Dante's voice broke. "I didn't call the police right away because I didn't want to get into trouble. Maybe if I had-"
I shook my head. "It wouldn't have made a difference," I said gently. "They would have had a car waiting. By the time the cops would have gotten enough officers there to lock the mall down, they would have already been long gone."
"I sold out my brother for a quick fuck, Magnus," Dante whispered, his voice horrified as if it was the first time he was realizing what had happened.
I reached out and gently pulled him forward until his head was pressed against my chest. "You couldn't have known, Dante. Even in your wildest dreams, you couldn't have anticipated what would happen."
Dante's arms were hanging limply by his sides, but they slowly came up to wrap around me. I ignored the chill as his wet clothes soaked through my T-shirt and sweats.
"He used to call me Meu melhor..."
"What does it mean?" I asked softly as I pressed my lips against the top of his head.
"My Best," he responded.
"Best what?"
"That was the game," Dante murmured. "One day when he was six or seven, he told me I was his best and I asked him his best what. He just shook his head at me so I started guessing words. Brother, friend … then I started making silly guesses just to make him laugh. When I was done, he said 'Tudo.'" Dante's fingers dug into my back as he whispered, "Everything."
My Best Everything …
"We'd play the game every time I picked him up from somewhere … or dropped him off. Bedtime, in the morning … it didn't matter. I just did it to make him laugh and he did it … "
Dante's voice dropped off. I slid my hand up and down his icy back as I quietly asked, "Why did he do it?"
"To remind me I was perfect just the way I was, even when others told me I wasn't."
I knew there was more to that part of the story, but I let it go. "Smart little boy," I said softly.
Dante nodded and pulled free of my embrace. He wiped at his eyes with his hands. He could have been trying to get rid of some of the rainwater that was dripping down from his hair, but I highly doubted it. He stood stock still after that, clearly waiting for me to rain judgement down on him for what had happened to his brother.
"Tell me what you need from me, Dante," I murmured as I reached out to run my fingers along his jawline. "Nothing's changed for me. Nothing you've told me changes how I feel about you … I doubt there's anything you could tell me that could change that."
"I don't do relationships for a reason, Magnus," Dante muttered as he glanced out the window. The rain was still coming down in sheets, but I knew it wouldn't deter him from leaving if that was what he still wanted.
"I don't want to just be another warm body to you," I admitted, hating the vulnerability that skated through me. "This being with another guy thing may be new for me, but you're not some experiment."