I sit back in my seat, not sure what to think. This couldn’t be the big secret Jake was afraid to tell me, could it? So Jake said his stepmom slept with his friend. Did she also have his friend’s baby? That’s not pretty, but it’s nothing Jake would be obligated to tell me or would affect our relationship. The way this guy stood by and watched them walk past, I wonder if anyone even knows.
“We should leave,” I tell AJ. Although I’m not exactly sure where the next place I go ought to be.
19. DELICATE THINGS
Cassie
I find Jake on Monday, on my lunch break. He’s in the front of the auto shop when I come in, arranging a display of wiper blades and steadfastly refusing to acknowledge my existence. I admire his commitment to the task, but I know he sees me. If he’d thought I was a random customer who’d come through the door, he’d actually have asked if I need help.
“Aren’t you going to talk to me?”
“Is something wrong with the car?” He keeps his eyes forward, sliding each package into the rack in front of him with amazing care. I dunno, maybe they’re delicate things, windshield wipers. Somehow I doubt he needs to be that careful.
I huff a really loud breath and cross my arms. I’m hoping to pull off annoyed, but where my arms meet I’m covering the painful burn of his brush-off. “Why are you doing this?”
“Why, after I told you I had something important to say, did you run out of my house like your ass was on fire?” He turns his sharp gaze on me, his blue eyes dark and violent like I’ve never seen them.
I resist the urge to step back. This is a fight. Couples have them. If that’s what I want us to be, then I need to suck it up and deal. “I got scared. Whatever this thing is you think I need to know—”
“You do need to know.” He stands with rough, jerky movements. He’s usually so fluid, so calm and confident. “You want to be with me? You need to be damn sure. You can’t put your head in the sand and cross your fingers.”
“I don’t have my head in the sand.” Now I’m getting mad. Feeling talked-down-to never sits well, and it reminds me of my ex.
“Then why the fuck won’t you hear me?” Jake looks at me like I slapped him, and that makes my heart hurt like someone cut it open.
I’m trying to fix this. How does it keep going downhill?
“Look, I trust you. Whatever this thing is, I believe you’re good. And yes, I can admit I was afraid. You seem so sure it’ll change things, and I don’t want it to. I’ve finally found something good. I want it to stay good. I don’t see what you can tell me that will change my mind.”
Finally he steps forward, dropping the last of his inventory into a box and taking my hand. “I want things to stay good as much as you do. It’s gotta be honest, though. My life’s been nothing but lies and secrets. You’re talking about upending your plans and staying in this town you didn’t even mean to stop in for a bathroom break. If we’re going to be together, you need to know the truth.”
“There’s no doubt for me. None.” Maybe I grab his arm a little harder than I need to when I answer. Maybe it’s for him, and maybe it’s for me.
Okay, I need the reassurance of hanging onto him. He’s the only home base I’ve ever known, the only thing that’s felt secure since I was too young to know the difference. I need this to be okay.
I need us to be okay.
“Hey. You’re right.” He frowns down at the place where my fingers dent his skin, like he knows what I’m thinking and he’s definitely still having doubts. “We still need to be honest with each other. How else will we know for sure it’s right?”
It’s right. It is.
Words aren’t enough. I know he needs this. Perhaps some part of me does too. “Okay.” I nod, and I try to smile. It doesn’t work so well.
“Hey, I work the dinner shift tonight at Joe’s. Come by after? We’ll talk then.”
“Okay.”
“Good.” He kisses me. Quick. Light. Almost a friend kiss. “It’ll be good to have everything out in the open, Cassie. You’ll see.”
I agree as enthusiastically as I can, but as I say goodbye and return to work for the rest of the afternoon I can’t help but worry. I hope he’s right. I hope we both are.
Jake
I bring a takeout box of nachos when Cassie comes to meet me after work, and a box of these hazelnut truffle things I remember her saying she likes. I don’t know what the magic solution is for warming up to dropping news that’s probably going to freak out your girl. My mom used to say something about food and love when I was a kid, though—I guess that’s why last time I tried to talk to Cassie about this, I made her dinner.