I groaned, irritated with myself, as I realized I had started to obsess again. Thinking about possibilities and wondering what Chase might consider to be our next step when there should be none was not acceptable.
Ignoring his question, my fingers flew over the touchscreen. He had a job to do, and that was all we’d ever focus on. In no way would I ever repeat the mistake of overanalyzing his words again.
Compile a list per email of all the things we should know about each other.
Laurie
One minute later, my phone beeped again.
Consider it done. Can’t wait to see yours first. ;)
In spite of my clear resolutions, I found myself smiling. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he was flirting. Thank God I had no time to follow my disturbing train of thought, because footsteps sounded in the hall. I pushed my phone back into my handbag just as Jude appeared in the doorway.
“Ready?” She beamed at me. On the way out, she made a big fuss of not taking her handbag with her, but I caught her squeezing several bills into her jeans pocket when she thought I wasn’t looking.
Chapter 7
Three drinks later, followed by the beginning of a pounding headache, and we were back in our apartment. Or, more precisely, I was back, because a guy had chatted up Jude, and I used the excuse to drive back home alone, leaving her at the bar for a little longer so she could enjoy herself. For the past half hour, I had been staring at the couple of lines on the computer screen, unsure what to put down on virtual paper. As it turned out, Chase had sent another message in which he insisted that I compile a list for him with all the things I thought he should know about me, like favorite food and the brand of toothpaste I used.
Things I liked to do in my spare time.
Hopes and dreams for the future.
Things so mundane, they should have posed no trouble at all. Only, after the first two questions, my mind had bottled up, unwilling to reveal so much as the usual time I woke up in the morning.
In spite of the chilly air coming from the air conditioning, a thin layer of sweat covered my back.
Tell the truth, Hanson.
Fess up to the fact that you’re alone, defeated, desperate, and ready to crawl back into the dangerous cocoon that was life at home. But remember that with sacrifice comes victory. And with victory comes freedom from all the bonds.
Freedom I needed and longed for.
I had bottled everything up for so long, I didn’t know how to be free. All those secrets I was carrying with me, never able to share them with anyone, had begun to hurt me to the core. My soul had been trapped in pain and the knowledge of having seen the kind of things I should never have seen. If I revealed to Chase only a fraction of the real me—enough for him to get to know me without being freaked out—then I could win.
And I had to win. Not next year, nor years after today. It had to be this month—before I turned twenty-three. I was going to win even if it meant cutting my heart open so Chase could see inside me.
The real me.
Better a stranger than the people I had once trusted, people who had turned out to be more different than I had ever imagined.
I set my chin and began to type, giving Chase all the basic information he needed, leaving out the most important facts, such as why I had to do what I had to do. Once I was finished, I sent off the list, happy with the fact that I was doing something. Finally making the difference I had always wished for but never had the guts to pursue. Soon my struggles would be over.
Finally, only one thing remained. I picked up my cell phone, my fingers hovering over the contact list and the one name I usually avoided calling like the plague. But today I had no choice. He had to be notified about my engagement. My finger swiped the screen and pressed the call button, and the line began to ring. Eventually, the one person who was responsible for most of the pain and pretense I had to go through picked up: my stepfather, Clint.
***
I kept the call as short as possible and my news to a bare minimum. Once I was done, I sent off the email before I could change my mind, then went through the classified ads advertising jobs one more time…without much success. With rejection emails cluttering my inbox, I was slowly beginning to think I was jinxed.
In the end, I gave up for the day and shut down my computer, ready to focus on the one thing I had been dreading all along: preparing myself for the event I had avoided for more than three years.
Three years during which I had kept running in the hope I might finally break free, only to find out I had no choice but to return and face the stuff of my nightmares.
Chapter 8
It had been a few days of hard preparations and panic attacks induced by the fear choking me. Eventually, the inevitable arrived.