As Sure as the Dawn(99)
“What happened last night?”
She blushed vividly. “Nothing that should have surprised me,” she said grimly.
Theophilus was left to wonder. He had ideas of his own, but hoped they were incorrect. He had seen how Atretes looked at her. He smiled to himself. If he were a few years younger, or she a few older, Atretes wouldn’t have a clear field where she was concerned. “He’s a little rough around the edges, but give him time.” He received a hot look that surprised him and gave him a hint of what happened. His outrage was swift. “Did he—”
“No,” she said quickly and looked away, embarrassed. “He changed his mind.”
That’s something, Theophilus thought. A man’s decency could be destroyed after a couple of years in a ludus. Atretes had spent over ten years in them.
“He’s been chained, beaten, branded, and trained like a prize animal, Rizpah,” he said, feeling compelled to explain the barbarian. “He won’t become civilized overnight.”
“I didn’t do any of those things to him.”
“No, but you’re more of a threat to him than anything else he’s faced so far. His emotions are on fire.”
“I didn’t fan them.”
“Your proximity is enough to do that, or haven’t you noticed?”
“The only emotion Atretes possesses in any great quantity and quality is anger!” she said, her dark eyes glittering.
“He’s had to hone it to survive. Can you blame him?”
“I can blame him for what he does to me,” she said, hurt that Theophilus of all people should defend him.
“And how far will it get you toward what you want?” He saw his question made her uncomfortable. It would appear Atretes’ emotions weren’t the only ones on fire. “Aren’t you hiding behind your own anger right now because he hurt you? Love him the way you’ve been called to love him. If you can’t, how in God’s name is he going to know the difference between what he’s had and what you and I offer?”
What was she offering? “It’s not that easy.”
His smiled gently. “Is it ever easy?”
“You don’t understand,” she said weakly and looked down at her clasped hands. How could he when even she didn’t fully understand herself.
He laughed softly. “I’d bet my salt he said the same thing to you last night.” He lay back on his gear. “‘Frustrating, bull- headed, thick-skinned. . . .’” he said, repeating her own words as he made himself comfortable. He gave a wide yawn and closed his eyes. “You two are a matched pair.”
Piqued, she sat silent. As Theophilus dozed in the sunshine, she thought deeply, praying that the Lord would cleanse her of her ill feelings and renew a right spirit within her.
“Keep my mind set on you, Father. Atretes is hardheaded, insensitive, boorish, impossible,” she whispered, so as not to awaken Theophilus.
Forgive as you have been forgiven.
“Lord, I didn’t deserve such treatment. I meant to comfort, not entice him. And he thought to use me like a harlot.”
Forgive . . .
“Father, remove my attraction to him. I pray you will dissolve my feelings where he’s concerned. They’re distracting and disturbing, and it’s hard enough walking this road without feeling pulled by my weak flesh. I don’t want to go to Germania. Couldn’t you change his mind? Maybe a small village in Northern Italy? Germania is so far away and if his people are anything like him . . .”
I desire compassion and not sacrifice.
The remembered Scripture made no sense to her in the face of her tumultuous feelings, but she knew whatever she thought or felt, God called her to obedience. Jesus said forgive, and she would forgive whether she felt like it or not.
Continuing to pray, she rose and walked along the high bank. “I don’t want to forgive him, Lord. I need your heart if I’m to do so. My own is shrivelled beneath of the heat of Atretes’ anger and my own. I want to slap his face and scream at him. If I were a man and had his strength—”
Beloved, be still.
Pausing, Rizpah bowed her head, ashamed, her heart aching.
“If it’s your will for me to forgive him, Lord, then please change my heart, because it’s black right now, so black I can’t see my way up out of the hole Atretes threw me in last night. Help me do your will. Show me another side of him.”
She heard Caleb’s squeal and headed along the bank again. She saw them below through a screen of leafy branches. Atretes sat on the sandy bank, his legs spread wide, Caleb sitting between, facing him. Caleb clung fast to his large hands, pulling himself up into a standing position and taking a wobbly step toward him. His chubby legs buckled, and he sat down hard. When he started to cry, Atretes picked him up, nuzzled his neck, and kissed him.