I walk over to him and he turns around quickly, wiping the tears from his face.
“Hey man, are you ok?” I look down at his tear streaked cheeks and wish I could do or say something that would take away his pain. I know from experience that the only true bandage is time.
“Yeah,” Chris sniffs and swallows hard. “I just needed closure. Like you guys said.”
I nod. I know he did. “That’s all right, you did what you had to do. I understand that. Your mom is a bit worried though. She thinks you snuck out to run away or something.”
I watch as his shoulders slump back down and he looks at his hands. “I messed up again, didn’t I?” He sneaks a look up at me sideways.
“Nah, you did what you had to do. I’ll explain it to her. I get it.” I answer honestly. It’s not a lie. When I decided to go visit Corporal Thompson’s gravesite, I pulled a U-turn in the middle of rush hour traffic to do it. Sometimes things can’t wait until morning, or for traffic lights. When your soul tells you that it’s ready to heal, you listen.
“I’m just gonna give her a quick call so she doesn’t keep worrying, ok? I’ll let you finish up here.” I pull my cell out of my pocket and Chris nods at me.
I dial the only number that I’ve bothered to program into this thing and Lauren picks up on the first ring.
“Hello?” I can tell from her voice that Chris isn’t the only one who’s been crying.
“Hey, I’m here with Chris. He’s ok. He just needed to get some closure with Joel, but everything is ok.” I soothe her.
“Oh thank God! I swear every time I think he’s turning a corner he goes and does something like this! What was he thinking sneaking off in the middle of the night! Thank you Lord, he’s safe.” I can practically hear her crossing herself.
“He’s not doing it to act out, ok? Trust me, it’s a good thing that he came here tonight. He needed to talk to Joel as a man. It’s because of me and Armstrong that he even got the idea, so please, cut him some slack this time? I don’t think he’s sliding back.” I plead his case.
The phone is silent. I flick my hand over to check if the timer is still counting the seconds. It is.
“Lauren?”
“Ok,” she finally answers quietly. “But he still has to know that leaving in the middle of the night isn’t ok. Even if it’s to go to the grave.” I can hear the edge creeping back into her tone. I don’t think she knows if she’s relieved, happy, or pissed off. Probably all three. And then some.
“He knows,” I interrupt gently. “Trust me.”
“Ok, well you two get back here soon.”
“We will see you in a bit.” I hang up and walk over to Chris. He’s standing up now and has wiped away the last remnants of his tears.
“Is she mad at me?” He looks up into my face and it’s like looking back in time down into my own reflection.
“Nah. I mean, she was worried, of course. Don’t worry, it’s all gonna be ok.” I throw my arm around his shoulder and give him a quick squeeze. To my surprise, Chris throws both his arms around me and buries his face into my arm.
“Thank you for helping me,” he mumbles. “Not just with this, like, with understanding me, I guess.” He lets go and looks down at his feet.
“Hey, anytime. Ok? I’m always here if you need me.”
Chris looks up at me, his brown eyes searching my face. Like he’s not sure if I’m just saying the words or if I mean them. He seems to find the honesty he’s looking for, because his lips spread into a smile and he nods at me.
“Ok, let’s go back to my house,” he walks away from Joel’s grave. “I’m ready now.”
“Ok.”
The only sound in the air is our footsteps as we walk side-by-side to the cemetery gate. I feel ten pounds lighter just knowing how much baggage the little man at my side just left back there. I can’t even imagine how much better he must feel. Or how much better his life is going to get now that he’s closing the door on his grief. I’m not saying it’ll be perfect, but it should get easier now.
I look over the headstones, lined up like men on parade. All standing at attention, decorated and shining. My skin prickles and a rush of air whooshes in my ears as my mind travels back to the military gravesite I visited with my men lying in it.
The men I lost that day.
The men I let down.
Suddenly, my throat closes and I gasp for breath as I see Thompson’s face in my mind’s eye. Chris fades away, the stones around me disappear as I see the Afghani elder just steps away from me. His hand is hidden beneath his clothes, but I know what’s there. I’ve seen this happen a million times. He pulls out his ax and the sickening thud is all I can hear as Thompson’s head slices in half. The blood drips down what’s left of his face and is soaked up by the sand billowing around us as he crumples in the dirt.