I should've walked away even after she grabbed my arm. Or, better yet, I shouldn't have even let myself get involved in the first place. It'd just been so long since I'd felt anything good that I found myself clinging to what I had with her. But I should've just been satisfied with her friendship, with the fact that she wanted to help me. Instead, I'd pushed, and now I'd lost her. She'd leave for sure now.
If she left – when she left – I wouldn't be able to keep my head above water. It was too hard alone, and I couldn't ask Father O'Toole to stay with me all the time. I doubted even his presence would do anything more than keep me alive. It certainly wouldn't make me want to live. Not like she did.
With the black looming again, my paralysis broke, and I took a step toward the hallway. Then I hesitated, not knowing what I should do. How was I supposed to make it right with her? Convince her to stay? I'd stepped over the lines she'd drawn, invaded her personal space. Lost her trust.
I needed to get it back. Even if she didn't want to continue this Dom / Sub thing, I needed her to trust that I wouldn't come near her again. I just needed her to stay.
She said she'd seen something in me that told her I'd be a good Dom, but I was starting to doubt her. There was something inside me that liked the dominating part of things, but I knew the truth. I was too weak to be a Dom, too weak to be the sort of man she thought I was. I'd always been good at pretending to be stronger than I was. Now, I couldn't even do that.
I hated myself for it. For violating her trust like that, for needing her so much. But there was no going back to change what happened. And if I didn't convince her to stay, I'd be back where I was before.
I had to try.
I made my way upstairs, wondering what I was going to say. By the time I knocked a second time, I still didn't know. Then she was opening the door, her dress tied again, her face blank. Her eyes were red, though, and I cursed myself for having made her cry.
“May I come in?” I asked. “I'd like to apologize.”
She didn't say anything, but she stepped out of the way so I took that as an invitation. I hadn't been up here since the father had redone things, but I didn't bother looking around. All of my attention was on the young woman in front of me.
“I was out of line,” I said quickly, wanting to speak before she did. “You set the boundaries, and I didn't respect them. I'm sorry.”
She started shaking her head before I finished and my stomach clenched painfully. She didn't want to hear it. I'd waited too long. Gone too far. I'd lost the small bit of light I had.
“You don't need to apologize,” she said. Her voice was soft and she couldn't look at me.
I resisted the urge to reach for her. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't think she'd want my touch. She hadn't wanted it before I kissed her, and I was sure she definitely didn't want it now.
“Yes, I do,” I insisted. “It was wrong of me to kiss you like that.”
“I'm the one who was wrong,” she said, her voice firmer now. “I never should have put you in that position. I knew it wasn't appropriate, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of–”
“Excuse me?” I bristled, temper flaring. “Are you seriously telling me that you took advantage of me? Like I'm some virgin on prom night?”
“That's not what I meant.” Her cheeks turned red. “I meant, I'm your nurse...I mean, sort of, but enough...”
“Stop!” The word came out harsher than I intended, but it did what I wanted. She stopped talking. In fact, she stopped everything and stared up at me, her eyes wide. “I'm not a child, Nori, and I'm not so fucked up that you have to blame yourself for anything. I knew what I was doing.”
“I didn't mean...” she sighed. “Dammit. I didn't mean it to sound like that.”
I looked away from her, like I was actually interested in how the bedroom was decorated. “It doesn't matter,” I said, keeping my voice flat. “I shouldn't have done it. It's been a while since I've kissed anyone. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
I hated myself for trying to act like the kiss hadn't meant anything to me, like I would've kissed any woman who'd gotten close enough, but she had to think that it didn't matter. If she knew how I really felt, how much I wanted her, she'd run back to Texas and I'd never see her again. I couldn't let that happen, so I said what she needed to hear.
“It won't happen again,” I promised.
And I wouldn't let it. If I wanted something in my life to control, this would be it: pretending that I didn't feel anything beyond friendship for Nori.
“So we just go back to the way things were?” she asked. “Like I never made this crazy suggestion in the first place?”