An Officer but No Gentleman(13)

Charlie wanted nothing more than to leave it at that, but knew Hugh would want a full report. “We thought it might have to do with a maiden,” Charlie said hoping to get him talking.

“Aye,” was all he said. After a length of time had passed, Charlie could see he didn’t want to talk about it.

“She doesn’t know you exist?”

“Oh, she knows.”

Morty closed his mouth and glared at Charlie. This was not going well, but Charlie didn’t know how to extradite herself at this point so she plodded on.

“So you like this girl and she what? Doesn’t return your feelings? She’s taken?”

“I don’t like this girl,” he said deliberately. “I love her.”

“And…” she prompted.

“And she’s a lying, deceitful piece of baggage. She made me think I was going crazy. I thought.… Never mind what I thought.”

Morty stood up and paced the length of the room and back until he stood in front of Charlie.

“Look, Morty, maybe you’re better off without her.”

Suddenly, Morty grabbed handfuls of Charlie’s uniform coat and pulled her to her feet, his face inches from hers. It wouldn’t have been impossible to break free of the large man, but Charlie could see the pain in her friend’s eyes and didn’t even try. If he wanted to shout into Charlie’s face, she’d let him.

“Even now,” he gritted out. “You just won’t make it easy on me. You know how I feel and you won’t admit it. I know, Charlie. I know you’re a woman.”

“No, Morty. You’re wrong.” Denial was her first reflex. Even though she knew he knew, it was almost her own inability to admit she was exposed to which she responded.

His head lowered hesitantly to hers. But as his lips met hers, she pulled back and turned her head.

“I am no raper of innocents,” he said in her ear. “I am not going to hurt you. I just want you to see me the way a woman sees a man. Not as your shipmate and friend. I want to be the man who makes your knees weak and your skin hot.”

When she tried to push him away, he let go of her coat and slipped his hand inside around to her back and pulled her up against the length of him.

“Morty,” she whispered. “You’re scaring me.”

Charlie had never been allowed to be vulnerable. She had to be tough at all times. “Please.” Her mind tried to wrap around what he was saying. This man, this gentle giant for whom she felt a very tender kinship, loved her as a man loved a woman. She didn’t know why she was afraid. It wasn’t because she thought he’d hurt her, not Morty. Never that. It was more fear of his emotions.

He could feel the rapid rise and fall of her chest and see the pulse in her neck dancing. Slowly, he released her and stepped back, his eyes never leaving hers as he watched a myriad of expressions flit across her countenance. Morty knew the moment she thought about fleeing and beat her to the door. With one swift motion the key was turned and palmed his meaty hand. When he saw the panic in her eyes again, he pressed the key into her hand.

Charlie closed her eyes for a moment. She hated this vulnerable feeling and wondered if land women felt this way as they lived their everyday life. How was it that his knowing she was a woman made her feel so defenseless? Was she not the same person he knew before he discovered the truth? She could still take him to the ground and pin him there and yet she never felt so insecure in her life. The things he said, were they not the things she wanted for herself? There in front of her, was a man echoing what she had spent endless hours dreaming of as she sat alone in her cabin at night, but never dared to hope for: a man to love –one who loved her back—someone whom she didn’t have to pretend to keep up appearances. She was sick of the charade. And yet she knew no way out of it.

As long as she lived at sea, she could not be a woman. Women had no place on a ship. They were bad luck and no man would ever follow a woman officer, but she knew no other way.

On land there was a place for women. They lived with their parents until they married and then they were wives and mothers. She knew nothing of being a daughter, a wife, a mother.

She put her hand on his chest and strained her neck upwards until his mouth came down to meet hers. His arm went around her drawing her to him. Try as she might she just didn’t feel anything. When she pulled away Charlie could tell Morty’s reaction was different from hers. His eyes were hooded with desire as he tried to reengage her.

“No.”

She didn’t know if she didn’t like kissing or if she wasn’t doing it right, but she did know kissing Morty was not what she had hoped for. She resisted the urge to wipe her mouth on her sleeve.