My eyes widened as Jayden and I leaned in closer, so as not to miss a word. “He attacked and killed his fiancée before they could bring him in.”
Oh shit. That was not what I’d expected him to say. Each word hit me like a slap to the face. My emotions were a complete tangle, but my heart truly ached for the pain I knew Ryder would have experienced that day and probably every day since. He was clearly still beating himself up. He must have loved his fiancée more than anything.
I rubbed at my eyes a few times. Jayden was hovering close by as if ready to hug me if I needed it. I gave him a half smile. It was my best attempt.
“I might call it a night, guys. Big day tomorrow.” I was no longer in the mood to party, and the alcohol seemed to have dissipated inside of me.
I waved goodbye and left, hoping like hell a good night’s sleep would rid some of the terrible ache inside of me. Still, I preferred to know, no matter how painful. So much of Ryder’s behavior made sense now – his aloofness, the rigid way he controlled himself. I understood it too. If I had hurt or killed Tessa or my mom, I would never have forgiven myself either. Of course, with the culling tomorrow, the timing of finding out this secret was not the best. There would be no true rest for me tonight.
Sure enough, that night I tossed and turned, dreaming of the culling, of blood and Ryder. By the time morning came, my head was heavy with the need for more sleep. As I pulled myself up, Jayden was sitting at the edge of his bed, staring at a blank wall.
What’s wrong?” I dragged myself off the bed, surprised that I didn’t feel hung over. Last night was intense.
“I’m slated to fight first.” His voice sounded hollow. Shit. Ryder had told me I was last. Good for me, bad for Jayden.
Pep talk time. I crossed our small room, standing before him. “You’re gay and black,” I announced.
He forced a grin. “How very observant of you, darling.”
I grasped both of his shoulders and made him look at me. “You’re the underdog. No one expects you to whip ass, which is why you will. I’ve seen you fight. I’m jealous of how strong and controlled your movements are. Show everyone just how deadly an ash you can be!”
Jayden grinned and stood, raising one fist above his head. “For black gay ash everywhere!” he declared, and we both laughed. But a lump had formed in my throat. I loved this guy, for reals. He was my family now too. And family don’t quit each other.
After getting ready and putting on my jumpsuit, I made my way with Jayden to the gym. As we neared I heard the rumbling of a crowd. Jayden looked nervously at me. Some of that blank stare was back on his face. I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. We took the side entrance and walked in through the locker room where Jayden’s coach was.
His coach greeted him. I was pretty sure his name was Bryan. “Hey, big guy, you ready to make me proud?”
On the bench next to him I saw a long-handled axe. The weapon was a mid-sized one, and would have been too heavy for me to use effectively.
Jayden gave a weak smile. “Is that my weapon?”
His trainer nodded. “You got picked for the bottom because it’s a popularity contest full of bribes and favoritism. Trust me, they have overlooked how strong you are. You will be fine.”
I cringed at the mention of bribes. I had no doubt Lucas probably paid a shitload of money to get me at the top of the fighting roster, but still, Jayden’s trainer’s confidence in him made me happy.
I forced down the burning in my chest as Jayden turned to face me, eyes full of emotion.
“If I die, you can have my Coach wallet and my fancy tweezers. Don’t let those eyebrows get too crazy.”
I chuckled, tears springing to my eyes as I pulled him in for an extended hug. “Don’t leave me,” I whispered. Seriously, I needed him.
He squeezed me back, then his trainer asked me to go so he could get him prepared. I left the gym and suddenly I knew that I couldn’t watch. There was no way in hell I could watch this fight. Not Jayden. I turned the corner to go to the cafeteria and slammed into Ryder. My breath whooshed out of me.
As he pulled back, his eyes ran over my face. He was doing that thing where he attempted to ferret out my secrets. Probably he was seeing quite clearly the anguish I was not hiding very well.
“You should watch the fights. It will help you learn the other ashes’ moves, and it will desensitize you a small amount to the killing.”
“Jayden’s fighting. I can’t … I will watch the others,” I mumbled, and my answer seemed to satisfy him. He nodded and turned to walk away towards the gym. I felt a need to say something more.