Alpha Male Romance(25)

Destroyed.

I motioned with my right hand. We'd been pretty much sticking with the 'blink once for yes, twice for no' line of communication, but this wasn't something I wanted to play a guessing game with. I'd had one thought repeating over and over in my head since I'd woken up. I'd tried to push it away, tried to think of something else, but now that he was here, I needed to tell him.

After a moment, he saw what I was doing and found a pad of paper and a pen. He set it on my bed and put the pen in my hand. It took a moment before my fingers could grip it correctly, and even then, I knew my handwriting was shit. It didn't matter though, as long as it was legible.

When I held it up for Father O'Toole to read, I knew I'd managed at least that much.

Four words.

Four shaky words.

I want to die.

Continues in Dom X Vol. 2.





Dom X - Volume Two





Dom X





Chapter One





Xavier





I wanted out.

I glared at the wall. The same fucking wall I'd been glaring at for the past three fucking months. It was still an off-white or gray shade, the sort of mediocre color that was supposed to be soothing or some shit like that. It had started to drive me nuts by the second week, and I was pretty sure it'd only taken that long because I was too out of my mind on pain meds to notice until April.

I'd spent my birthday staring at the damn wall. Not that I'd wanted to celebrate. Or even had anything to celebrate. One year shy of thirty and I was done. Done with everything.

Zed came to talk to me right before he and the rest of the unit shipped out in the middle of April. For the first time since I'd met him, he wasn’t smiling. I knew I should've reassured him. Made some joke about him being the pretty one now. Everyone knew that's what people in my position were supposed to do. Make the person who came to see them feel better about the situation.

I knew he felt guilty about what happened too. He told me as much. Somehow, he thought that if he'd been hanging out with me instead of hooking up with the yoga instructor or whatever the hell she was, I wouldn't have been in this bed. I knew that wasn't the case, and I didn't blame him. I told him that much, but I knew he wanted more from me.

I hadn't been able to give it to him. I didn't have anything left to give. It was taking everything I had just to make it from one minute to the next.

I was relieved when I heard the unit was moving out. I considered Zed my friend, but I didn't want to see him. I didn't know if I'd ever want to see him – or anyone else – ever again. I put up with the people here looking at me because it was their job, and I knew they'd seen worse. None of them looked at me the way everyone else did. Or the way I knew everyone else would. The way people looked at every disabled vet or any victim of a horrible accident. That combination of pity and revulsion, followed by shame at their disgust.

At least, the first lieutenant who'd come to see me last month had been able to keep his face blank with military perfection. He'd expressed his sympathy and then started to discuss my options.

What fucking options?

See if I could transition into some sort of desk job? Become a poster boy for the military: protecting us at home as well as overseas? Recruiting? I didn't blame the army for what happened to me. Hell, it was my own damn fault that I’d ran into that burning building. I had no one to blame but myself.

I still loved my country and my military. If someone asked me if I'd sign up again, knowing where it had led me, I'd answer yes without hesitating.

But I didn't want to be a fucking recruiter.

I was a soldier.

From the moment I signed those papers, it was all I ever wanted to do, all I ever planned on doing. The army had given me a sense of purpose, a direction. They were the closest thing I had to a family for a decade.

But I was no good to them anymore.

I was no good to anyone.

I started to turn my head, feeling the now-familiar tug of the scar tissue tightening around my cheek and jaw. It wasn't pleasant, but it also wasn't painful anymore. Not really.

Maybe I'd just gotten used to the pain.

I supposed that was part of it. Oh, it was still there, though not as bad as it had been when I first woke up, but present enough to still need pain relief every once in a while. I'd had them wean me off the drugs as quickly as possible, but there were times it was too much, particularly at night. I'd never slept well, and all of this made matters worse. Much worse. Those were the times I wanted meds.

Well, as much as I wanted anything anyway.

I heard the sound of footsteps slowing slightly and knew someone would be entering my room in a few seconds. The faintest hint of interest sparked inside me at the thought that it should be time for Nori's usual shift.

I finished turning my head, waiting to see the dark-haired nurse who was one of the few people I didn't mind seeing. The other nurses and doctors were all fine, but there was something about Nori that somehow managed to find a crack in the darkness I'd pulled around me. The darkness that wasn't a cloud, but rather a fucking shell.