Silence again.
And, again, I waited.
“You have to set strict boundaries before you do anything else.”
Relief went through me. He was going to help.
“I told him no sex and that we had to have a safe word,” I said. “What else?”
“Make sure he knows the correct terms and definitions,” Tanner said promptly. “Not necessarily the names of all the toys, but more the sorts of things he'll need to know when he meets a Sub he wants to play with.”
My stomach churned, and I told myself it was just nerves. It had nothing to do with the thought of X and another woman. Nothing to do with the mental images of him doing the things I’d teach him with someone else. If I didn't feel that way about Tanner with someone else, then I sure as hell couldn't feel that way about X.
“Okay. Terminology. Got it.”
“How are you planning on doing this without any sexual contact?” Tanner asked.
And, that, I knew, was the true question. Tanner hadn't thrown me into things, but it'd always been sexual, even as slow as we'd taken it. I didn't know how I could ever teach X about a sexual world without sex being a part of it.
“I'm not sure,” I admitted. “I was thinking that I'd start with getting him to set his own boundaries about touching and all that. Getting him comfortable in his own skin again, so that he'll know going in what bothers him and what doesn't.”
“That sounds like a good start,” Tanner said. “A Dom has to be sure enough of himself that he can focus solely on his Sub's needs.”
“I remember you telling me when we first started, that being a Dom was about taking care of a Sub mentally and emotionally as well as physically.”
“It is,” Tanner agreed. “If you've got a good read on this guy – and I trust you do – then focus on the responsibility factor. He was used to being in charge of troops, right?”
“He was a sergeant,” I said.
“Then use that as an example. How he had a responsibility to his soldiers. They weren't helpless, but it was still his job to look out for them.”
At his words, everything started to fall together. I could see exactly how I could do this without sex. I knew, eventually, X would incorporate sex into things, but for right now, between the two of us, it was about acceptance of who he was, learning that there were still things under his control, and giving him something to fight the depression.
“Thanks, Tanner,” I said. “You've been a huge help.”
“Anytime.” He paused and then added, “Just be careful, Nori. I don't want to see you get hurt.”
“I won't,” I assured him. X wouldn't hurt me. He may have been angry and depressed, but he wasn't violent. He'd never lash out at me.
As I ended the call, I realized that Tanner hadn't meant physically. He'd said before that I was emotional. That was what he was afraid of. That I'd get attached to X, and when he chose someone else, I'd get hurt. I should've called or texted Tanner to let him know that it wasn't like that, but I didn't. We were just friends now. Even though he wanted me safe, it was my responsibility to make sure that I stayed that way.
I'd be fine, I told myself. I was going into this with my eyes open, and I knew exactly what to expect. X was depressed, but he wasn't naïve or easily coerced. We'd never go further than either of us were comfortable. It'd be therapeutic.
Like massage.
There were the legitimate kinds of massage that people received to help them relax and de-stress, and they even had those kinds naked. But despite what could've turned into a sensual, sexual encounter, the behavior of both the masseuse and the person being massaged kept things professional.
This would be just another form of therapy.
A very unorthodox one, but if I handled it right, it could change everything for X.
I stared up at the ceiling as I went through my plans again. That would be an important part of keeping both of us in the right frame of mind. Rules, guidelines, a framework of what we were going to do.
As long as I kept thinking about it like a different form of massage therapy, I'd keep myself focused on the right part of the experience.
Getting X better.
That was the only thing that mattered. I'd worry about me after.
Chapter Four
Xavier
The cities that were crucial during the country's fight for independence had always been, in my opinion, the best places to spend the Fourth of July. Even before I'd joined the service, I'd loved the celebrations thrown in and around Philadelphia. After I'd enlisted, I'd found a new sense of purpose and appreciation in Independence Day, even more so than the holidays set aside to honor the military, both past and present. I appreciated those holidays, but there was always something about the Fourth that was special to me.