I knew my feelings weren’t going to magically disappear, but this was ridiculous.
A rush of memories flooded me. How he’d leaned in close, a hand on my shoulder as his lips grazed mine. Heat had spread through my body. I could feel his lips again now. His hand on my shoulder, pressing lightly there before sliding down my arm and curving around my waist. My chest had pressed to his as his mouth opened over mine, demanding more. I gave it to him. Lifting my arms to twine around his neck, my heart had stampeded against my chest. I would’ve given him anything.
I did give him anything. I gave him me that night.
My phone buzzed again, breaking through the spell. A cold dose of reality poured over me as I read the next words: We should talk about Maggie.
Yes. We should. I groaned internally. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I typed back, already knowing I’d push off the ice cream social thing because I was a weak dumbass when it came to Kevin. When and where?
I didn’t have to wait long. His text buzzed right back: Now? We can meet at Brown Building. Front steps.
This was all sorts of wrong. Why didn’t he just come to my dorm? He could see my room, maybe help me meet anyone who didn’t go to get ice cream? I could have pressed the issue, but I didn’t. Instead of joining the crowd gathering outside Avery’s room, I bypassed them and went down the stairs.
Outside I walked toward the area where I thought Brown Building was located. I’d registered for classes the day before and gotten my books at the bookstore, but I’d only wandered around campus a few times. I knew it was broken up into three large quad sections with the student center/cafeteria in the middle of it all. One of my classes was in Brown Building, so I needed to find where it was anyway. After cutting through the student center—and walking right past the ice cream shop—I pushed open the doors leading to the last quad area. I hadn’t explored that section yet, so I was surprised to find that it was quiet. And dark. There were more lights posted in the other parts of campus. I felt like I’d stepped into a closed sanctuary.
Two sidewalks led from the student center, breaking into separate directions. Trees blocked my view, but based on where I remembered seeing Brown on the map, I headed right. Brown was the third building down, and the sidewalk circled around the building, taking me past a side door.
Kevin wasn’t at the side door.
I stayed on the sidewalk and continued around the building, finding a large set of stone steps leading up to another door. They overlooked a small pond, and I went to sit down. I could see why Kevin chose this spot. It was private, and with the pond and its fountain, it was almost tranquil. I didn’t even feel like I was on a college campus, or that a bunch of freshmen were a few buildings away.
“Hey.”
I looked up. A dark silhouette came around from the opposite way. Kevin had his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward.
“Hey,” I said back.
He moved closer, stepping into the single light positioned above me. A dagger sliced my heart. I could see the apology on his face, and I gritted my teeth. I didn’t want to hear it. He’d hurt me, yes, but I didn’t need him to pour salt on the wound.
I had a feeling I had no say over that.
“Look,” he started. He didn’t come any closer. He cleared his throat. “Uh…so this is weird.”
Maybe it was because I saw him with Maggie, or because I found out minutes later she had a boyfriend, or because he never checked on me after I lied for him. Or maybe it was because I hadn’t seen him at all since our ridiculous family dinner, but whatever the reason, as I waited for him to continue, the image I had of him in high school was stripped away.
That made me feel cold and vulnerable, like he was a stranger.
I could remember every time we’d talked during that year we lived together, but I couldn’t remember a joke, a hug, or anything affectionate. It was always me gazing at him, and feeling close, feeling warm because of my own daydreams.
That’d been it. He’d been present, but he’d been quiet unless with a girlfriend. He would laugh then, and I’d always heard that as a sound of relief—like he could only relax if a girl was with him.
Why had I cared so much then? What was I missing? I didn’t think I was completely delusional…or was I?
Kevin started to say something, but I interrupted. “Was I a mistake?”
“What?” He’d lifted a hand to scratch behind his ear. A dumbstruck look came over him, and his hand moved slowly back to his side. “What?”
“Me. That night we were together. I was a mistake.” My chest burned. “Wasn’t I?”