I was floating in liquid fire.
Lava.
Flowing over my body, burning, eating, destroying.
I wanted it to melt me, make me disappear.
I could hear beeping, but it wasn't steady. It was all over the place. Fast one moment, slow the next.
There were voices.
Pressure on my chest.
Something on my face. Pressing, hurting.
I tried to brush it off, but my hand didn't want to move.
“You've been injured.”
A man was talking and since I hurt, I assumed he was talking to me.
“Don't try to move.”
Where the fuck did he think I was going to go?
Oh, right, the dark...
This time, without pain.
I drifted, content with the bliss unconsciousness offered. Or maybe I was dead already. I hoped that was it. I was tired. So tired.
“Xavy!”
She barreled into my knees and I reached down to pick her up.
“You got tall.” She gave me a serious look.
“I did?” I looked down and saw that she was right. I was tall.
I held her with one arm and rubbed my hand over my jaw. The bristles there were rough against my palm. I needed to shave.
Why would I need to shave?
I was still a kid, wasn't I?
I looked at Madison. She was just the way I remembered her. But I wasn't. I was a grown-up. How was I an adult and she still just a kid?
“You think too much, Xavy.” Madison patted my face. “Now come on, let's play.”
I tried to tell her that I couldn't play. I had things I needed to do. Didn't I? There had to be something I was missing. Something I was supposed to be doing. A place I was supposed to be.
A bright light pierced my eyes, and I jerked my head. Lightning shot up my side, and I tried to make a sound but I couldn't. There was something in my mouth. In my throat.
I wanted to reach up and grab it, but my arms didn't want to work. They felt too heavy. My whole body felt too heavy.
Something was wrong.
All of this was wrong.
Movement at the edge of my vision fluttered. For a moment, I caught a glimpse of a beautiful woman, her dark hair pulled back to reveal a drawn face. She looked sad, and I wanted to tell her that it would be okay, but the darkness came again and took me.
I could see the bright spots of muzzle flash in the distance and knew that we'd walked into a trap.
“Fall back! Fall back!” I screamed at my men, but it was too late.
They fell around me, shot through the hearts, the heads. They lay all around me, screaming as blood poured from their wounds. Blown-off legs and arms littered the ground. Hundreds of bodies. And I'd killed them all.
Their deaths were my fault.
Always my fault.
I promised them that I'd look after them. It was my job to protect them.
But I'd failed.
Failed them like I'd failed everyone I'd ever cared about.
I didn't know why I'd survived. I shouldn't have. I should've died instead of them.
Mea culpa.
Mea culpa.
“Don't give up, Soldier. Please, hang on. Fight.”
I didn't know that voice, but it was a woman and I wondered if she was the one I'd seen before.
Then the pain was back and I couldn't think. Couldn't think of anything but how much I wanted to die.
But she'd told me to fight.
Asked me not to go.
How could I deny her?
But the pain was too much. I couldn't bear it.
But I had to bear it. It was my punishment after all. My punishment for all the wrong I'd done. I deserved this. Deserved no peace in the half-wakefulness that claimed me.
I could smell my body burning, smell the charred flesh. Feel them digging and prodding. Tearing, ripping.
I wanted to scream, but I couldn't.
I wanted to die, but I couldn't.
All I could do was remind myself that I deserved every agonizing second. I could see their faces. All of them. Every person I'd failed. It was because of them that I was burning but not dying.
This was my penance.
This was my purgatory.
Mea culpa.
Mea culpa.
Chapter Eleven
Nori
I shifted in the chair, now more sympathetic to visitors who sat for more than a couple hours in these things. I'd always known they were uncomfortable, but there was a big difference between knowing it and experiencing it. And for the past two days, I'd been experiencing it.
I hadn't exactly been sleeping here, but I had come in early and stayed late after my shifts...and I might have accidentally fallen asleep last night. Dr. Fellner had okayed it, as long as I wasn't putting in for overtime, and I didn't do anything medical when I was technically off. I was fine with that. I kept an eye on his vitals, but mostly I just watched him.
When I was working yesterday, I'd seen a tall, good-looking guy in the room. I hadn't had a chance to speak with him, but based on the haircut and the way he held himself, I felt safe in assuming he was a soldier. The man I'd spoken to at the base on Monday said he'd try to get in contact with one of Xavier's friends. I supposed that had been him.