Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, Book 14. Danse Macabre(62)
«I think it would have been,» he said.
«Richard, I don't think you see me. I don't think you see who I am.»
«How can you say that to me? If I don't shield I share your dreams, and your nightmares.»
«But you're still trying to shove me in a box that I don't think fit me even when we met. Just like you're trying to shove yourself into a box that doesn't fit you, either.»
He was shaking his head. «That's not true. That's not true.»
«Which part?» I asked.
«I think we could have made it, our version of the white picket fence, without him,» and he pointed at Jean-Claude.
Jean-Claude was giving his most peaceful, empty face, as if he were afraid to do or say anything.
«Don't try to blame all our problems on Jean-Claude.»
«Why not, it's true. If he had left us alone, not marked us.»
«You'd be dead,» I said.
He frowned at me. «What?»
«Without the extra power of the marks with Jean-Claude you'd never have had the power to kill Marcus and keep the pack.»
«That's not true.»
I just stared at him. «Yeah, Richard, I was there, it is true. You'd be dead, and I'd still be living alone sleeping with my stuffed toys and guns. You'd be dead and I'd be dead inside, dying of loneliness, not just because you would be gone, but because my life was empty before. I was like a lot of people who do police work. I was my job. I had nothing else. My life was full of death, and horror, and trying to stay ahead of the next horror. But I was losing the battle, Richard, losing myself, long before Jean-Claude marked me.»
«I asked you to give up the police work. I told you it was eating you up.»
I shook my head. «You're not listening to me, Richard, or you're not hearing me.»
«Maybe I don't want to hear you. Or maybe I'm right, and you're not listening.»
We stood barely two feet apart, but it might as well have been a thousand miles. Some distances are made out of things bigger and harder to travel across than mere miles. We stood and stared at each other across a chasm of misunderstanding, and pain, and love.
I tried one last time. «Say you're right. Say if Jean-Claude had left us alone you could have your perfect picture. I still wouldn't have given up the police work.»
«You just said, it was destroying you.»
I nodded. «Just because something's hard doesn't mean you give up on it.» Somehow I thought I was talking about more than just police work.
«You said I was right.»
«I said, say you're right. Let's just pretend that without Jean-Claude here, we would have found a way. But we are bound to him, Richard. We are a triumvirate of power. What we would change if life were totally different doesn't really matter.»
«How can you say that?»
«What matters, Richard, is that we deal with the reality of our now, this minute. There are things we can't undo, and we all have to work together to make the best of what's true in our lives.»
His face was cold with his anger. I hated his face like this, because it was both frightening and more beautiful, as if the anger cleaned away something that distracted the eye from realizing just how amazingly handsome he was. «And what is true in our lives?» His power began to flow through the room, hot water, hotter than you'd want in the bath. The guards around the room shifted uneasily.
«I am Jean-Claude's human servant. You are his animal to call. We are a triumvirate of power. We can't change that. Jean-Claude and I both carry the ardeur. We both need to feed the hunger, and that's not going to change.»
«I thought you were hoping to be able to feed from a distance at the clubs, the way Jean-Claude did under Nikolaos.»
«It crippled his power, which is what the ex-Master of the City wanted to do. I'm not going to cripple us magically because I'm squeamish. No more hiding, Richard. The ardeur is here to stay, and I need to feed it.»
He shook his head. «No.»
«No, what?»
He let down his shields. I don't know if it was on purpose, or his emotions got the better of him. Whatever the cause I suddenly heard his thoughts like clear bells in my head: he thought that once I got the ardeur under control I'd dump Micah and Nathaniel and live with him. Be with him. He still hoped, seriously, that some day we'd be a nice little monogamous pair.
It took only seconds for me to get all of it, but his shields coming down had brought mine down, too, and he felt my shock. My disbelief that he still thought, seriously, that that would ever happen.
I felt the next thought forming, and tried to stop it, tried to keep it half-formed, or to shut him out, but the emotions were too raw, and I wasn't fast enough. The thought was, Even if I am pregnant, it would never work.