I'd opened myself up to him. Trusted him the way I'd only ever trusted one person in my life before him.
I stepped under the spray and closed my eyes, giving myself over to the tears. They weren't all for myself. Some of them were for Father O'Toole. More for X's loss. And that was what made all of this so much worse than just having slept with someone who didn't care about me or a misunderstanding about why we'd had sex. On top of everything else he was dealing with, X was in mourning.
I tried telling myself that as I washed up. Tried reminding myself that there were extenuating circumstances here. That I just needed to be patient. Once things calmed down a bit, we'd be able to talk about what happened. He'd understand that, despite the circumstances, I wasn’t pitying him, that compassion and sympathy were different. That I would've wanted to have sex with him no matter what happened. That I'd wanted him since before he'd kissed me that first time.
Except some part of me had a sinking feeling that we'd lost the only chance we would have.
And that just made me hurt even more.
Chapter Nine
Xavier
I wanted to pace. Throw things. Hit something. Someone. I had too much adrenaline, too much negative energy flooding my system. I felt like I was about to explode.
What happened last night was one of the best things that'd ever happened to me. Coming on the heels of one of the worst, it'd made for a beyond-confusing morning. When I woke up, I had Nori in my arms, and for a few surreal seconds, I thought I'd had some sort of strange waking dream. That there was no way Nori and I had slept together.
Then she'd snuggled closer, pressing her face against my chest, and I'd felt her breath even through my t-shirt. I'd kept it on all night, pulling on a pair of boxers when I'd gotten up at some point. She'd still been naked though, and I'd been able to feel every curve of her delicious body.
Hell, I could almost feel her now.
I clenched my hands into fists and tried not to think about the way she felt last night. The way she tasted. I still heard the sounds she made. Feel the tight heat of being inside her.
It was better than anything I'd ever imagined, and that was saying something.
When I realized our night together hadn't been a dream, my first thought had automatically been to wake her up by exploring every inch of her with my mouth. I'd wanted it – wanted her – so badly that it hurt.
But then all of the doubts started flooding in. Doubts over whether or not I'd taken advantage of Nori's sympathy, used the father's death to make her more susceptible to what I wanted. Doubts about just how much I'd pushed her.
Doubts about myself, I could've handled, but then came the doubts about Nori, and her reasons. Had she just thought it would be a good way to take my mind off of things?
Or had I just been a pity fuck?
And that was the thought that had gotten me out of bed.
I hadn't been able to look myself in the mirror, and before I returned to the bedroom, I made sure that Nori wasn’t able to look at me either.
When she left – when I finally chased her away – I closed my eyes and let it all come crashing down on me. Father O'Toole dying. Looking at the pill bottle and the tequila, trying to decide what to do.
Nori.
Kissing her.
Making love to her.
And it was that thought that broke me. The l word. I hadn't let myself think it before, but I'd known it for a while.
I'd fallen for her.
And I was scared shitless.
I'd grown up with an abusive asshole of a father. Worked for a drug dealer. Turned on the same dealer. Spent time in juvenile detention. Lost my mother and sister. Nearly been beaten to death. I'd survived tours in some of the most dangerous places on earth. I'd even survived nearly being crushed and burned alive.
But the thought of having to face off with my true feelings for Nori frightened me more than any of those things.
That didn't stop me from being furious with myself for how I'd talked to her. Not that it really surprised me. I'd lashed out at her before when things had gotten confusing for me. I'd never been the nicest guy in the world, but since the accident, I'd pretty much become an asshole with occasional bouts of semi-humanity.
I went over to the bed and sat down on the edge. With a sigh, I flopped back onto the bed.
Shit. My sheets still smelled like her.
I’d have to do a load of laundry before Kipp got here. Technically, Father O'Toole hired Nori to do these chores, but there was no way I could ask her to do that. I was pretty sure she didn't want any reminders of our lone night together. Even if she hadn't pitied me before, there was no way she'd ever forgive me for what I'd said. The best I could hope for would be a return to a tentative employer / employee relationship.
* * *
By the time Kipp arrived, I was hot, uncomfortable, and in an even worse mood than before. Even though I'd managed to avoid Nori for the past couple hours, I'd kept the sweatshirt on. I supposed, in some way, it was a sort of penance I was making myself pay for what I’d done.