A familiar hollow pain set up shop in her chest as she ripped the scab off a wound that had never really healed. "Parents aren't the only people who are supposed to love you no matter what. Don't forget that wedding vows say something about richer or poorer and in sickness and in health."
Jack's eyes widened. "What are you saying?"
She forced herself to meet his gaze head-on even as she wrapped her arms around her abdomen to protect a child who was no longer there. "I've already told you that Josh never thought I lived up to his idea of what a wife should be and that I had even talked to an attorney about my options. What I didn't tell you was that I was pregnant. God, Josh was so proud of himself. He was going to be a father, have a son, start his own dynasty."
The tears came like they always did when she let herself think back to the worst period of her life. "Then I miscarried. Things went from bad to worse, and they had to do an emergency hysterectomy to save my life."
Jack's eyes hardened to the color of dark jade. "What did the bastard do?"
"He filed for divorce while I was still in the hospital. He said he needed a complete woman, not one who couldn't provide him with a son."
"That son of a bitch! He didn't deserve a woman like you."
"It took me awhile to realize that, but I finally did." When Jack's strong arms gathered her in close, she drew a shuddering breath and then forced a smile. "So when I say rejection on that level sometimes makes it hard to do the smart thing, I know what I'm talking about. For example, I should have told you that I love you before now, but I was afraid to let anyone have that much power over me again."
Then she rose high enough to brush a kiss across Jack's lips. "Sorry, I didn't mean to spring all of that on you with no warning. Now, I'm going to go see Ricky in the hospital. He'll need all the familiar faces around him he can get right now."
Then she walked away, all too painfully aware that when she told Jack that she loved him, he hadn't said a word in response. No surprise there. Even if he'd had some feelings for her, what man would want a woman who couldn't give him children?
She made it all the way into her car before she saw him coming after her. There was nothing more to be said, so she started the engine and drove away.
Chapter 21
Jack watched Caitlyn's car disappear down the street and cursed himself for being a fool. He'd just let the best thing that had ever happened to him walk away without doing a damn thing to stop her. Yeah, everything she'd just told him had left him feeling as if he'd been hit in the head with a two-by-four, but he still should have done something, said something.
Tracking down her ex-husband and pounding on him for a while wouldn't change a thing for Caitlyn, but Jack would feel better knowing that someone had made the bastard pay for making her feel like anything less than amazing. Like he'd said, Josh hadn't deserved her; Jack wasn't sure he did, either. Still, she'd seen him at his worst and hadn't run away. At least until he failed to accept the gift she'd all but handed him on a silver platter.
She loved him.
Unsure what to do with that particular bit of news, he headed back to the annex. He had a mess to clean up, and he wasn't talking about the one he'd made trashing the place. Maybe he could make sense of what he should do next while he put the gym back together.
He'd picked up about half of the mess when the door behind him opened. It was too much to hope that it would be Caitlyn, but it was his brother standing in the doorway.
Tino surveyed the room and shook his head. "Tell me you didn't trash the upstairs, too, because I won't be happy if I have to sleep on the floor."
Jack went back to sweeping up the broken pieces of the vase he'd knocked over. "No, I didn't. I pretty much ran out of steam about the time I ran out of weights to throw around."
"In case you're interested, Ricky has been asking for you. Caitlyn told him that you had a few things to take care of, but that you'd be along presently."
Tino sat down on the weight bench, looking almost as tired as Jack felt. "She wasn't wrong about that, was she? Because I'm telling you that the kid looks pretty damned scared there in that hospital bed. Every time someone walks by the door, he checks to see if it's you."
Jack emptied the dustpan in the trash and put it and the broom away. After looking around for something else to do, anything that would keep him too busy to think, he finally gave up and sat down.
"I've really screwed up everything, Tino."
His brother snorted. "There's only one thing you've done wrong today, Jack. Ricky is the one in the hospital nursing a swollen jaw and a massive headache, and here you sit having your own private pity party. That kid needs you at the hospital, not sitting on your ass here."
It was time for some hard truths. "I'm not so sure about that. I wanted to kill that guy for hurting Ricky again."
Tino ran his hand over his face, a sign that today hadn't been easy for him, either. "But you didn't. You stopped him from hurting Ricky more than he already had and then let the cops take over."
Jack held up his finger and thumb showing about a quarter of an inch between them. "I came this close to losing it, though."
His brother's laugh was harsh. "So did I, Jack. And I'm telling you right now, those two detectives wanted a piece of Lawrence, too. So if it's a crime to want to give Ricky's stepfather a good old-fashioned ass-kicking, then all of us would have been guilty."
Then Tino got up and joined Jack on the couch. "We both know that a lot of what happened to Ricky has been an unwelcome blast from the past for you. I get that. Hell, I've been having a few flashbacks of my own. But right now, this isn't about either of us. It's about Ricky and what he needs, and what he needs is you."
Jack leaned back and briefly closed his eyes. Tino wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. He also needed to make things right with Caitlyn, but he wasn't ready to bring that up for discussion. She needed to be the first one to hear how he felt about her. So, back to the matter at hand.
"I want to be there for the kid like Joe was there for me. Better yet, I really wish Joe was here for both of us right now."
Tino let out a big sigh. "Yeah, I miss him, too. Sometimes I pretend he's sitting next to me and telling me what I need to hear."
The two brothers lapsed into silence, each lost in his own memories of Joe Lukash. Then what Joe's attorney had said that day in his office popped back into Jack's mind. Something about holding on to the letters that Joe had left for them until the moment they most wished that Joe was there to help them deal with something major in their lives.
He jumped up off the couch and headed up to his room. He dug the letter out of the dresser drawer and then parked his backside on the bed. His gut said this was the right moment to read the letter. At the same time he was reluctant to open the envelope.
Tino had followed him up the stairs. "Go ahead and read it, Jack. What can it hurt?"
"I know this sounds stupid, but I'm afraid to see what he had to say to me. Not to mention it almost feels like I'd be saying goodbye to him again."
His brother shrugged. "It's up to you. I'm going to take a quick shower. If you're not going back to the hospital soon, I'll need to go relieve Mom."
Jack waited until he heard the water running in the shower before he finally pried open the envelope, taking care not to tear it. After unfolding the single piece of paper that was covered with Joe's familiar neat writing, he skimmed the contents and then went back up to the top to read it again with greater care. It was hard to focus through the sheen of tears in his eyes, but that didn't matter. He cherished every word that Joe had written there for him to see.
Dear Jack,
If you're reading this, well, we both know I'm not there anymore. Sorry about that. I've thought long and hard about what I'd want to tell you if I only had one last chance to offer you advice.
So here goes: Cut yourself some slack, boy. You're not your father and never have been.
Everyone has a mixed bag of characteristics. Some good, some bad. Some you pick up along the way. Others come hardwired in your genes. Just remember that it's what you do with those characteristics that matters.
Yeah, you have a temper. Big deal. So did I, even if my fuse was a bit longer than yours. The important thing to remember is that never once in your whole life have you used that temper against someone smaller or weaker than you.