Jeez, Cady. Stop being so sappy.
“Hey,” I said as I walked up beside him, trying my best to portray nonchalance.
Bryan startled at my voice, but then broke out into a big toothy grin. “Hey.”
A boy trying to get into his locker nudged me over so my arm brushed up against Bryan’s. Bryan could have stepped over, putting space between us, but he didn’t. I’m not sure what it was about being near him, but those crazy mixed-up emotions faded, giving way to a relaxing calm.#p#分页标题#e#
“Are you all set to give it another go?” he asked.
I nodded. “I’m ready. I think.”
“Good.”
There was a slight rosiness to his cheeks which brightened up his pale complexion. Not a blemish on him. I pretended to bite my thumb nail in order to hide the zit which had poked out on my chin during the night.
“Well, I better get inside,” I said, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Bryan touched his hand to my shoulder for one brief moment and replied, “Yeah, I have to go, too. I just wanted to make sure you were all right. My phone’s on vibrate, so if you need anything, text me.” His hand patted the pocket where his cell phone snuggled against his heart.
As he strode away, I felt that strange tangle of emotions flood back. I clenched my jaw and entered the classroom just as the final bell rang.
I gave a hesitant smile to a few of those offering sympathetic looks as I walked to my seat. A feeling of deja vu came over me. Like the week before, my nerves felt like violin strings wound too tightly. I missed my name during roll call and the girl behind me had to poke me in the shoulder. My body temperature rose and I bit down on the end of my pen until my teeth left jagged marks.
Mr. Steele popped in a video on voting during the civil rights era and shut out the lights. I used the cover of darkness to get a hold of myself. Examining my emotions more closely, I realized that it wasn’t all nervousness I felt, but a whole tornado of feelings at once —some of which didn’t even make sense. There was frustration with my parents, anxiety over some big test which I wasn’t prepared for, the triumph of first love. None of these emotions felt like they belonged to me, yet there they were, taking up residence in my mind.
I squeezed my eyes shut. The air in the classroom was thick with invisible smoke which clawed at my throat. I wanted to jump out of my seat and leave, but I couldn’t risk another outburst like the previous week. Instead, I took some deep yoga breaths and tried to get a handle on myself.
When the video ended, Mr. Steele began asking questions to stimulate a discussion. I watched the final ten minutes tick off the clock and prayed he wouldn’t call on me. He didn’t. When the bell rang, I was out the door and halfway down the hall before most kids had a chance to gather up their books.
My next few classes were repeats of government. During third period gym, Coach Davis pulled me aside to talk about cross country. I hadn’t run in weeks, and honestly, I hadn’t given any thought to the meets I’d missed. Coach suggested that I withdraw for the rest of the season. I just nodded and wandered back to our dodgeball game. I knew I should be more upset about it. I loved running. But I couldn’t muster up the energy to care about things like after school sports.
By the time I entered the cafeteria and sought out my usual table with Bronwyn and Shawn, my belly was all knotted up and I was wiped out.
My friends looked at me strangely when I sat down.
“Not eating today?” Shawn asked.
I shook my head no. “Not hungry.”
Bronwyn’s eyes crinkled with concern. “How are you holding up?”
I gave a one-shoulder shrug. How could I explain the weird feelings I was having when I didn’t understand them myself? “Okay, I guess.”
Shawn popped open a can of Pepsi and sucked the foam off the top with a slurp.
“Are you feeling okay?” Bronwyn prodded with concern. “You look kind of pale.”
I waved my hand in the air like she was making a big deal out of nothing and plastered a fake grin on my lips which I hoped was passable. “I’m fine. Just feeling a bit out of the loop. Why don’t you fill me in on what’s been going on around here?”
Shawn took the hint before Bronwyn did and began to tell me about how he’d been cast as Sky Masterson in the fall musical, Guys and Dolls. I wasn’t surprised he’d gotten the lead. Shawn had a baritone singing voice that could cause the hair to rise on your arms, and he was a natural comedian on stage. I focused on his crazy story about something that had happened in rehearsal, and that quieted the flurry of emotions in my gut somewhat.
A throat cleared behind me and a light touch fell on my shoulder. I spun around to see Bryan holding his lunch tray. “Mind if I join you?” The uneasiness on his face looked as if he were expecting me to say no.