I put my hands flat on the bed so he couldn't see them tremble. I wouldn’t lie to him. “That's right. Father O'Toole is worried about you.”
X pushed away from the bed and ran his good hand through his hair. I liked the longer style better than the buzz cut he'd had when I'd first seen him.
“He doesn't need to be.” X walked over to the window, but I got the impression that he wasn't really seeing anything. “I wouldn't do that to him.”
I suddenly felt nauseous. “What do you mean?”
X cut me a sideways glance, then returned to staring through the glass. “I met Father O'Toole when I was eighteen. He saved my life.” He paused for a moment and I wondered if he was remembering the circumstances under which that had happened. “The father's faith is important to him, but I never believed.”
I had a feeling I knew where he was going with this, and I didn't like it.
He continued, “It'd hurt him if I...” He let the sentence hang into the silence. “So you don't have to worry about sticking around. You can tell Father O'Toole that I'm not a danger to myself.”
I took a step toward him. “And if he wasn't around?”
X was quiet for so long that I thought he’d just stand there and not answer, basically waiting for me to get annoyed enough to walk away. I was a patient person, but he didn't put that to the test.
“If he wasn't here, I wouldn't be either,” he said simply.
I swallowed hard, my heart twisting painfully. The priest had been right.
“You have people–”
He cut me off. “My family's dead, Nori. My only friends are all from a military I'm not a part of anymore. There's no point.”
“There is a point!” Something inside me snapped and I crossed over to him. I didn't care about those lines that were supposed to be between us. All I cared about was making him see that he had to live.
“No offense, Nori, but you don't know shit.”
“I don't know shit?!” I shoved him and he took a step back, eyes wide.
At least I'd gotten some reaction out of him. That told me there was hope. He wasn't completely lost. But I’d never get through to him if I played nice, I realized. He had people show him compassion. He had people who cared for him. It hadn't done any good. He needed some sense smacked into him. Figuratively, at least.
So I took a slow breath and told him.
“When I was a teenager, my older brother, Logan, enlisted in the army.” I forced myself to keep looking at him. “Within four months he was back...and missing the bottom half of his right leg.”
X's jaw clenched, but other than that, he showed no reaction.
“I adored my big brother,” I continued. “And I was so proud of him for serving his country, for being one of those who wanted to protect the people he cared about. But when he came home, he wasn't that boy anymore. It was like something inside him had been lost along with his leg.”
His eyes narrowed, and I knew he was getting ready to argue or cuss me out or something like that.
“He'd been home for eight months when I came home early from school. I wasn't feeling good, so I signed myself out. When I got home, I went to Logan's room to tell him I was back.” My hands curled into fists, nails digging into my palms.
“Nori–”
“He hung himself,” I said flatly. “He was in so much pain, and he felt like there wasn't anyone he could turn to, so he killed himself. And I found him.”
X raised his hand like he was going to touch me, then dropped it. A look of frustration crossed his face. “I'm sorry you went through that, Nori, but it won’t be like that for me. I don't have a family. No one but the father cares about me.”
I wanted to tell him that he had me, but I didn't yet know what that meant to me, let alone what it would mean to him. “You don't know what the future holds. You could still have a family.”
His smile was so cynical that I almost winced.
“Come on, Nori. We both know better than that.” He gestured to the left side of his body.
For the first time, I realized how the burns had twisted and distorted what had probably once been beautiful tattoos. He was like that inside too, I thought. Beautiful and damaged.
“I guess it's only fair I look like this now,” he said as he turned away. “I've always been more of a monster than a man.”
“You're not,” I immediately protested. “You're not a monster.”
He flinched and I wondered what I'd said to get that reaction. I was tempted to ask, but I didn't. It wasn't important right now.
“I'm not a man either.” His voice was so quiet that I almost missed it. “I lost everything all at once. Everything spun out of control the moment I went into that warehouse, and I have no way to get it back. And the one thing I should be able to control – my death – I can't either. Not without hurting the only person I have left.”