"Did you get yourself off while you watched us?" I turned and asked Will, breaking the long silence.
Surprise showed on his face before the obvious embarrassment. He had. I hauled back and slapped the shit out of him, making his glasses go askew on his face. Pulling my hand away from his clasped one I walked away, shaking with fury. It was a relief to feel something other than sadness for a few minutes. For a while it had seemed like I might never know anything else again except for the grief.
I walked over to my dad's car and climbed in the backseat without another glance at the cemetery.
"You okay, princess?" my dad asked.
"I'm fine," I told him with a tone that said the subject was to be dropped. Thankfully my worthless stepmother didn't say a word from the passenger seat or I may have hauled back and slapped her bleached blonde head too.
After the funeral everyone came over to my townhouse, some bringing food. Why, I wasn't sure. Food didn't make me less upset that I'd lost my mom, and I sure as hell wasn't hungry.
I sat on my couch staring at the television that wasn't turned on, replaying the last few conversation my mom and I had, looking for signs that she'd wanted to end her life. When the cushions shifted beside me I glanced over, then groaned.
"Get the fuck away from me, Joe," I snapped, which of course caused the whole townhouse to go silent. He got up without a word, and thankfully for a while no one else tried to sit beside me. My dad finally got the courage to join me.
"How are you doing, princess?" he asked. I cringed at the childish nickname.
"Fucking great, Dad. How are you doing knowing you're the reason Mom killed herself?"
"Lacy, God … I don't even know what to say to that. Is that what you think?" he asked, not even trying to hide the hurt in his voice.
"No," I said shaking my head. "It's my fault. I should've … I didn't know how bad she was … "
"No, Lacy. Don't say that. Blame me, not yourself. You didn't do anything," he said putting an arm around my shoulders.
"I know. I didn't do anything! I should have. I should've been there for her. But I wasn't!" I told him through the tears. "I was too self-absorbed in my own life to notice my mom was suicidal."
"Lacy, your mom didn't want any help. She's been like this for years. You know that. I used to try to convince her to get help or see her doctor about getting treatment. She always refused."
"Maybe we should have both tried harder," I told him.
"Maybe so," he agreed, giving my shoulders a squeeze.
...
Will
I pulled up another strand of grass from between the wooden slats on the front stoop and shredded it, just like the ninety-nine blades before it. I was angry at myself for hurting Lacy. So much so that at the time when she most needed someone that cared for her, she pushed me away. Everything had been perfect … until I fucked it up.
"Hey," Dylan sat when he sat down beside me. "How you doing?"
"Fucking awesome."
"Lacy still pissed at you?"
"Oh yeah," I responded, rubbing my cheek that still stung. I knew I deserved so much worse than a single slap. "She was just so upset that she didn't remember until a few minutes ago. I thought … I'm so stupid. I thought she'd actually forgiven me. Forgiven us."
"Yeah, everyone just heard her yell at Joe to get the fuck away from her."
"At least he didn't get slapped," I replied.
"Have you tried talking to her?" Dylan asked.
"Uh-huh. I've sent her texts and left so many messages I've lost count. I'm not going to try and talk to her here or now. She's got too much on her. I can't even imagine how tough this is for her, and I feel like shit because I fucked up and can't be there for her."
"Look, you screwed up, and I know right now that it seems irreparable, but I've been there. She'll forgive you. Most likely. It'll probably just take some time."
I shook my head. "I'm not so sure about that. She's started a new life here. Hell, for all I know, she's seeing Zack again. He's here and she didn't waste any time running to his house the first night."
The door behind us suddenly slammed. When I glanced over my shoulder I saw Joe angrily pound both of his fists against the brick townhouse wall before leaning his forehead against it in defeat. I knew exactly how he felt. Seeing Lacy so upset and not being able to comfort her hurt more than any fucking thing I'd ever experienced before.
None of us said another word, not until Lacy's dad stormed out of the house.
"I thought I made it clear that you were to stay away from Lacy!" he yelled at me, towering over where I sat on the stairs, his face red in anger. "By Monday morning, you'll be unemployed!"
"Does your offer still stand?" I turned and asked Dylan with a heavy sigh.
"Hell yes," he replied.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Pierce. And when you talk to my boss, tell him that I quit," I said to Lacy's father. "Oh and tell him that they just lost Daughtry Brewing's business, their biggest account."
"You're fired too!" the middle-aged man shifted his anger when he realized he didn't have any effect on me. He started yelling at Joe, who was still standing on the porch.
"Did I forget to turn in my notice? Shit, that's right, I did. I just got hired by the District Attorney, and I start in three weeks," Joe replied coolly. "And Jess is quitting too."
"Fuck you both for whatever the hell you did to Lacy! She's got too much on her to have to deal with you two assholes screwing with her!"
He was right, of course. I stood up and looked at Joe. "You ready?"
"No, but we should probably go," he replied, sighing in frustration.
"I'll go get Jules and Chad," Dylan said, standing up to walk back inside the townhouse.
"I better not hear of either of you going anywhere near Lacy! Do you hear me?"
"Or what? You can't fire us anymore. If she changes her mind and wants to see us, there's not a damn thing you can do about it," I told him.
He laughed and shook his head. "Lacy's never going to want to see either of you again. I just gave Zack my blessing. She'll be Lacy Bradford before the end of the year."
No, no, no. My lungs forgot how to work. She couldn't … he'd cheat on her again and keep hurting her. She deserved better than that, but she deserved better than me too. If Zack was who she wanted, there wasn't anything I could do to stop her, even if the thought was enough to bring me to my knees.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lacy
I spent the rest of the weekend in bed, using Zack as a distraction. Monday morning I decided I was going to try and get out of the house. "Try" being the keyword. My appetite was back in full force, and I needed comfort food. What I was craving was a lime sherbet float. I sure as shit wasn't going to ask Zack to go out and get that for me. On the way to my car I stopped and checked the mail.
I shuffled through the stack, which was rather significant since I couldn't remember the last time I'd opened my mailbox. I froze at the one with the handwritten address. The one with my mom's name and return address on the top left corner.
This had to be some cruel, sick joke. I started looking around the quiet neighborhood as if the prankster would jump out of a bush. When no one appeared, I went back to the porch and sat down in a patio chair to gently open the letter. Before I pulled the paper out I flipped it back over to see what day it was postmarked. June fourth, the same day my mom was found unresponsive in her apartment.
My hands shook as I pulled the tri-folded notebook paper out and started to read. It was in my mom's perfect cursive handwriting, that I would recognize anywhere.
"Hi, Sweetie,
This letter is more difficult to write than you can imagine, but just holding this pen makes it feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I'm so sorry to leave you this way, and I know it's the most selfish thing I've ever done. But I'm tired of numbing myself because nothing is capable of filling the emptiness inside of me.
Please don't blame your father for the way I've been the last few years. I know you've always been angry at him after you found out about his infidelity, but the failure of our family lies solely with me. Yes, your dad made mistakes, but I've always regretted not being able to forgive him.
I let my pride stand in the way of my happiness and yours. I couldn't forgive Jim until it was too late, and I'd already lost him. He'd remarried, and by that time I knew we could never go back to the way things were.
I know you're going to be fine without me. I've never been much of a mother to you anyway, and for that I'm also sorry. I'm just thankful that you turned out to be the incredible and beautiful woman you are today. Like your father, you're strong, smart and resilient. You'll make your own happiness and not depend on others to make it for you. Just don't make the same mistakes as me.