“What started the fight?” Why was I standing here? Caden was more pressing.
“I emailed him and then told her what I did. She flipped out.”
I forced something out that sounded interested. “Really?”
Caden had blown up my world. I had to concentrate on what Kevin was saying.
“I don’t know what all happened with them.” He sighed. “I think she’s afraid he’ll tell me, and I’ll get mad at her. Families hide the biggest shit. I think my family is somewhat normal. You’re the one not normal.”
“Huh?”
He snorted, his grin upping a notch. “You had a family that loved each other. Your parents were happy, weren’t they?”
My parents? My mom… I felt a knife of pain burrowing inside of me, making its place again. I thought it was gone. I hadn’t felt it in weeks. It had been gone. Why was it back? I glanced down to my chest, as if I could see it.
“Yeah.” There’d been fights, just not that many.
“If your mom was still alive, your parents would still be together, probably.”
“Yeah.” I echoed. “Probably.”
My mom…
The hole suddenly doubled in size.
“If your mom was still alive.”
“Sorry.” He grimaced, shaking his head. “You get sad whenever your mom is mentioned.”
I gripped the ends of my shirt. “I see.” My voice was hoarse. A boulder sat on the top of my throat, blocking my airway.
That fucking hole. I began itching there, right next to my heart.
“Aw, shit.” He moved around in his seat again to face me. Leaning forward, his elbows rested on his knees. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Then why did you?”
He clapped his hands together, and the side of his mouth crinkled in. His eyes found me—those chocolate brown ones I always used to wish would look at me the way they were right now.
“My mom and dad hated each other most my life. I knew they were going to get a divorce, and I wanted it. The fighting would stop then, you know? But if I had my ultimate dream, they would’ve been like your parents. Love, happiness, normal amount of fights. That type of bullshit. I wish I had it.”
“I’m sorry?”
Kevin laughed, straightening in his chair. “Don’t worry about it. This is a Matthews thing. It’s not your problem. My mom shouldn’t have involved you.” He grew thoughtful, and the side of his mouth lifted. His right dimple showed, blinking at me. “Plus, you were probably busy with Caden, right?”
Was he kidding, or was that genuine? I wasn’t following at all. He ripped that hole back open. I frowned, remembering when the gnawing pain had first appeared. It had been before him. Before I met Sheila. Even before my mom died.
My mom. That hole was my mom.
Kevin stared, not saying a word. I felt like he was deciding what to say, and right then, the air shifted. An intimate vibe filled the room. It made my insides clench, and my stomach started to churn.
I was in pain.
I felt like my organs were being crumpled into tiny pieces. Someone’s hand was in there yanking them out and crushing them before dropping them on the floor.
He murmured, almost too softly for me to hear, “What if I told you I was jealous of Caden? Would that be a problem?”
I didn’t respond, but his words were in me, and they were bouncing around. They mingled with Caden’s parting words. “That was before I fell in love with you.”
I wasn’t hearing Kevin anymore. I could only hear Caden’s voice, and feel that hole. I felt my mom. She was everywhere. She was nowhere. She was inside me, beside me. She was being buried. The alarm that sounded when her heart flatlined was deafening.
My mom was gone, and I’d never dealt with it.
I’d pushed it off for so long. I’d pushed her off, and now she was back. That hole was gaping wide, oozing, and she was overwhelming me. I couldn’t see. Tears began to fall, and I stepped backward. “I’m going to leave.”
“No.” Kevin got to his feet. His arm shot out, like he was going to grab me, but his hand just hung there. “Don’t go. I’m sorry if I pushed. I shouldn’t have.”
I edged backward. “I don’t like this.”
“Don’t go. Please, Summer.”
I shook my head, pulling my shirtsleeves over my hands. I clenched them tightly, straining my shirt over my shoulders and chest. “Stop it,” I shook my head, seeing her next to me. In front of me. Her eyes were too knowing, but too damning at the same time. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Summer.”
I kept edging away until I was at the door. Kevin reached for me. His mouth moved, but it wasn’t him I heard. It was my mom.