Theophilus’ mouth curved, but his smile held neither mockery nor triumph, only a grievous understanding.
16
The Alexandrian freighter sailed under the guard of the two Roman galleys until they reached the straits at the boot of Italy. The escort then headed east as the Alexandrian proceeded past Sicily into the Tyrrhenian Sea.
Sailing north, Atretes noticed the devastation along the shoreline. “Mount Vesuvius erupted a year ago,” one of the crew told him. “Covered the cities of Heraclea and Pompeii. You can’t even tell they existed. The Jews believe it’s their god’s judgment on Titus for what he did to Jerusalem.”
Atretes was beginning to like this god.
The farther up the coast they sailed, the more ships were sighted. Under oar and sail, they came from every part of the Empire, carrying cargo to the gluttonous markets of the Eternal City.
Atretes stood near the prow, dreading his return to Rome. Dark memories tormented him. He slept little, plagued by a premonition that he would be captured and forced to fight for the Roman mob again.
“What’s that you’re holding, Atretes?” Peter said, sitting on a barrel nearby.
He opened his clenched fist and stared at the ivory chip in his palm. “My proof of freedom,” he said grimly. His only proof.
“What if someone stole it from you? Would that mean you weren’t free anymore?”
“I don’t know, boy.”
“What would you do if they tried to put you back into a ludus?”
“I wouldn’t give up without a fight.”
* * *
Rizpah saw little of Atretes, choosing to remain inside the small shelter and keep Rhoda company. She was worried about her. Rhoda hadn’t spoken a word since her husband’s body was delivered into the sea. She sat silent and pale, grieving. Camella, mourning the loss of her brother as well, remained outside the shelter until nightfall, avoiding her sister-in-law’s company for as long as possible. Poor Lysia, torn between love for her mother and her aunt, went back and forth between the two.
Camella finally entered the shelter and sat down. She gave a cursory glance at Rhoda and then smiled at Rizpah. “One of the ship’s officers just told me if the winds hold, we’ll be in Ostia by the Ides of March. That’s the day after tomorrow.”
“I’m a little frightened at the thought of Rome,” Rizpah said. Caleb was asleep at her breast. She laid him down and covered him with a soft blanket. His mouth worked as though he was still nursing.
“He’s beautiful,” Rhoda said softly, surprising both women. She began to weep, tears coursing down her white cheeks. Leaning forward, she put her finger into Caleb’s palm. His fingers closed instinctively around hers. “I’ve always wanted a child. For as long as I can remember, that was the greatest desire of my heart. Prochorus said the Lord would bless us with one in his good time. I prayed unceasingly for a baby. Now I’ll never have one.”
She raised her head and looked across at Camella, who stiffened and drew back slightly, expecting attack. Instead, Rhoda spoke softly.
“When you came to live with us, it was as though God mocked me. From the time I was a child, I’ve believed in the Lord and served him. I never strayed—” Her voice broke and she looked at Caleb again.
“The way I did, you mean,” Camella said in brittle tones. “Isn’t that what you want to say?”
“Cam,” Rizpah said, aggrieved.
“No. It’s true. Let’s have it all out in the open now. She lost a husband. Maybe she’s forgotten I lost my brother!” She glared at Rhoda, tears flooding her eyes. “What are you going to say now, Rhoda? That his death is my fault?”
“No,” Rhoda said brokenly.
“No?” Camella said. “You’ve been sitting there for days, not saying a single word to me, just thinking and thinking of ways to blame me. Go ahead. Blame me.” She drew her shawl tightly around herself and turned her face away.
“I have been thinking. I’ve harbored ill will against you and slandered you. I’ve wronged you and I’ve been able to think of nothing else!” She blinked back tears, staring down at her tightly clasped hands.
Camella looked at her with distrust.
“I wasn’t angry with you as much as I’ve been angry with God. I thought he had abandoned me.” She raised her head again, stricken. “God gave you what I wanted most: a child! You came to us with a beautiful baby in your arms, and I cried out in my heart. Why did God bless you and not me? I thought I was deserving. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t deserving at all.”
She shook her head, filled with remorse. “All the while I thought I was serving God, I wasn’t.” Weaving her fingers together, she strove to go on. “When Prochorus died, I realized I’d even put my desire for a child ahead of him. I’ve done nothing but think about the past. I’ve done everything for the wrong reasons. All the good works people credit to me are nothing because I did them expecting God to repay me. I thought if I worked hard enough, God would have to give me what I wanted. The truth is I’ve never served the Lord at all. I was always serving myself.” Cheeks wet, she looked at Camella. “I’ve been unkind to you so many times, Cam. Please forgive me.”