Fortunately, unlike last night, I'd come to my senses this morning and I'd called a cab to take me to the airport. I'd already gotten the all clear from Memphis to leave after I'd briefed him on the events of the previous day in regards to the trial. I hadn't told him about the humiliation Magnus had been forced to endure as his past had been exposed for all the world to see, but Memphis had agreed with me that since Magnus's part in the trial was over, there was no longer any threat to him.
So, there was no reason for me to stay.
And a whole host of them for me to leave.
I settled my hand on my tapping leg in the hopes of quelling my anxiety. What I really wanted was a cigarette, even though I hadn't smoked in years.
I hated that I was running away like the coward I was, but I had nothing left in me. No, Magnus had stripped me of everything as surely as he'd claimed my body yesterday. He'd taken the last of my pride when he'd flung his cruel words at me about not being able to deal with me and then he'd taken the last of my defenses when he'd admitted he wanted me. There'd been no satisfaction in knowing my initial instincts that he'd been attracted to me from the get go had been right. I hadn't cared in the least about that as he'd admitted to being jealous of all the people I'd been with – I'd only felt shame at knowing he'd seen me with those other people and disbelief that he'd wanted me even then.
But that was nothing compared to the bone deep pain I'd felt when I'd initially believed that he was just toying with me … coming up with the perfect way to punish me for the many times I'd needled him. He'd found my weakness and exploited it and he'd somehow figured out that all my comments about wanting him had been the truth cloaked in false bravado. I'd wanted to die in that moment as he'd said the things I'd wanted to hear. His words had been like a mortal wound on my soul, and for only the second time in my life, I'd done something I'd sworn to myself I would never do again … I'd begged.
He'd ripped me open so wide that my only defense against his lie had been the truth.
Except he hadn't lied.
I knew that now without a shadow of a doubt.
Even if his words hadn't convinced me, his body would have. There'd been no lie behind his every touch, every kiss. The emotion in his eyes as he'd held mine had been mirrors to what he'd been feeling … what he'd made me feel. For someone as controlled as Magnus, he'd been an open book with me. There'd been no holding back, no pretending, no hesitation. He'd wanted me.
Not just my body.
Me.
A shiver ran up my spine as I remembered the way Magnus had clung to me as he'd come deep inside of me. Like he was never going to let me go.
I'd loved that feeling.
And dreaded it.
Because even before he'd pulled free of my body, I'd wanted more. I'd wanted to believe I was deserving of the way he'd kissed my neck or how he'd brushed my hair away from my face. I'd wanted to believe I was worthy of how safe and protected I'd felt in that moment.
Cherished.
I shook my head as I checked my watch. It would be at least another twenty minutes before the cab arrived. I was about to get up from the porch steps and start walking down the driveway to meet the cab so I wouldn't risk running into Magnus, but big, fat drops of water began to hit the parched earth a second before the heavens opened up. I didn't relish the idea of sitting soaking wet in the cab for an hour or on a five-hour flight, so I stayed put and hoped like hell that Magnus was sleeping as soundly as he'd been when I'd carefully worked myself free of the heavy arm that had been slung over my waist this morning when I'd woken up.
Not only had I bottomed for the man, I'd actually crawled into bed with him … to sleep!
My stomach clenched as I remembered how good it had felt to have Magnus's beautiful cock pushing into my body. The burn, the fleeting pain...they'd morphed into something that had been so much more powerful than just the physical sensation of being filled. It hadn't just felt good – I'd felt whole. For the first time in my entire fucking life, I'd felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be and that I didn't have to hide behind a veneer of not caring about anyone or anything. The brutally intense orgasm that had followed had almost been an afterthought to all the emotions surging through me as Magnus had surrounded me with his body, his scent, his words.
The most I'd ever hoped for with Magnus when I'd first met him was really great sex. Really great didn't even begin to cover how amazing it had been. But he'd manage to reach a part of me that I'd desperately tried to bury beneath a wall of emotionless sex, crude sexual innuendo and an untouchable attitude.
