Sean stepped forward and reached his arm towards me. “Need a hand?”
I breathed deeply, reining in my emotions as an ever-increasing mountain of terror threatened to override me. I swallowed it down like a bitter pill and channelled it into something else. Determination. Not knowing how long this new feeling would last, I used it to propel me towards the boat. In one fluid movement I threw the jacket into Sean’s chest with an oomph, and without much thought leapt into the boat and made my way to sit in the passenger seat before my legs gave way. I wanted to puke, I wanted to put my head between my knees in the recovery position, but as Sean sat behind the wheel beside me, I lifted my chin in defiance. I could feel his eyes on me; he was no doubt sporting a cocky grin. When nothing happened, I broke from intently looking out onto the lake like a brave warrior. Instead, my eyes flicked, confused, towards Sean, whose eyes looked wary.
“What?” I asked.
“You sure you want to do this?”
God, this was my chance to say no, to tell him I had better get back to the Onslow, and perhaps leave it for another day, set a fabricated date for some time in the New Year and then flee town. Yep, this was mercifully my chance for a blessed escape – he’d left it wide open for me to chicken out. So when “Yeah, I’m fine” fell from my mouth with the same false bravado that had lifted me into the boat in the first place, my inner monologue screamed.
The part of me that didn’t want to strangle myself with the cord of the life jacket wanted to cry as Sean fired up the boat, flipping on his sunglasses and casting me a pearly white smile.
“Well, good, then. Let’s go!”
***
“Sean! Stop the boat, STOP THE BOAT!”
It wasn’t a car, so he couldn’t just slam on the brakes and pull over to the side and let me out, but Sean worked quickly to at least slow us down.
I have to admit, to his credit, it was pretty slow and I knew it would be killing him as he shifted in his seat, looking out onto the lake, the engine purring, but he was stuck driving Miss Daisy. It took us quite a few minutes to reach out onto a clearing and soon enough the stretch of water surrounded us. My outburst had snapped Sean into instant alarm as he worked with lightning speed to stop the boat and move towards me.
“What’s wrong? Do you want to go back?”
I violently shook my head, unable to take my eyes from the water. I was frozen in place, hands clasping the chair, turning my knuckles white.
It was five minutes into the journey when I had the plan, the devil on my shoulder telling me what to do. I debated on and on in a whirr of movement until finally the devil in me won and that’s when I screamed for Sean to stop the boat.
“Amy?” Sean gently touched the side of my face, snapping me from my daze.
Breaking my eyes from the water, I turned to him, to his intense eyes, his forehead furrowed in concern. He shifted closer beside me, consuming the narrow space.
I looked away. I couldn’t allow myself to be comforted by him, by his touch. I stood, pressing for room, making him shift aside.
“Amy, what’s wrong?”
I gazed at the shoreline, my eyes transfixed on the Onslow where it rested on the crest of the hill like an emerald jewel with its painted green tin roof. From here it looked normal, no hint of what was once its dark, dank, depressing underbelly.
It taunted me up in the distance, up high on the hill, singing to me, challenging me. The Onslow had almost defeated me, but it had not succeeded. A surge of raw determination rose in me, the thought of it belonging to someone else; I couldn’t let that happen. I had to fight, take a stand and suck it up, Princess. I had to face my fears, and in order to do that I had to start from the beginning. Breaking my eyes from the hotel, I stared into the murky water, stepped up, and just as I heard Sean call my name in a blind panic, I took a deep breath and dived into the water.
Chapter Forty
I sank deeper than I thought I would, not that I had given it much thought at all … obviously.
Memories surrounded me and the all-too-familiar sensations flooded my senses as fast as the water filled my mouth. Before the same blinding panic overcame me, I struggled my way upward, kicking as hard as I could. I burst through the water, gasping for air, disorientated, struggling to keep my head from going back under.
Something grabbed the back of my shirt before moving to sweep around my stomach and started side-stroking me back towards the boat.
“Jesus Christ, Amy! What the hell?” Sean growled in my ear.
I coughed and spluttered, fighting for air. He swung me around and I instinctively latched onto the boat and clawed frantically to anchor myself. Sean’s arms latched on too, caging me in protectively, my back pressed against the rapid rise and fall of his chest as I felt his breath flow heavily onto my neck.