Every part of me hurt. My head, my heart, my body. While what X and I had done hadn't been as rough as some of the things Tanner and I had done over the years, it still hadn't been gentle. And I had the bruises to prove it.
If this had been a regular day after a morning of great sex, I would've been thinking about each ache and mark with fondness, remembering how they'd come to be. I'd done that before with Tanner, and a part of me wished that I could've been doing the same thing with X.
Except I'd never imagined that X would treat me the way he had. Even as big of an ass as he'd been in the past, I'd never thought him capable of being so...
I sighed. I couldn't even think of a word to describe what I was feeling at the moment.
Actually, that wasn't entirely true. I still wasn't feeling much of anything, because I was trying very hard not to.
I wanted to sleep, to be able to forget everything for at least that short amount of time. That's what I wanted to do after I found Logan, except the nightmares had kept me from doing that. Well, until the doctor had given me some sedatives. Then I'd slept for days. I still only remembered the funeral through a haze.
I wasn't having nightmares this evening because having nightmares would require the ability to sleep. That wasn't coming any time soon. At first, it was the adrenaline rushing through me after my confrontation, but even after that faded, I knew I wouldn't be able to relax enough for sleep, and I hadn't yet reached that kind of exhaustion that'd take over no matter what.
Maybe tomorrow.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I didn't want to think about tomorrow either. I couldn't stay up here indefinitely. I needed to eat, at least attempt to do the work I'd been hired to do. Maybe not the nursing part since I didn't want to be anywhere near my patient, but the house still needed to be taken care of.
Then there were the calling hours or wake, or whatever plans X was making. I hadn't known Father O'Toole well, but I wanted to go to his funeral, even if X didn't want my support. I'd go to pay my respects.
After that...I didn't know. I meant what I'd said to X at the end of our...conversation. I didn't think I could work for him anymore. Being around him was too hard. I'd done difficult things before, put up with a lot. I'd always considered myself a strong person, but X was too much. I was afraid that if I stayed, he'd break me. It wouldn't matter if I slept with him again or if I just kept going round and round with him. Whatever the method, the results would still be the same.
I'd come out here in an attempt to start over, but all I’d done was run straight into a broken heart. I could barely admit to myself how far I'd fallen and how fast. Maybe I deserved it for leaving my parents, for falling for a patient.
Not that any of that mattered. Nothing would happen between us. Not again anyway.
Which meant I really didn't have any reason to stay in Philadelphia. I hadn't wanted to go back to Texas just for Tanner, and now that I knew he and I weren't going to work, San Antonio had no appeal at all. Even if I couldn't be with X, I respected and cared about Tanner too much to give him false hope.
I needed to figure out what my next move would be. Move being the operative word. I wanted to leave not just the neighborhood, but the city. I knew the chances of running into X once I left this house were slim to none, but I'd never feel completely comfortable here.
Maybe I should just throw a dart at a map, I thought. That could be a fun way to decide where I wanted to go. I could actually go back to Texas. It was a huge state. I could be closer to my parents without being too close. I could move to Dallas or Austin if I wanted a big city. There were small ones too, if I thought that might be a change of pace.
I should've felt excited at the prospect of a new life, one away from all of this. A chance to start over where no one knew me. I could be who I wanted to be.
But I didn't feel anything.
I was starting to think that I was destined to have a very long, unpleasant night when my phone rang. I glanced at the screen, thinking I'd even be grateful for pretty much any distraction.
It was Tanner.
All right, not what I expected.
I didn't know why he'd call, not after our last conversation. Things hadn't ended badly, but they still ended. He should've been back in Texas, moving on. And moving on would be difficult if I kept answering the phone, but I was tired of listening to myself think, so I reached over and picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Nori, thank goodness you answered.”
I frowned. That didn't sound good. I sat up. “Are you okay?”
“I'm fine.”
There was a pause, the kind I recognized. He was trying to figure out how to tell me something.
“I was on my way home from the airport when I got stopped in a traffic jam.” He was speaking calmly, but quickly. “I went to speak with one of the officers at the scene and I recognized the car. It was your mom's.”