It was all coming together: Max was working out behind the bar, and judging from the polished plates that came down from upstairs, it seemed Mum and Dad approved of the menu.
Mid-afternoon I crept up the stairs towards my room, thinking I would just let Mum and Dad be. Everyone had gone home and I wanted to take a moment for myself in all the chaos that had unfolded in such a short amount of time – nearly drowning, lake house tour, a hot pash with Sean Murphy, Mum and Dad’s unexpected arrival and teary confession. I was exhausted. I’d thought this was just going to be a night like any other.
I crept past the apartment and closed my door behind me, leaning against it with a sigh. Now Mum and Dad were home it almost felt like a weight had been lifted, like I could go back to being a young person again and enjoy the summer like I was supposed to have been doing. Sean’s Onslow Tigers polo shirt lay crumpled on my bed where I had thrown it earlier as I had rushed to get changed. I picked it up, tracing the embroidered lines of ‘Murphy’ across the back where it would display bold and proud across his broad shoulders.
A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I lifted the jersey to my face and inhaled the fabric; it was crisp and clean. I was disappointed because it didn’t smell like him. Sean’s cologne was always intoxicatingly sharp and musky. Not that I had never wanted to admit he smelled so amazing.
There were a lot of things I didn’t want to admit about Sean Murphy. About how my heart rate would spike when he walked into a room; how, even though he absolutely infuriated me, I got such a thrill whenever he was near. I didn’t want to admit the comfort I took from his presence, and in his arms, at times when it meant nothing more than just that: being my rock. And he always was – without ever asking, he was there. I had let down my barriers, new feelings flooded me, but there was still an overriding emotion that I couldn’t shake.
Fear.
Everything was panning out so smoothly, but what if what had happened today with Sean was simply what happens with Sean?
He kisses a girl and then moves on, no strings attached, just a bit of fun. I had seen it time and time again as he had left the pub with a different girl each night, a trail of lovesick, zombie-like girls clawing at his heels, pawing after him.
I didn’t want to be one of those girls, deliberately trying to catch his attention, hoping against hope that he would find it in his heart to so much as smile my way or say hello.
Had kissing Sean been a huge mistake? Would it change the relationship we had with one another? He had asked me to go to his place tonight with the others … but what if it was awkward? I couldn’t bear the thought. Through all my denial over the past few weeks, there was one thing that had become clearer than anything else.
I needed Sean Murphy.
I needed him around me like he was an integral part of my body; without him I couldn’t function. He kept me sane by driving me insane and it wasn’t until I was faced with the thought of that changing that it began to worry me – really worry me. I was afraid of what faced me tonight – I didn’t know what his agenda was but I had my own, and it was clear. I loved the way he kissed me and I wanted to do it again.
Chapter Forty-Six
Chris was working Max through the quieter shift into lock-up and he was proving to be a real asset.
He was fast, efficient and ready to try a mid-week shift on his own – it wasn’t like any one of us would be far if there was an emergency. Still, I could see the pained uncertainty in Chris as he trained Max to close. He found it difficult to let go of the reins and delicate tasks, the little control freak, unless it was to me. Then, he was more than happy to boss me around, and he took a particular pleasure in telling Adam what to do, too.
At some point, I must have drifted off to sleep, splayed across my bed with Sean’s shirt folded into a makeshift pillow. I dreamed about turning up at the lake house for the gathering only for him to completely ignore me. Then, I followed him around like a lost puppy, but every time I spoke to him or tried to get his attention, it was as if he saw straight through me, as though I didn’t even exist. It was so real and utterly devastating, as if he had ripped out my heart.
A light tickle across the pad of my foot stirred me from my nightmare. Another stroke and I kicked out against the sensation.
“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” sing-songed an upbeat, breezy voice.
I stirred, wondering if the voice was somehow part of my dream. I squinted into the darkness, shifting onto my elbows. A fuzzy silhouette stood before me.
“Tammy?” I croaked.
“Get up! Get up! Get up!” She flicked my light switch on-off-on-off-on in a series of torturous clicks that had me groaning and pulling Sean’s shirt over my face to shield me from the offending strobes of light.