Her chest tightened, and her anger melted away. The same barbarian who had assaulted her last night rocked his son with a tenderness that bespoke his love louder than any shouted proclamation. When Caleb was calm again, Atretes set him down on the sand once more and ran his hand gently over the dark baby-fine hair. Caleb flapped his arms happily.
Rizpah watched them through her tears. I asked, Lord, and you’ve answered.
Steeling herself, she went down the embankment. Her misgivings remained as to what Atretes’ manner might be, for last night was still a raw wound, leaving her cautious. A small cascade of rocks loosened beneath her sandaled feet. She saw Atretes stiffen and glance back. His expression tightened, then he turned back to Caleb, ignoring her. The tot gave a delighted squeal, flapping his arms. “Mama . . . mama . . . mama . . .”
She sat down on a rock and drew her shawl around her shoulders. The air was cool, or was it just her frame of mind? She watched her son grasp Atretes’ fingers and pull himself up again. He gave a squeal and tipped, almost pitching over. Atretes shifted his leg, supporting him. Caleb’s tiny fingers dug into the tanned skin of Atretes’ muscular thigh.
Disturbed by the German’s physical beauty, Rizpah lowered her gaze to her hands. Gathering her courage, she spoke before she let pride get in her way. “However much you want to protect your heart, it’s already too late, isn’t it, Atretes?” Feeling his cold silence, she looked at him, wondering if she had driven the thorn in deeper. She hadn’t meant to.
O Lord, give me words. Not my words that wound, but yours that heal.
She rose and came closer, but not so near she couldn’t retreat should Atretes decide to act the barbarian again. She wanted no misunderstandings as to her reasons for coming to him.
As though sensing her thoughts, Atretes cast her an impatient glance. “If you came to take him, take him.”
“You can’t make anything easy, can you?” She fired back, then fell silent, struggling within herself. She wanted to hit him and cry over him at the same time. By what right was he angry with her? He was the one who had caused the breach between them with his reprehensible behavior.
“He’s had to hone his anger to survive. . . .”
She was dismayed, remembering Theophilus’ words. She wanted to understand Atretes, to make him see how different life would be with the Lord. But how did you reach a man like him who had been chained, beaten, used, and betrayed? Could he be reached when he was so set against love?
O God, help me.
“We’re all like children, Atretes. We want to stand and walk all on our own. And just like Caleb, we have to cling to something in the effort to pull ourselves up out of the dirt.” She looked at him. Was he even listening? Did anything she say matter to him? “Sometimes we cling to the wrong things and go crashing down.”
She gave a soft, broken laugh. Closing her eyes, she lowered her head and sighed. “I was as hopeless as you. In many ways, I still am. I can’t take a single step without the Lord holding me up. Every time I let go, even for an instant, I fall flat on my face again. Like last night.”
Raising her head, she opened her eyes and found him staring at her. Her mouth went dry and her heart began to race wildly. What had she said to make him look at her like that? What was he thinking? Afraid of the possibilities, she plunged ahead despite the hard intensity of his stare, eager to finish and be gone from him.
“I’m sorry I said hurtful words to you last night.” His eyes narrowed and she wondered if he believed her. “I’m sorry,” she said again, from her heart. “I wish I could promise it won’t happen again. I can’t.” A hundred excuses for why she had said what she had flew unbidden into her mind, but she choked off every one of them for a single abiding purpose: to make amends and build a bridge between herself and the cold, silent man sitting before her. “Please, Atretes, don’t hold on to anger. It will end up destroying you.”
When he said nothing, she felt desolate. “That’s all I wanted to say.” She started to turn away.
Atretes stood.
Startled, she caught her breath and stepped back from him. It was an instinctive action, one of self-preservation, and it told him more clearly than any words ever could where he stood with her. Should he be surprised or hurt now by her distrust in the wake of his behavior last night?
Caleb started to crawl toward the stream. Atretes took one step and caught his son up under his arm again.
“You shouldn’t hold him like that.”
He ignored her motherly concern and cut to the issue between them. “You don’t have to be afraid of me. I won’t repeat what I did last night.”