She licked icing off her fingers and shook her head.
“She took Maggie. I’m the first to admit I was crap for a father. I sulked, yelled, wandered off without a word sometimes, argued over anything, didn’t know beans about school lessons or homework, had no patience, drank too much whenever I got irritated and I got irritated pretty often. I had a tone of voice, I’m told, that would scare bears off. I treated my dogs better than my family and it made no sense because I loved my family. Well...well, the truth is, I didn’t love Phoebe all that much after the first few months. But then, she didn’t love me much, either. We were wrong for each other from the start. I brood while she fusses. She needles and I yell. Then I sat out here in the store and drank until she was asleep.
“But I loved Maggie and I wanted to do right by her. So I had to start my life over. I reckon you have some experience with that, eh?”
Sierra nodded and licked the sweet icing off her lips. “How’d you do it?”
“The hard way. I fished a lot, worked till I dropped, suffered in silence, forced myself to do things I had no use for like making a bed and washing clothes. It was one thing to keep up the grounds for the customers—even I wasn’t too stupid to know I needed money to eat. But taking care of myself? Cleaning my own surroundings? That took willpower. It was a pretty horrible process. But there were some things I had to do if I’d ever have my family back.” He rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. “I wasn’t too keen on having Phoebe back. Jesus, that woman’s the biggest pain in the ass. But I thought maybe if there was a God she’d get hit by a bus or something and Maggie would come back. I was bound to be ready if that happened. I tried to read.” He laughed at himself. “I was never gonna be as smart as Maggie or even that damn Phoebe but I was determined not to be a complete dunce.” He took a drink of his coffee. “I hung up the beer mug. No fanfare, no meetings, no bugles or drumroll. Just retired the mug.”
She swallowed. “Are you a friend of Bill W.’s?”
“How’s that?” Sully asked.
“Are you an alcoholic?”
“Hell if I know,” he said. “It probably depends on who you ask. I didn’t have a thing to drink for years, then I had a beer on a hot day and old Frank, he said I was a damn fool to even think about it. When I was a younger man I drank too much now and then...more than now and then. I was certainly headed for trouble. It was only a matter of time and I knew it. Nowadays I have limits. What I learned—what I wanted to tell you about—I learned I didn’t have to go through all the agony I went through, and I’m not talking about liquor.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked. What she wanted to ask was, “What does this have to do with me?”
“I didn’t have to do it all alone,” he said. “No matter who reached out to me, offered a hand, pulled up a chair to talk a spell, I froze ’em out and went my own way. It was every bit as terrible as I hoped it would be. I wanted to suffer, I guess.”
“But you and Maggie are together now...”
“It took a few years before I was in good enough shape to see her, to take care of her. She’s still pissed about that, by the way.” Then he laughed. “She’s a pistol. I guess she comes by it naturally. According to Maggie I didn’t fight for her. What she’d want with a father like me, I have no idea. But by the time Phoebe let her come to visit I’d laid most of my ghosts to rest.”
“How?” she wanted to know. “If you didn’t go to rehab or meetings or counseling or—”
“Did I say I never went to meetings or counseling?” Sully asked. “Maybe not the same ones you go to. There’s a group of Vietnam vets that look out for each other. That’s where I first met Frank and I ain’t got shed of him since! We try to do some nice things for the community, keep an eye out for our brothers. When I found out I was part of a group, things got better. Easier. Just so you know, little girl, you’re part of a group. You got people here.”
Sierra felt that raw scrape in her throat again and took another drink of her coffee to soothe it.
“And another thing—you got the land,” Sully said. “Now I’ll be the first to admit, I tend to take it for granted, but you get out there on the trail a little bit and you pray to whatever entity you want, whatever great being made these mountains and forests and I’m not kidding, answers come. I didn’t just make it up. All these lunatics that march through here all summer while they’re taking on as much of the CDT as they can manage will tell you the same. Your brother did that, didn’t he.” It wasn’t a question. “He got out on the trail and had a little nature, then he was square. His head wasn’t a corkscrew anymore.”