All He Ever Wanted(75)
Etna shook her head. “A divorce is a most unhappy act,” I said, bending to pick up my hat from the floor.
Etna made a sound, and if it was a plea, I do not know, for I had opened the door, walked out into the cold, and started down the driveway. I found the motorcar as a blind man will make his way to a house he does not want to enter. I opened the door and sat down. I gripped the steering wheel and would have shaken it loose from its mooring if I had had the strength. I flung myself back against the tufted leather seat, and as I did so, a quotation from Paradise Lost rose up through the earth and the floorboards of the motorcar and mocked me with its precision.
…yet well, if here would end
The misery, I deserv’d it, and would bear
My own deservings.
(Book X, 11. 725–727; Adam speaking; in despair over the lost glorious world; knowing his descendants will curse him; wanting only death. Some of Milton’s better lines, I think.)
The Hotel Thrupp
October 19, 1914
Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,
This is a difficult matter I write about, and forgive me if I assume unhappiness where none exists, but after having seen your face in Mr. Ferald’s hallway tonight, as we were all waiting for our carriages and motorcars to be brought around, I cannot think other than that you were shocked to find me in that house. I had met Professor Van Tassel earlier in the day, but I did not know that he was your husband. Indeed, I did not know that you had married. I write to say that however pleasant it was to see you again, it was never my intention to cause either you or your husband any distress by my appearance in Thrupp. Had I known that you resided here, I assure you I would not have accepted the kind offer of the college to deliver the Kitchner Lectures.
Having committed to this series, however, I find myself in Thrupp for the duration of the term. Worse, it would appear that both your husband and I have been invited to apply to the post of Dean of the Faculty of Thrupp College. After seeing you this evening, I am determined to excuse myself from consideration of the post and to return to New Haven as soon as the lectures are over.
With warmest expressions of good will,
Phillip Asher
Holyoke Street
October 20, 1914
Dear Professor Asher,
Thank you for your kind letter of October 19. It is generous of you to offer to excuse yourself from consideration for the post of Dean of the Faculty of Thrupp College, but please understand that if it were in my power to do so, under no circumstances would I ever permit this. Indeed, I should take it as an insult were you to leave Thrupp on my account. Though I believe my husband to be the best candidate for the post, his petition, and ultimate success, would be tarnished were his competitor to have left because of a distant encounter with his wife. Please assure me at your earliest opportunity that you will do no such thing.
Very respectfully yours, Etna Van Tassel
The Hotel Thrupp
October 21, 1914
Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,
Thank you for your prompt reply to my letter of October 19. I will honor your request, though I am not at all confident that this is the right course of action. (It would appear that the deliverer of the Kitchner Lectures on the nature of private gain vs. public good is no more able to answer a simple question of common decency than is a student.) Since that evening at Mr. Ferald’s reception, I have wished that I had never heard of the Kitchner Lectures. My family has caused you enough distress, and I do not want to add to it in any way.
I had occasion yesterday to meet your husband in the Hotel Thrupp. We had a pleasant chat, and as I had no indication from him that he knew anything of past difficulties between you and my family, I said nothing to him at that time. It was an awkward moment, however, one that may cause a breach of trust in the near future. It would appear that I am to dine with you at your house on Sunday. Since it is entirely your decision how I should proceed in this matter, I await your reply.
Your most devoted,
Phillip Asher
Holyoke Street
October 22, 1914
Dear Professor Asher,
To answer your letter of October 21, I should just like to say that it was not your family who caused me distress. Nor was it your brother. What distress I suffered was entirely my own, and I alone am responsible for it. I was of sufficient age to understand the consequences of my actions and to accept them. Indeed, I have reason to be grateful to your brother and to the circumstances of leaving him. A marriage to Mr. Bass of Brockton would have been disastrous for any number of reasons. My relationship to your brother Samuel put a necessary, if difficult, end to that betrothal, for which I will always be glad.
As to the matter of my husband and future trust, I see no reason to discuss with him an incident of so long ago. I hope that you will come to our house on Sunday and that my husband and I will come to know you as the Phillip Asher who has so recently arrived in Thrupp.