Yet one more thing I apparently lost in the accident. The moment I decided to go after Nori, a knot had settled in my stomach, and it had only grown in the last few hours. Before, I thought I'd known what it meant to be torn, but now I really felt it. I wanted to go after Nori. I needed to. I needed her.
But it scared the hell out of me.
I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to go into public. And I definitely didn't want to go back to Texas.
And yet here I was, parking at the airport, and getting ready to go out into the real world. I scrubbed my palms against my jeans. I was sweating, and it wasn't just because it was July and I was wearing jeans and a hoodie. I'd purchased a ticket online and printed it, so I didn't have to go through that. I was taking only the bare necessities, so I didn't have to check a bag either.
Still, I had to get going, and the prospect of getting in a line full of people, of being scrutinized, it was making me sick.
By the time I boarded the plane, I'd already needed to go to the restroom once and throw up what little I'd managed to eat. My military ID had gotten me more private passage through security, so only a couple of people saw my scars, but the pity I'd seen on their faces was enough to confirm that I didn't want anyone else looking at me.
The best way for me to have accomplished that, however, would've been if I hadn't been heading to Texas dressed like I was going to Alaska. People on the plane looked at me, but that was one of the reasons I'd paid out the nose for a last-minute, first-class ticket rather than taking stand-by in business class. Less crowded and I could keep my face turned toward the window, essentially giving myself a bit of privacy.
It was around four hours to San Antonio, not counting all the waiting around to land. With the time difference and the first scheduled flight not having been until past noon, I'd arrive in Texas in the late afternoon. Unfortunately, that meant I'd be showing up just as the hottest part of the day was ending. If I thought it was uncomfortable now, I knew it'd be much worse when we landed.
I took some Dramamine to help me get through the flight, hoping I wouldn't have to spend the next few hours being so anxious about what I was about to do that I threw up again. The drugs didn't really allow me to sleep, but I did drift a bit, my brain getting fuzzy. I tried not to think about what was coming or what the possibilities were. I could hear people around me talking quietly, but no one disturbed me. I wasn't sure what they thought of me, but at least they left me alone.
When I stepped out into the airport, I pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed for the exit. It wasn't until I was almost there that I realized I had no idea what I was going to do next. I'd kept to the edges, trying to avoid brushing up against anyone or drawing any attention to myself, so when I reached the exit, I took the bench the furthest out of the way and sat down.
All the time I'd spent psyching myself up to come, I never actually thought past what I would do when I was surrounded by so many people. Even now, seeing the crowds heading out to catch taxis or get their rides from whoever they had coming to pick them up, I had to resist the urge to head for a restroom and hide.
“Monster! Freak!” The voices echoed in my ears.
I closed my eyes and tried to push aside the flashes of dreams that had haunted me ever since I made the decision to come back here. They weren't long or violent, but they didn't have to be. They were what I was afraid of, especially when it came to Nori. The fear that people would see the monster I always thought I was.
I took a slow breath and counted to ten. I needed to think clearly, to decide what I was going to do now. I couldn't let flashes of some dream keep me from my goal. The problem was, I didn't know how to go about doing that.
I didn't have Nori's address since I'd only seen her at the hospital, and I doubted she'd be there. No, if she'd come back to Texas this morning, she wouldn't be walking into the hospital to get her job back a few hours later.
The thought of the hospital brought back a different sort of flash. This one, a true flashback.
Pain beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Agony tearing through me. My skin on fire. Except I knew it wasn't on fire anymore, so there wasn't any way to put it out. The burning was on the inside. I was going to be consumed whole, but not before it drove me insane.
I tried to tell myself to snap out of it, that it wasn't real. It was only a memory, and a memory couldn't hurt me.
It didn't stop the rest from coming though.
I wanted to die. There was no way I could live like this, not with pain this severe. And that only made me wonder what happened to cause so much pain. I couldn't remember what happened. Just a bang and a flash and screaming. But not out loud. I was only screaming inside.
“Hey, mister, are you okay?” A young man's voice cut into my thoughts.