I didn't want to think about that though. I didn't want to think about anything at all.
When his tongue slipped across my bottom lip, I darted mine out to tease his. He made a sound in the back of his throat and pulled me onto his lap. Automatically, my knees went on either side of his hips and I could feel him harden underneath me. I waited to feel the familiar clench of desire in my stomach, the flutter of anticipation.
Nothing.
It was nice, but nothing more.
Then I was on my back and he was stretched out over me, his mouth moving across my jaw and down my neck. One hand stayed on my hip, but the other was at my shoulder, sliding the strap down.
“Tanner.” My voice was less breathless than it should've been, but it didn't really surprise me. While the sensations were pleasant, there was no heat, no spark.
His teeth scraped over my collarbone and I pulled my hands around to push at his shoulders. He didn't move.
The word came to my lips before I even thought about saying it. “Ruby.”
He froze, then slowly lifted himself up so that he could look down at me.
“Nori?”
I gave him a sad smile and watched as he realized what I'd just figured out. He pushed himself onto his knees, then sat down. He held out a hand to pull me up, releasing it as soon as I was sitting.
“Guess this didn't work out the way I hoped it would,” he said.
There was a wistfulness on his face, but he didn't look like he was angry. No surprise. Tanner wasn't that kind of guy.
“I'm sorry,” I said. “I really did want to think about it. And I have missed you.”
“But it's not the same,” he said. “Between us. The reason we broke up, it didn't change for you.”
“No,” I said it as gently as I could. “You're a great friend, Tanner, but I just don't feel that way anymore again.”
He reached over and squeezed my hand. “Let me call you a cab.”
“I didn't want...” I closed my eyes as I thought about what I wanted to say. “I never meant for it to go this way.”
I opened my eyes to find him watching me.
“I know, Nori. You don't have a mean or unkind bone in your body. It's one of the things I always loved about you.” He stood and then pulled me to my feet. “It's not anyone's fault. We just don't fit like that anymore.”
I nodded as I felt tears burning my eyes. This really was it. We were done. No matter what happened between the two of us in the future, it would only be friendship. I knew he'd still be there for me if I needed him, and I would always be there for him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. I didn't really know when that changed, but I knew for sure that it was true.
“I need to use the restroom,” I said quickly. I didn't want Tanner to see me cry. I didn't even want to cry, but I needed to take a minute to compose myself.
I didn't take long, but when I came out, Tanner was already getting off the phone.
“Taxi will be downstairs shortly,” he said. “Do you want me to walk you down?”
I shook my head. “I'll be fine.”
Tanner came over and reached out to squeeze my arm. “We're good, Nori.”
I smiled. “We are.”
I started for the door but paused when he said my name.
“Don't be afraid to go after what makes you happy.” He still looked sad, but his words were sincere. “You deserve to have what you want. Who you want.”
I looked at him for a moment and then said, “So do you.”
As I left, I wondered if he had someone in mind when he said that last statement. If he thought the reason I wasn't in love with him anymore had to do with someone specific. As if there was someone else I'd fallen for.
But he couldn't have known how I felt about X. I barely knew how I felt.
But something about the look on Tanner's face made me think that he did know, maybe even better than I did.
And he wanted me to be with the person who made me happy.
Chapter Six
Xavier
Everybody was gone now. The paramedics had asked if I wanted to go with them, but I'd declined. What was the point? I knew a dead body when I saw one. And thanks to a conversation the father and I'd had one day after my accident, I knew he had a DNR order in place for a few years now. He'd even gone so far as to get one of those DNR bracelets to make sure even paramedics would know his decision. In his mind, God would take him home when it was time. No later. No earlier.
I just never thought I'd have to honor it. Not like this anyway. I thought it'd be years in the future and after some illness, if ever. I hadn't thought it would mean I would have to stop myself from doing CPR. A selfish part of me had wanted to do it anyway, the part of me that knew I still needed him, and another part that hadn't wanted to be the one to make the fatal decision.