"Wrong answer. You're supposed to say, 'Lucas, I'm disappointed you only got me a lousy massage,'" he says in a falsetto voice. "Just so I can say, 'Actually, you can get whatever you want at the spa.'"
I feign irritation, but it's impossible when he's looking at me totally unrepentant. "I think you're the one keeping a list. 'Don't ever let Ava hear the end of it.'"
"I'd never. You said you wanted to be treated like a queen, and you're right." The light humor slips from his face. "Bennie told me you don't care about stuff like this-"
"I don't."
"-but you must've at least dreamed of it at some point if you were buying lottery tickets."
Oh my god, how could Bennie talk about that? Argh! It was a stupid thing I did when I was younger. I don't want to think about it ever again.
"I'm not judging," Lucas adds. "The odds are horrific, but people buy them to dream." He gives me a crooked grin. "Guess you were sick of PB and J sandwiches."
He is giving me a perfect deflection. I should seize it and nod and laugh and pretend I was a silly, fanciful child.
But I can't.
Lucas has allowed himself to be vulnerable with me, and I want our second chance to work. I'm already hiding a huge secret, and I don't want to lie to him about more things.
Sighing, I put down my chopsticks and reach for another small serving of sake. "I was young and stupid and didn't listen to my mother, who told me I would've been better off spending that money on snacks or something more immediately practical. I did stop eventually. I've learned my lesson."
"Ava … " Lucas pulls back, his concerned gaze on my face.
Damn. I sounded too bitter. I didn't mean to. I merely blame myself for not realizing what was going on sooner.
"When I asked my mom to get them for me, I had no idea what they were really for. I just knew if I won, Dad wouldn't have to work so much."
Lucas is quiet, but eerily still. His full attention is on me, like a lion looking into tall, waving grass.
"But the fact is, even if I'd won, Dad wouldn't have spent my birthday with me. Or Thanksgiving or Christmas or … "
I pause, trying to control my roughening breathing. I've never told anybody about this. People who know know because they either saw the whole thing blow up in person or heard from those who did. It's the ugliest chapter of my life.
I could stop now, and that would be that. I don't think Lucas would probe, but I don't want to stop, and it's beyond merely trying to be more open about myself with him. Do I want Lucas to become disgusted and leave me alone before he breaks my heart again? Is this a final attempt at testing him? I don't know, but I can't keep it inside anymore. "He would've found another reason for being away."
The lines of Lucas's face grow hard and unyielding. "Was he having an affair? Had a child he had to provide for or something?"
I flinch. Lucas is so close. If it didn't hurt so much, it would almost be funny how quickly he's put it together. My past isn't that unique-just a damn cliché. Suddenly I can't talk about it anymore-my childhood self as a laughable heroine in a tragic farce. "Forget it. It's a pointless story, and it doesn't matter anymore."
"Yes, it does, not if you can't laugh about it." He links his fingers with mine over the table. "Can you?"
I shake my head and toss the sake back. "He was a cheater, but not the way you think. He was a married man having an affair with my mom, but neither she nor I knew. She thought the reason why he didn't want to get married was because I was a girl and he didn't want to jeopardize the benefits we were getting. Their combined income would've been too much to qualify for stuff. But if they weren't married, he could use his friend's apartment as his 'mailing address' and we could collect EBT and whatever else my mom qualified for."
Lucas's hold on me tightens. "I'm sorry."
"We found out only because there was an accident while he was driving with Mom. Miraculously, Mom was fine, but Dad didn't make it. I can't describe how it was then … I was … " I close my eyes for a moment, seeing the entire scene play in my head like a movie. "I was devastated, and so was Mom. But it was nothing compared to how we felt when his family showed up-a wife and a daughter. Sondra and Elle." I pick up a piece of fish, but discover I can't eat it. "They weren't anything like us-well-fed … well-dressed … well-groomed … "
The old humiliation burns through me. They wore designer clothes and expensive perfume that wafted from bodies toned from regular gym visits. Sondra's hands were soft and well-cared for-the total opposite of my mom's.