This was my life, living here, in this house, having food delivered, never stepping outside. Father O'Toole as the occasional visitor. Maybe a housekeeper if I felt like keeping things somewhat presentable. But I'd never have a family of my own. Never have the chance to fix my mistakes. It'd just be me. Here. Alone.
The darkness that Nori had managed to push back came forward with a vengeance, wrapping its arms around me and pulling me under.
I didn't bother trying to fight it.
What was the point?
Chapter Twelve
Nori
X's physical therapist, Kipp, knew what he was doing. He was also quite the flirt. I couldn't deny how flattering it was to have someone as intelligent and good-looking as him clearly attracted to me. What I liked the most was the fact that he didn't even try to hide it. He let me see in his eyes that he wanted me, and his questions were sincere, meaning he wasn't only after sex.
But I hadn't come out here to get into another romantic relationship. It'd only been a couple weeks since Tanner and I called it quits, and I'd been immersed in his world for so long that I didn't know how ready I was to date normally. While Kipp might've been hiding a few kinks, I didn't get the same Dom vibe from him that Tanner gave off. Kipp seemed like the sort of guy who was as fun in bed as he was out of it. I was all for sex being more than some serious, intense thing every single time, and maybe I needed a bit of that light-heartedness, but I just wasn't feeling it. I liked talking to him, but there was no spark between us.
We chatted the entire time he was stretching X out, pausing only to give him instructions on what to do next. At first, I'd wanted to include X in the conversation, but one look at the expression on his face told me not to even bother asking. He wouldn't even look at me.
I reminded myself of my conversation with Tanner, and the reason I was here. It didn't matter if X wanted to talk to me or if he hated me. I wasn't here to be his friend or anything else. I was here to make sure nothing else bad happened to him. I just had to remember that fact, and I could live with the rest.
“I'll be in Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at ten,” Kipp said as we walked toward the door. “X is supposed to do the stretches on the days I don't come in, but not any of the exercises.”
I nodded. Father O'Toole had explained this as one of his reasons for needing someone to live in the house to keep an eye on X. Not surprisingly, he had a tendency to spend most of his time lying in bed.
“I'm worried that he'll end up needing more skin grafts on that arm,” Kipp said, his expression serious for the first time all morning. “And I'm no shrink, but I don't think he'd take the news of another surgery very well.”
“I don't either,” I quietly agreed.
Kipp opened his mouth to say something, closed it, glanced at X, and then back to me. “I've worked on a lot of soldiers, and I know you have too. The ones who make it are the ones who feel like they have something to live for. The ones who can't find it...” His voice trailed off.
“I know.” A sharp pain went through my chest. “I know what happens to them.”
He gave me a searching look but thankfully didn't press the matter. That part of my life wasn't something I talked about very freely. It hurt too much.
“If you need anything, my number's by the computer.” The easy smile was back on Kipp's face, but it didn't quite go all the way to his eyes. “Even if it's just to talk.”
I thanked him, and I did appreciate the gesture, but I know I probably wouldn't be using it. Definitely not just to talk. If I needed to debrief again, I'd call Tanner, and I’d only do that if absolutely necessary. Kipp called out a goodbye to X, who didn't answer, and then headed for the stairs, leaving me alone with my surly patient.
I took a slow breath and then turned. He was stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He didn't move as I walked back to him.
“Let me help you get those off and then you can go shower.” I spoke in the same brisk, professional voice I'd used for years at the hospital.
I started to reach for him, but he jerked away, rolling up into a sitting position, then off the bed and onto his feet. He glared at me as he turned so we were facing each other, the bed between us.
“I can do it myself.” His eyes were cold. “I don't need a fucking babysitter.”
That hadn't taken long.
“I don't care who you are,” I said firmly. “No one can reach that spot on their own back, so you, at least, need me to help you with that one.”
His cheeks flamed. “It's almost healed. No need for a nurse.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I'm not just here as your nurse.”
“Oh, I know.” His tone was bitter. “You're supposed to watch me. Make sure I don't do anything stupid.”