Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, Book 14. Danse Macabre(180)
«If this is true about Micah and me, then…»
«Oui, ma petite, the same would be true of Nathaniel.»
«No, it was different, very different with both of them.»
«But they are very different men. One heart's desire is not the same as another's.»
«I resisted Nathaniel for months before we had sex.»
«Oui, but it was not sex that Nathaniel wanted, not truly; he wanted to be loved and valued for himself, not just for his body. By denying him sex, but loving him, you gave him what he wanted most.»
I felt like I was choking. I couldn't breathe. My back hit the wall. I leaned against it, trying to think, and failing.
«The only two men in my life that I haven't seen all the way through are you and Richard.»
Jean-Claude nodded. «I knew how to keep you out, and Richard was strong enough, and conflicted enough, not to know his own heart's desire.»
«But everyone else,» I stared at him. «Asher, Damian, maybe even Jason, hell, I don't know.»
Requiem spoke then. «I think that your ardeur holds not just lust, Anita, but love, as Belle's ardeur did. As my Ligeia's ardeur did.»
«I've been inside Belle's head. She wouldn't know real love if it bit her on the ass.»
He gave a small smile, as if I'd amused him. «She knows the ardeur as a warrior knows his weapon. She knows the art of causing love and devotion, even addiction, in others, without suffering it herself.»
«Are you saying I'm doing it wrong?»
He seemed to think about it, then nodded.
«How do you know?» I asked.
«There was a moment when you looked deep into me. I felt you see all the way down into my soul, Anita. I felt you caress the deepest pain I own. Belle Morte would have coaxed that pain to life and used it to torment me. You were going to try to heal it.»
«I was supposed to heal you, right?»
«Physically, ma petite, not emotionally.» He touched my face, staring at me, as if he were trying to read something from my face. «And certainly not his deepest hurt.» He let his hand drop away, but continued to study my face.
«I don't know how to do anything halfway, Jean-Claude. It's all or nothing for me, you should know that by now.»
He nodded and looked unhappy. «You are quite right, ma petite. I am your master and this is all my fault. I should have seen it.»
«Seen what, exactly?»
«You have been obsessed with learning to control the feedings, ma petite. It has made me obsess with you, but there are other things to learn about controlling it. Things I have neglected to teach you.»
«You could not have taught her control of this, not when the ardeur was fresh, Jean-Claude,» Requiem said. «I was with Ligeia from the moment she gained the power. The first few months are a wild thing. I thought she would go mad with it.» He gripped Jean-Claude's shoulder. «My understanding is the ardeur rose for the first time with Micah. There was no controlling it.» He looked at me, and at Micah. «It has actually worked out extremely well for all concerned.»
I turned and looked at Micah, and Nathaniel. «I trapped you both. I rolled you.»
They exchanged a look, then both looked back at me. «We love you,» Micah said.
Nathaniel moved in, as if he'd hug me. I moved farther down the wall, out of reach. «But it's all vampire powers. It's a lie — doesn't that ruin it for you? I trapped you. I trapped you both; it's worse than what Auggie did to us. It's not fake, it's like real love. I made you both fall in love with me, that's like evil.»
«If you made us fall in love with you, but didn't love us back, maybe it would be evil,» Micah said, «but you do love us back.»
«But it's a lie, Micah. It's all a lie.»
He gave me a look, that look that said I was being silly. But I wasn't being silly, was I? «I've been in love before, Anita, remember.»
«Becky, your high school sweetheart, college fiancée,» I said.
He nodded. «That was real, Anita. She was the love of my life, and if she hadn't dumped me, I wouldn't have known that love could get any better than that.»
Becky had dumped him when he survived the attack that made him a wereleopard. She just couldn't handle his being furry once a month. Of course, she'd had other problems with him before that. What I thought was a huge bonus, she'd thought was a huge downside.
Micah stepped toward me.
I slid along the wall, my hand out. I didn't want him to touch me, not right then. Mainly because if he did, I'd lose this fight. I'd always wondered at how my body reacted to him. No one had that effect on me, not to that degree. Now I knew it was vampire mind tricks, but I was the vampire who had done it. Fuck.