“I know.”
“Excuse me?” He rakes his hand across his jaw, cocking his head.
“I’m not perfect. But neither are you. And ever since you set foot in our home, I’ve been nothing but confused.”
My words bring silence upon us for a moment.
“Confused? About what?” His voice cuts through the tension that separates us.
“I-I can’t say it.” Not because I don’t want to. I don’t know how to put it into words. He makes me feel the kinds of things I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. My entire life, I’ve kept my emotions in check. I’ve placed my opinions and beliefs in a tiny box in the corner of my mind and locked the lid. Jensen emptied out the contents of that box with a few dirty words and a half-smile.
“You can say it.”
I swallow the enormous lump in my throat. If I were a teenage boy, perhaps I’d use the word “horny,” but that’s not ever been a word in my spoken vocabulary.
How on earth do I tell my stepbrother that he turns me on?
“You’re afraid to say it.” His eyes glint in the dark.
I don’t argue with him because he’s right. I love the way I feel when I’m turned on. I love the furnace between my thighs and the tingles of anticipation.
The secrecy.
The control.
I love being in control of my own body. The guilt, the naughty feelings, the naughty intentions—they all swirl together to make a cocktail of mischievous delight. I’ve never felt anything like it in all my life, and I’ve never felt more alive than when my mind is flooded with penetrating thoughts that command my body with an intensity so severe I can’t think straight.
Debauchery is exhilarating.
I doubt Jensen would call it debauchery. He would say it’s normal. He’d say it’s human nature. Maybe it is where he’s from, but not here. Not under Mark Miller’s roof. It’s pure, unadulterated evil unless you’re wearing a wedding band and lying next to a man who’s been eternally sealed to you in a temple ceremony.
Never mind that we’re family.
“Let me ask you something.” Jensen rubs his temples. He’s growing frustrated with me. “Are you happy?”
“I’m not sure what that has to do with any of this.”
“Stop being so goddamn obstinate and answer me.”
My breath subsides, catching in my throat. It’s not like his question isn’t a million kinds of complicated. My left shoulder lifts. I rake my chin against it while I stare out the break in the curtains toward the streetlamp below. “All I want is to go to college. That would make me happy.”
“So go.”
I shake my head. “I’ve always been a good girl, Jensen. I do what my parents tell me to do. I get good grades. I’ve got a good moral compass.” I pick at a loose thread poking out from his bedspread. “I think my father suspects something.”
Jensen wrinkles his nose. “I doubt that.”
“I talked to him after dinner.” My shoulders fall. “He still doesn’t trust me to go away to school. Says I still need to prove myself.”
“You can do whatever the fuck you want. You’re an adult.”
“It’s not like that. Not in this family.”
“Have you not learned anything from me yet? You’re your own person. Touch yourself. Think dirty thoughts. Go away to college. The world is your oyster. Your father doesn’t want you to know that. He’s afraid of losing control over you, so he makes sure you’re terrified to think for yourself.” Jensen runs his fingers through his hair, tugging on the ends. I’ve never seen him so worked up. “I should know. Believe me when I tell you I speak from experience, and believe me when I tell you I’m only trying to help.”
I’m standing in the Garden of Eden and Jensen Mackey is the serpent. I’ve tasted the flesh of forbidden fruit, I’ve been gifted the knowledge, and now I want more.
“Jensen?” The way his name tastes in my mouth, naughty and delicious, gives me goose bumps, but maybe it’s because I know what I’m about to ask. My heart beats wildly. I’m doing this.
“Yeah?”
“Will you kiss me right now?” I know what kissing leads to. I know it might be hard to stop once we start. But I’m okay with it. It’s my choice. I want this. It’s just something I have to do.
He freezes. I freeze. I can’t believe I just asked him to kiss me. But I want his mouth on mine more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. Imagining the heat of his body mixing with mine, the weight of his penetrating gaze the moment before he claims me, the way his hardness would press against my core…