I'd heard Magnus's disappointment as I'd started blocking him out even before he'd pulled free of my body. That's why I hadn't been able to look at him. That's why I'd told him I would call the cab myself. That's why I'd made a beeline for the shower the second he'd disappeared and turned the water on as hot as I could bear in the hopes I could scrub his touch away.
Because maybe if I couldn't still feel it, I wouldn't still want it.
It hadn't worked, of course, and I'd just ended up sitting on the floor of the too small shower stall until the water had become too cold to endure. I'd called Memphis afterwards, but he hadn't answered and hadn't returned my call until after darkness had fallen. I could have left without clearing it with him, but something had held me back. I'd wanted to believe it was because I didn't want to let Memphis down a second time, not after the night of the wedding when I'd walked out on my duty to protect Matty. But as good as I was at convincing others, I was shit when it came to believing my own lies.
I hadn't left because I hadn't had the strength to.
I'd wanted Magnus again. The lie that I was staying because it was my job hadn't helped. The two hours I'd spent pacing my room like a caged animal hadn't helped.
And when the call had come from Memphis just before midnight officially relieving me of my duties, I'd still stayed. I hadn't tried to sleep. I hadn't checked for flights home. I hadn't done anything but sit in that small, dark hallway and stare at the spot where Magnus had covered my body with his and admitted he wanted me.
I flinched when I heard the door behind me open. Fuck, why hadn't I just endured soaked clothes and waited for the cab by the road?
"Here," I heard Magnus say as he settled on the step next to me and I automatically moved over to put some space between us.
I forced myself to look at him and saw that he was holding a cup of coffee out to me and he had another one in his other hand. But it was what was tucked under his armpit that had my attention. I took the coffee and watched as he silently put the unopened umbrella between us. The silent message that he was going to let me leave without a fight should have been a relief.
It wasn't.
It hurt like a motherfucker.
I took a sip of the coffee and felt a lump of emotion get stuck in my throat. He'd prepared it exactly the way I liked. When had he even noticed how I took my coffee?
"My grandfather was the one who taught me what it meant to be a man," Magnus said quietly. "He was a tough son of a bitch, but I respected the hell out of him and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. All his rules and lessons really just came down to one thing, though. 'The strongest man is the one who's still standing when everyone else around him has fallen.'"
Magnus was quiet for a moment before he said, "You're the only one who's ever seen that I can't always live up to that expectation, Dante. You've seen me at my worst. The cemetery, court … that shit with Colton. I lashed out at you yesterday because if there's anyone in this world I wouldn't have wanted to see that part of me, it's you."
I held my breath at that and struggled to keep my gaze fixed on my coffee. God, I needed him to stop talking.
"And not because we've had our fair share of problems," he murmured. "I just … I wanted you to see that I was more than that. That I could be someone you could … "
His words hung between us for the longest time before he whispered, "Someone you could lean on when you were tired of standing on your own."
Was he fucking serious? Did he really think I saw him as weak? Or unworthy in any sense of the word?
"I never meant to hurt you and I'm so damn sorry I did," he said so quietly, I barely heard him. And then his hand came out to cup the side of my head and he pulled me closer to him and skimmed his lips over my temple in the briefest of kisses. "Take care of yourself, Dante." And with that, he got up and went back into the house, leaving me in a cloud of stunned silence. I wasn't sure how long I sat there for. I just kept glancing at the umbrella at my side and wondering why the hell I couldn't pick it up.
And then I didn't have to wonder because the sound of an engine caught my attention.
My cab had finally arrived.
Chapter Fourteen
Magnus
My jaw hurt like hell where Dante had punched me the day before, but it had nothing on the ache in my heart. This morning was the first time I'd woken up and my first thought hadn't been that I was never going to see my daughter again. No, my first thought had been, please don't let him be gone. I'd sort of gotten my wish in that Dante had been sitting on the porch steps. But my relief hadn't lasted long because I'd seen his packed bag sitting next to him and his tapping leg had been a clear sign of his agitation. My first instinct had been to go out there and ask him not to leave, but I'd managed to come to my senses. He was leaving because he'd done his job and had no other reason to stay.