"Yeah, and highly visible. Good luck slipping away unnoticed in a stolen a Ferrari," he said.
"True. Although some people might think a joy ride was worth it."
"Keep those kinds of ideas to yourself, Sullivan," he said, and she laughed as she got into the car.
He headed home and was crossing Victoria Street, heading north, when his phone rang. He hit the button to take the call via the car's Bluetooth system.
"Hey. What are you up to?" It was Raf, his familiar voice filling the car.
"Just leaving the city," Eddie said.
"You want to come over for dinner? Raf and I feel like cooking," Maggie said.
The sound was a little echo-y, and Eddie guessed his brother had his phone on speaker so he and Maggie could both hear the conversation.
He glanced at Blue. Even though he knew it was a long shot, he'd hoped that he might be able to cajole her into having dinner with him.
"I'm going to ask Blue, too. Do you know if she's doing anything?" Maggie added before he could respond.
"You can ask her yourself," he said, glancing at Blue.
"Hey, Maggs," Blue said.
He couldn't see her expression fully thanks to her sunglasses, but he had the distinct impression she wasn't thrilled that he'd revealed they were spending the day together.
"Oh, perfect. Two birds, one stone," Maggie said brightly. "So, what do you guys say? Dinner at seven?"
"I've got something else on, sorry," Blue said. She glanced at him. "But you should go, Eddie."
He tried not to show how disappointed he was. In his heart, he'd known she was going to say no, for the same reason she would probably have said no if he'd asked her to have dinner with just him - because she'd already stayed the night and spent the day with him, and spending the evening with him as well would be too much like a real relationship.
The kind where being together was about love and liking as well as off-the-charts-good sex. The kind that wasn't bounded on all sides by a set of dumb-ass fucking rules.
"Are you sure you can't come?" Maggie cajoled. "We're making salty-caramel puddings."
"Wow, that does sound great. But I don't think I can get out of my other thing," Blue said.
He stopped at a traffic light, hands white-knuckle tight on the wheel as he listened to her lie.
Why couldn't she just accept that they were good together? Why couldn't she trust him, and let him love and care for her the way he wanted to?
"Okay. Do we still get to have you, Eddie?" Maggie asked.
"I'll be there," he said.
"Fantastic. We'll see you at seven, then," Maggie said.
Maggie ended the call as he accelerated away from the lights.
"That salted caramel pudding sounds pretty good," Blue said.
"Yeah, it does," he said flatly.
She slanted a look at him but didn't say anything.
He stewed for a few minutes before speaking again.
"Do you really have something on? Or was that just an excuse not to go?"
Blue was silent for a long beat. "Does it matter?"
"Yeah. I think it does," he said.
His street was up ahead and he slowed for the turn.
"There's no point pretending this is anything other than what it is," Blue said.
"I agree whole-heartedly." The words were out his mouth before he could stop them, driven by weeks of frustration and self-editing, fueled by the knowledge that they'd just had a great day that was about to end in yet another retreat from Blue. "In fact, I couldn't agree more. So maybe we should both stop pretending and sort this out once and for all."
Chapter Twenty-Two
"What you mean?" Blue said warily, trying to understand how the afternoon could have turned so quickly. One minute they had been happy and relaxed, the next the car was crackling with tension.
Eddie pulled over to the curb, parking behind her sports wagon. He took a moment to gather his thoughts, and nerves twisted in her belly. Finally, he turned to face her.
"I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I'm sick of waking in an empty bed, Blue. I hate sneaking around at work. I hate that every time I take your hand, I wait for you to pull away. I don't want to live like this anymore."
His words seemed very loud in the small space. She stared at him, aware that there were things she needed to say and do now, but not quite able to remember what they were. Which was crazy, because it wasn't as though she hadn't known this was coming. From the moment they'd agreed to be lovers she'd known the writing was on the wall.
It was over.
It had been a beautiful, terrifying ride, but it was over. And - honestly - there was a part of her that was almost glad, because at least this way it was done. She'd had all the pleasure, all the happiness, all the joy, and now it had run its course and all that was left was for her to deal with the pain and the hurt.
She knew how to do that. She was good at that.
She could stop waiting for the hammer to fall now and simply deal with the aftermath.
God, it was almost a relief.
"Okay," she said slowly, nodding. "We always agreed it would be over when it got weird or difficult, right?"
Her voice sounded so normal. So composed.
"I don't want it to be over. That's not what I'm saying."
She stared at him, confused. "Then … what do you want?"
"I want you. That's all. No rules, no bullshit. Just you and me. Together."
Suddenly the car was too close, too small. She twisted in her seat, her hands fumbling at the door handle until she got a grip and yanked it open.
"Blue -"
She slammed the door shut, cutting him off, and started walking toward her car, digging in her pocket for her keys.
"Where are you going?" Eddie called after her.
"I should never have stayed the night."
And she should never have slept with him during the week, or gone with him today, or -
Suddenly he was in front of her, blocking her path.
"You can't keep running away from this."
"We had a deal." Her voice broke on the final word and she tried again. "We had a deal. You agreed. Our friendship is more important than sex."
"This isn't about sex. This is about the fact that I love you and I want to be with you."
"This is exactly why I wanted the rules," she said, her voice sharp with panic now. "For exactly this reason."
He reached out and caught her arms, forcing her to look into his eyes.
"I'm in love with you, Blue Sullivan. I know that scares the crap out of you, but you're going to have to learn to deal with it, because it's not changing any time soon."
"I'm not scared of you," she said, her chin coming up. A reflexive response that came from a place deep inside her, a place that always came out fighting in response to a challenge. "That's not what this is."
"What is it, then?"
"Do you know how many women I've seen you do this to, Eddie? Dozens."
"I have never done this with another woman. Ever. But I'm willing to acknowledge that I have a past. So do you."
"Not like yours. I don't charm people into loving me and then abandon them."
"That's right - you don't even let them get close enough to get attached."
"Because I don't want that."
"Sweetheart, you want that more than anyone I know."
She stared at him, stunned by what was coming out of his mouth.
"You don't know a thing about me if you can say that."
"Don't I?" Eddie took a step closer, his whole body tense, his face set. "I know that you work hard to control your world because it makes you feel safe. I know that you would rather cut off a limb than admit that you're scared or lonely or sad. And I know that you lost everything you loved when you were six years old, and that you have spent the past twenty-four years of your life making sure that will never happen again." He paused to catch his breath, and she saw that his eyes were shiny with emotion. "I have loved you for ten years, Blue, but I never thought I was even close to being worthy of you. I'm still not, but I want to try. I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to be the one who holds you when your sad. I want to love you, with everything I've got, instead of just the parts of me that you'll allow. I want in, baby. All the way."
Blue shook her head and took a step back, pulling her arms free. Away from Eddie, away from the things he was saying and the way they made her feel.
"And what happens when it's over?" she said, because he hadn't covered that in his pretty little speech.
"That's not going to happen."
"You don't know that." It was only when his eyes widened that she realized she'd yelled the words at him. "You don't know that, Eddie. You don't know that your feelings aren't going to change or that you're not going to walk out onto the street and get hit by a bus or that all the things you like about me won't drive you crazy in ten years' time."
"You're right, I don't know any of those things, but I do know what it feels like to watch the woman I love get hit by a speeding motorbike and I'm here to tell you that life is too fucking short to stand on the sidelines, waiting for a sure thing that is never going to happen. I love you, Blue. I want to wake up with you in my bed every morning. I want to fight with you over who is more awesome at Call of Duty. I want to make love to you until we both can't stand or breathe or move, and when we recover, I want to do it all over again. I want you, Blue. I want us."