Everything I'd feared had come true. I'd lost her for good.
Except I hadn't really had her in the first place, I reminded myself. She'd never been mine in any real way; I'd made sure of that. Now it was time to reap what I'd sown.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. Heat flooded my already overly-warm face. “I shouldn't have come. You're busy.”
“Stay.”
To my complete shock, it wasn't Nori who said it. Tanner stepped by her and out the door. He paused in front of me, using those extra two inches of height to look down at me. There was no contempt in his eyes, but no pity either. He looked at me like an equal, which I didn't get. How could I ever be equal with someone like him?
“You two need to talk,” he said. “And Nori will probably say that this isn't my place, but I don't care. If you hurt her, I will make sure you regret it.”
“I already do,” I said quietly. “And if I do it again, you won't need to come after me.”
His eyes met mine and I forced myself to hold his gaze. I felt him measuring me, and I knew I'd come up wanting. I didn't need him to tell me that I didn't deserve Nori. I already knew that, better than anyone. He didn't say that though. In fact, he didn't say anything else. He merely glanced at Nori, nodded, and then walked out.
“What are you doing here?” she repeated her question.
I stuck my hands in my pockets. “Can I come in?”
She stepped aside and made a sweeping gesture with her arm. I walked in and pulled down my hood, breathing a sigh of relief. I was still hot, but at least now I could feel the air conditioning on my face. I ran my fingers through my hair, fixing it so that it fell over the left side.
“I came to apologize,” I said.
When I turned, I found her standing in the same place, her arms crossed, a blank expression on her face. Apparently, she wasn't going to make this easy on me, and I couldn't really blame her.
I opened my mouth and then realized that I had absolutely no clue what to say. How was I supposed to tell her all of the ways I'd royally fucked up, and how sorry I was for it? There didn't seem to be any real words that were adequate enough.
“Dammit!” I ran my hand through my hair again, this time not caring that it moved back from my face. “I don't know what I'm supposed to say.”
“How about the truth?” Nori's voice was unreadable. “That might be a good place to start.”
“The truth.” I barked a laugh. “How about I'm an ass?”
She raised an eyebrow but didn't argue.
“My whole life, I've felt like everything was my fault,” I admitted. If I was going to do this, she deserved to know it all. “I never told you what happened to my mom and sister.”
She looked confused by what she saw as a change of subject, but didn't tell me to hurry up, so I continued with my story.
“I told you about getting arrested for dealing, and that I turned on my dealer, but I didn't say that one of his acts of retribution was to have my mother and sister murdered.”
Her hands went over her mouth, horror written across her face. “Oh, X.”
I shook my head. “I'm not saying this to get sympathy or anything like that. I'm telling you because, my whole life, I've felt like I was being punished. First, for not saving them from my dad, and then for getting them killed. Part of the reason I enlisted was because I felt like I'd finally be doing some good, making amends. I never expected to get anything in my life to make me happy.”
My heart was racing now. I'd never been one to talk about my feelings with women. Ever. It was one of the many reasons I'd always preferred the occasional one-night stand. No need to discuss a future or even feelings beyond attraction and wanting sex. Once it was clear that there wouldn't be anything else, there was no need for any sort of deep discussion.
“When I met you, Nori, all of that changed. I tried to fight it, told myself that I didn't deserve you. When you were with Tanner, it was easier because I knew there'd never be anything between us. But then you came to Philadelphia, and you were single and I couldn't stop thinking about you.”
She walked past me and sat down on the couch. As she passed, I noticed what I hadn't seen before. Her eyes were red, and her skin pale. She was really upset. My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I couldn't believe I'd done this to someone I cared about so much.
“The night Father O'Toole died.” My voice caught on the word. “It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, and then you were there, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
She looked down at her hands.
“Yesterday morning, when I woke up and you were still there in my arms, it was like every horrible thing I'd ever done came rushing back, telling me that I didn't deserve this at all, that I didn't deserve to have you.” I paused for a moment, searching for the right words. “That dark, self-destructive part of me told me that you'd just felt sorry for me. I knew that you'd never do that, but I couldn't quite bring myself to believe that you could really want me.”