But I didn’t listen. I was so very stupid.
“What happened to the baby?” Elliot asks.
“I miscarried,” I whisper. But there’s always a part of me that will forever wonder if the miscarriage happened, in part, anyway, because I didn’t want the child. I wanted to expel it from my body with the force of my will—and more—because no doctor would get rid of it without informing my parents first.
“Jesus.”
I pry my arms from his grip and step away. “Does it bother you that I’m damaged like that? I’m not just some fun, carefree stripper who likes sex for money.”
“Shut up,” he says roughly. “Not a single unkind word about yourself or I’ll put you over my knee.”
“Why would you care?”
“What the hell does that mean? Of course I care!” He drags his hands through his hair. “What happened to you is wrong!”
“I’m just one in four. Not that unusual. I looked up the stats.”
He spins around, then rushes toward me. His face is in mine. “So that justifies what happened to you?” He flings his arm. “Fucking numbers? They justify nothing.”
Suddenly I’m tired. I don’t even know why I’m expending emotional energy on him. “You’re right. They don’t. Let’s just stop. There’s no reason for you to be so upset.”
“How can you just dismiss it like…that? What’s the matter with you?”
I laugh. It is an ugly sound, but I can’t help it. It kills me that he wants to know what’s wrong with me. Doesn’t he know? “How can you ask me that? You’re the one who insisted that I’m not good enough.”
He recoils as though struck. “What are you talking about? I’ve never said anything like that.”
“You won’t even call me by my name. To you, I’m a substitute for Gigi, not a person. Not a woman named Annabelle Key. But because I need money and you have plenty to spare, you get to make me into whatever you want.” He pales, but I don’t stop. The dam that used to contain my bitterness has been breached, I couldn’t control the torrent even if I wanted to. “You’re just like that boy who took me when I was unconscious. To him I wasn’t a person either. Just some orifice where he could stick his dick for his pleasure.”
A tremor racks him. His hands clench so tightly, his knuckles turn white.
My mouth keeps going. “Don’t worry. I signed the contract. So I’ll honor it. I won’t be like my father who cheated and lied.”
Our rough breathing fills the room. It takes a while before Elliot finally blinks.
The muscles in his jaw bunch, and his Adam’s apple twitches. “If you think that way, why did you even agree to the deal?” His lips barely move as he speaks.
“Money. What else? That’s all you offered, isn’t it?”
Except for the two red blotches on his cheeks, he’s even paler now, but it’s not the pallor of the sick. It’s the pallor of someone at a precipice and debating whether he should just let loose or rein it in.
I continue, “I need it so I can have the kind of life I want for myself, so I can provide for my sister. I’m sick of not being in control because I have nothing.”
His knuckles are bone white. “You are wrong,” he says. “You already had something, but you just didn’t know it because you thought you were damaged and unworthy somehow.”
“Don’t talk like you know me.”
“Don’t I? You’ve sacrificed everything for your sister. You won’t touch a drop of alcohol. You sold yourself for money because that’s all you put any value on. Without the million bucks I threw in your face, you would’ve never slept with me because you’d never enjoyed sex before.”
Each observation pierces me like a lance, leaving me bleeding. I curl my hands. “Isn’t it great? We decorate our relationship so prettily, but ultimately you’re my john and I’m your whore.”
He closes the distance between us in a step that’s almost a leap. His hands wrap around my upper arms, and he shakes me until my teeth rattle. “If you ever say that about yourself again, I swear to god—”
“You’re hurting me!”
Instantly, he lets go. The handprints look livid on my bare skin. Anger and regret flit through his eyes, one following the other, as he glares at me.
Then without another word, he stalks out of the room.
I sink to the floor, curling up with my knees supporting my head and my arms wrapped around my folded legs. The area where Elliot grabbed me throbs, but the physical pain is nothing compared to what’s inside me. I feel like somebody’s taken a wrecking ball to my heart.