An Echo in the Darkness(173)

She clutched his tunic. “I can’t save anyone,” she said in defeat, her cheek against his chest. She was so physically tired. She felt overcome and heartsick.

“I’ve decided to sail to Rome and offer my services to the Roman army,” Alexander said unexpectedly.

Stunned, Hadassah drew back.

Alexander wasn’t prepared to tell her all his reasons, choosing only those she would easily accept.

“Military doctors have fewer restrictions than I do, and traveling with the legions will expand my knowledge and experience. I’ll be able to learn about and collect new herbs. Think of the possibilities, Hadassah. You know the styptic barbarum was discovered on the frontier. So was radix britannica. It’s been successful in countering the effects of scurvy. We need to learn more, and I can’t do it here in the comfort of Ephesus.”

He gripped her shoulders, and his eyes burned in their intensity. “Your work here is done, Hadassah. I want you to come with me.”

Looking at him, seeing his love and concern, she was tempted. A few moments before Alexander’s arrival she had overheard Lavinnia telling one of the other maids that Marcus was speaking with Ezra Barjachin. She was even more certain now that Ezra Barjachin had come to offer his daughter in marriage to Marcus. And it would be to Marcus’ best interests in finding happiness to agree.

Now that Julia was no longer even conscious of her presence, Hadassah wondered what purpose she served by staying any longer. She wondered why God had brought her here at all.

“Come with me,” Alexander said. She wanted to. She wanted to escape the hurt and sense of failure that washed over her now. What more could she do for Julia? And loving Marcus as she did only brought anguish because nothing would ever come of it. God had plans for him—plans that included a beautiful young Jewish Christian from Jericho, not a woman who was scarred and lame.

“Think of all those you could help,” Alexander went on persuasively, encouraged by the uncertainty he saw in Hadassah’s eyes. “You’ve been here for months taking care of one dying woman when you could’ve helped a dozen or more live during that time. Why stay any longer when it’s so clearly hopeless?”

She closed her eyes, trembling as though standing against a dark wind.

“Come with me.” He lifted the veil and cupped her face. “Please, Hadassah. Come with me.”

Oh God, why can’t I say yes? Why do you hold me here? her heart cried. But she knew, no matter what she felt, no matter how much it hurt, she had made her choice long ago.

Her eyes traveled his face, willing him to understand. “I can’t leave her, Alexander. Until she breathes her last breath, I must remain with Julia.”

Pain flickered across his face. He took his hands from her. “Are you sure it isn’t Marcus Valerian that holds you here now?”

She drew the veils down without answering.

Alexander wouldn’t let her turn away from him. He took hold of her arms and held her fast. “What would you say if I told you I love you? Because I do! Hadassah, I love you! Doesn’t that make a difference?”

“I love you, too, Alexander.” At her quiet words his spirit soared, only to be crushed in the next second as she continued. “I’ll always love you for your kindness to me, for your compassion to countless others, for your hunger to know truth. . . .”

“I wasn’t speaking of brotherly love.”

She reached up and touched his face tenderly. She said nothing for a long moment, then she smiled sadly. “Oh Alexander, I wish I could give you what you want. But I don’t love you the way I love Marcus.” The words pierced his heart, and he would have turned away, but she kept her hand on his cheek, urging him to look at her. He did so, meeting her warm eyes. “Nor do you love me the way you do your medicine.”

He wanted to deny it, to argue. But he couldn’t. He knew she was right. He let his breath out softly and looked away. “You do have a way of cutting to the heart of things.”

“Not always,” she said, thinking of Julia. Had she known the heart of things, couldn’t she have found a way to reach Julia? O God, except for you, Lord, I feel so alone.

Alexander decided to tell her the rest. Letting her go, he said, “Marcus Valerian came to call on me last night.”

Her heart began to drum. “What did he want?”

“He wanted to know more about you. He’s putting the pieces together, Hadassah. Rashid arrived at the wrong moment.”

“Marcus saw him?”

“Yes, and there were a few moments when I thought it necessary to remind Rashid of his oath. Marcus will satisfy his curiosity about you one way or another. What he’ll do when he finds out who you are, I can’t tell you. But don’t ever forget these are the same people who threw you to the lions.” He slipped his hand beneath the veils to brush her cheek. “You’d be safer with me.”